She painted up her face and wished that for once the mirror would lie to her. It could at least tell her that the ravages of time meant nothing, that she was still a beautiful woman. But it was incapable of lying to her, it was incapable of airbrushing the reality of her life, a life once full of potential but now full of nothing.
Her profession decreed that, because time and gravity had lowered her breasts, she wear a black lace bra to go with the mandatory black lace panties. She cupped her breasts and imagined a time gone by when such support was un-necessary, when they were loved by many men and hated by many women. Her hands moved to her nipples as she remembered a time when she could wear a tee shirt and her unsupported breasts did not require a bucket of water to make them stand out.
Her memory of times past made this evening more poignant, this evening of all evenings. It was fifteen years ago tonight that she had been the centre of attention, the birthday girl, surrounded by family and friends, her father telling the world that his little girl was destined for great things, a happy marriage to her handsome fiancé, the mandatory two perfect children, a son followed a respectable time later, by a daughter, a fine house, and a fine car. All of that was to be hers, her dream. But dreams don't always come true, and in her case they became a nightmare.
Her twenty first had been held in the church hall. It seemed only fitting that she should have it there, she was engaged to the Minister's son and her father was an Elder in the church. She and Brian were both leaders in the Youth Group and academic achievers bound for success in their chosen fields, he a Lawyer, and she a teacher.
She looked as pretty as a picture standing beside her father as he chronicled her childhood as he knew it, complete with naked baby photos, tastefully chosen so that there were no 'naughty bits' visible. He handed her the large symbolic key to signify that she was now an adult and could therefore be trusted as such, and the assembly lustily sang 'Twenty-one today.'
Brian was invited to join her on the stage and they kissed, chastely, as her father made his predictions for their future. She was allowed to stay behind when her parents went home early and left the young people to celebrate the occasion. They trusted her, they trusted Brian to not do anything, after all he was the Minister's son and if you couldn't trust him not to have sex with his fiancé before marriage, who could you trust.
Her first experience of sex was on her wedding night, and it was a disappointment to her. She had been brought up on a diet of Barbara Cartland and Mills and Boon romance novels, and when the bells didn't ring she felt somehow cheated of that one great moment.
They moved into their first home on their return from the honeymoon and he had picked her up and carried her over the threshold as tradition had demanded. "Welcome to our home my Darling." He kissed her on the lips. There was no passion in his kiss, it was the kiss of a man who had not learned how to love.
Yes she did marry her handsome fiancé, and yes they did have a fine house, and a fine car, but the other things eluded her.
In the beginning they made love every night, in the missionary position, but she remained unsatisfied. He would take her in his arms and kiss her for a few minutes, and would then raise her nighty and she would remove her panties while he removed his pyjama bottoms. He would climb between her legs and insert his penis in her dry and unprepared vagina. She would wait for some sensation to come, but none did. He would empty himself into her and withdraw, from her and to his side of the bed. She would lie awake listening to his heavy breathing.
Following his graduation and becoming a fully-fledged lawyer, she gave up work. It was time for the planned first child so she stopped taking the pill and submitted to him night after night for three months until. "Darling?"
"Yes Darling?"
"How long after you stop taking the pill before you fall pregnant?"
"It could happen straight away, it could take months, everyone is different. Why do you ask?"
"I just thought that it should have happened by now."
"Give it time, it will happen." She said confidently.
But it didn't happen. After six months he asked the same question and got the same answer, but he wasn't satisfied. After twelve months he insisted that she should have a check up to see if there was any problem. "Well, what did the doctor say?" He asked as they lay in bed after yet another bout of lovemaking. "He said that everything seems fine, I'm ovulating as normal, producing an egg each month, as normal."
"Maybe there's something wrong with your eggs, maybe you're infertile."
"Maybe the problem is with you."
"No, I'm certain it isn't, I produce the normal amount of semen."
"Have you. . ."
"No!" He cut her short. The problem had to be hers.
He began to work longer hours. "Why do you have to work so late every night?" She asked him as they lay in bed. They hadn't made love again because he was too tired.
"Because, because I have to prepare briefs for upcoming cases, I have to collate the prepared arguments for current cases. As a junior lawyer I have to do all of the hack work if I want to get ahead. You know that, we've discussed if before."
Each day she tidied the house, did the laundry once a week, the grocery shopping once a week, visited her mother once a week. "How's Brian getting on?" Her mother asked.
"He's working so hard these days, he's never at home. He even works weekends and is always tired. I don't know what's happening to us, we never have time to talk. I know he says he loves me and all that, but he doesn't even kiss me good-bye in the mornings any more. I can't remember the last time we made love." That's wrong, she thought, I can't remember it because we have never made love. We've had sex, mechanical sex, totally devoid of any sort of intimacy.
"I'm sure that it will get better as he progresses at work and has people doing the work that he does now."
"I'm beginning to wonder if he actually loves me, he hasn't told me that he does for ages."
"I'm sure that he does, he just doesn't tell you. I know that your father loves me, he doesn't need to say it for me to know."
"I don't know. I might have to try something to spice it up a little."
"Don't do anything that you'll regret later."
"I have to do something, I can't go on like this."
"Be patient, I'm sure that you'll get over it."
She couldn't understand why she would want to say that, it's not her that has to get over it.
After dinner he went to have a shower and while he was in the bathroom I prepared myself. I had lashed out on a see through short nighty that left nothing to the imagination, combined with see through panties that advertised my readiness for some serious lovemaking. I was to be disappointed with the outcome. "How much did that cost?"
"Is that all you can say, how much did that cost? Brian, I am your wife and I love you, but love is a two way street, you are supposed to love me. I know that you've been working hard at work, and I know that you are doing it for us, but I want you to take some time now and then to relax and be the husband that I know that you can be. Brian I want you to make love to me, really make love to me. Can you do that, just once?" I stood in front of him, making sure that the light showed what I was offering him in its best light. If what he did was any indication, our marriage was doomed.
They drifted through life, she frustrated and he indifferent, for another couple of years. She had resigned herself to this life because she couldn't see any chance of improvement, she didn't want to be the one to end it all.
