I had always been mates with my ex-father in law Joe and was still on reasonable terms since his daughter left me for another man and we divorced. I hadn't seen him in ages and was quite pleased that I had bumped into him in the town square as he wandered aimlessly around in that way that older married men have about them when deprived of that essential direction their spouses' provide.
"Hey Joe," I called across the square and wandered across and shook his hand, enquiring what brought him out on such a sunny day and where his wife was.
"Oh," said Joe, "She's up at the Duchess of Kent," he pointed up the road to the local hospital, "She's having chemo, she's got leukaemia mate."
"Oh shit, I'm so sorry to hear that."
"Yeah, it's a bastard right enough, but they're doing all they can."
"Come on then, let me buy you lunch."
Knowing his lunchtime preferences quite well (I had gone out with then married his daughter for nearly six years) I took him to a smallish café; one of those little vanity places set up by someone and their best friend who are convinced that they can go up against the chains by doing simple wholesome food well-cooked and presented and aimed at those hungry people with slightly more cash that don't want to be surrounded by the old men in their tracksuits hugging three pints of Carlsberg and a copy of The Sun newspaper at 1030 in the morning.
I dragged him in and bought him a full English and what they called the 'endless' mug of tea, one that they just kept filling up until the meal was finished.
Joe ate like a starving man and told me all about his wife's illness and the prognosis which wasn't as positive as it could have been. As he downed his third mug of tea he told me about how my ex-wife was doing with her new partner,
"He's just as much of a twat now as when he was with Cassandra Tom," he said, "I'm still intrigued why she left you for him."
"No more than I am mate," I said, although I did have my own thoughts on the subject.
Rachel, and me I suppose, had suffered her second early miscarriage in a year after almost three years of trying to start a family. It had hit her badly and I tried to be supportive both physically and emotionally. She seemed to come back fighting but I know she had felt down about it, so we went on holiday with her twin sister Cassandra and husband Martin. We went to an A-rated five-star hotel in Egypt and there was lots of excellent food, an open bar and we all had a great time by the pool and got great tans.
While Rachel and Cassandra weren't identical twins they were obviously sisters and both looked equally sexy and incredibly hot in the half a dozen matching high cut teeny-bikinis they had gone out and bought and then wore on the same days, and this made even more of a splash at the poolside with them both being classic Anglo-Saxon raven-haired beauties. Cassandra was fractionally taller and about five minutes older, and while Rachel worked in the financial services industry the more Amazonian Cassie was a firefighter.
Her 'husband' Martin had been a firefighter but had left and taken his qualifications to work as an assessor in the insurance industry for more money.
Rachel had sworn off of the booze two years before the holiday because she was either trying for a baby or actually pregnant, so when the wine and the cocktails started to appear she got very drunk very quickly and I did carry her back to our room at least twice in the first week.
As I held her hair back from her face while she vomited into our toilet, I jokingly said that she might like to 'pace herself a bit' with the alcohol as her system wasn't quite used to it in the way that her sister and brother-in-law were, and me to an extent. Semi-hungover she lost her temper with me for the very first time and with the benefit of hindsight I see that as the beginning of the end. That two and a half years of frustration, anxiety and then loss boiled up, over and out of her system and was directed at me.
We didn't talk for twelve hours, including the eight we shared a bed, and the next morning after a shower, breakfast and a bit of a bollocking from Cassandra who heard her outburst the evening before through the adjoining wall and closed door, Rachel apologised and burst into tears then hugged me and begged for my forgiveness.
I gave it of course and all was back to normal, bar the huge elephant in the room that neither of us addressed, that with no one else to blame or feel angry with Rachel still had those feelings and apology or not, at some transcendental level still felt me responsible for, perhaps because it had happened to her and not me.
Cassandra and I had hopped on a trip to the Valley of the Kings, both having an interest in that sort of thing and wanting to see more than the Sphinx and the Great Pyramid and ride a camel with a tea-towel on our heads. This was the point where Rachel and Martin were left to their own devices for a day and first started to 'chat'.
Holiday over we all flew home and carried on with our work. I work for the Ministry of Defence as a Quantity Surveyor and it's steady, occasionally hard but quite well paid in the scheme of things requiring the occasional evening away in some remote army base, naval facility or air station across the country and occasionally the globe. While I was away it turned out that Rachel was 'chatting' to Martin more and more, me only realising when she was able to tell me what was going on with her sister and brother-in-law at great length, even though firefighter Cassandra was on an exchange visit to the Hamburg Fire Brigade for five days.
I asked Rachel about this new friendship that hadn't been there prior to my trip to the Valley of the Kings,
"Oh he's just a nice bloke and was very understanding when we..." she paused, "when we had our little falling out; Martin is... very easy to talk to."
I desperately wanted to point out that SHE was the one that had the falling out while I stood there and got shouted at and blamed for everything up to and including the Brexit Referendum.
"Well he said that he and Cassie have decided 'no kids YET', and that not having that pressure was marvellous and she's come off of the pill and has an IUD fitted instead - well since I've had all of the problems that the gynaecologist reckons is to do with being on the pill for so long.."
"IUD?" I said, trying to lighten the moment, "Isn't that a bomb?"
She put her hands on her hips and I could see the storm rolling across her eyes ready to burst and smiled at her to let her know it was just a man-joke. She pursed her lips and shook her head, but far from the usual feminine 'bloody men' disappointed grin I was expecting I got a look of utter contempt that I had never seen in her before.
She stormed out of the room with folded arms and I knew, no I HOPED I knew that this was her depression from before and it was something we could work on.
I bought her flowers hoping that it might heal the rift, but it was for just a few days. It soon became clear that as soon as I expressed any kind of opinion she was going to take a contrary position and it would become an argument.
And it did, every time; from election results to flavours of ice cream. I asked her, begged her to talk to me about our problems, marriage guidance, anything - I was desperate to not lose what we had, I was still very much in love with her.
We went to two marriage guidance sessions before she told me that she'd had enough of my negativity and wanted a trial separation. While I tried to get her to put my negativity into context, she just rolled her eyes and frowned and looked at her watch. It was evident that she had already packed her bag so my response was to say rather coldly that she had obviously already decided that was going to happen and why was she asking me.
"There... there might be..."
"Might be what Rach?" I said with a tired and pretty much resigned growl, "If there was something I could have done or have been doing you would have asked me eight weeks ago when all of this started; I guess that you are just wanting some kind of agreement from me, some kind of acceptance that it's all over, some sense of responsibility." She folded her arms and pursed her lips, angry that I had come straight to the point, "I'm desperately sorry that we lost our baby - twice - but I take no more blame for it than you, it wasn't something either of us did. If I've become so bad that you can no longer live with me then again, I'm sorry - it wasn't through lack of trying believe me." I could see a few tears now much as she was fighting to hold them back, "if me being supportive and loving and helpful wasn't what you wanted then I apologise, it's just the kind of bloke I am."
Her bottom lip started to tremble as it came home to her and I desperately hoped I hadn't killed any remaining feelings she might have had for me. She shook her head and I could see that whatever thoughts she'd held for that short period had gone with that mental exorcism.
"You're not making this any easier!" she snapped at me.
"What? You want me to make it easy for you to leave me?" I shook my head in shock, "I lost two babies as well Rachel!"
"You bastard!" she cried.
"You're leaving me for undisclosed reasons, yet I'm the bastard?"
Her face creased into tears and I made a single step forward. She spun on her high-heels and was gone.
The door slammed. I stormed about the place calming down and feeling angry and sad, lonely but also with some tiny sense of relief that the storm clouds and the terrible sense of not knowing had finally cleared.