Secretly Slutty for a Married Man

No one in my real life would ever consider me slutty. I am shy until you get to know me, rarely take risks, didn't lose my virginity until my 20s, and have never had a one night stand. The kind of girl who doesn't text a friend's boyfriend without making it a three-way chat. The kind of girl whose male coworkers apologize for swearing in front of. 5'1 on a tall day.

The thing about shy girls, though, is they can be very slutty for the right person. For someone who puts them at ease.

Last August I had just ended a long-term relationship with the person I thought I'd marry. I was sincerely missing regular sex but lacked any desire for a casual hookup. I reacquainted myself with masturbation (something that was discouraged in my former relationship) and quickly found myself on the naked side of Reddit. I left thirsty comments on pictures of well-endowed men, anonymity emboldening me in a way that would never happen IRL without fearing for my safety. I got a boatload of messages.

On my second day of this honest work, a man we will call "J" DM'ed me. We immediately hit it off with easy banter and great sexual chemistry. He had plenty of pictures up to curb any catfishing fears and they showed he was my type: older than me, much taller than me, dark facial hair, slight self-proclaimed dad bod, big thick veiny cock with a fat pink head, the cutest bubble butt. A total hunk, in the neighbor-next-door kinda way. I learned he was married but sometimes liked talking to women on Reddit.

Here I will say I have always been staunchly opposed to cheating and have never understood the appeal of it. My dad had an affair when I was a kid and it was life altering for him (and me). J confided in me early on that he had made a mistake one time with a female friend. Something about that made me feel more comfortable talking to him. Anything we did virtually and anonymously would pale in comparison to an in-person transgression, right? Almost like it wouldn't count. Ever heard of girl math? Well this was slut math, if you will. A very flawed rationalization for behaving badly.

Hearing his confessions paired with my past experiences, I'll admit I became curious...could I talk to this man a few times and understand what motivates a seemingly good person to look outside their happy relationship for sexual gratification? Maybe I could recognize the signs and prevent it from happening to me? Maybe I could help him get out some debauchery so that no other Redd!t encounter was ever hot enough and he could get back on track with his wife? #slutmath and probably also #daddyissues if I am being self aware about my curiosity. God forbid a girl be a scientist.

I've never looked at a married man as a challenge or a conquest. Ick. Instead, for me, there's an ease about being around most married men. When the prospect of a romantic relationship is off the table, I find I can let my guard down and be fully myself. And with J, that was no different. I quickly forgot about my initial intentions and we talked daily about a slew of topics, both NSFW and SFW. He was interesting, funny, patient, positive, unpressured, unwaveringly supportive. For the longest time I only replied to his messages and never initiated conversations so I could tell myself he was pursuing me. He was consistent in his communication but where other men from NSFW Reddit were consistently begging for my nudes, J never asked once. We talked a lot about sexual preferences, roleplayed sexual scenarios, and shared links to hot Reddit posts. We touched ourselves while talking to each other, often. It was a way for me to channel the boundless horniness and lack of intimacy I experienced being newly and unexpectedly single. I may be naive but I truly felt like J wanted the best for me and was quick to respect the boundaries I communicated early on. He wasn't desperate and that was super attractive.

And chat, nothing made me want to be sluttier than that. I felt safe to explore my sexuality and suddenly I was the one flexing what I thought were my boundaries. I sent him partial nudes because I eventually couldn't stand him not knowing what I looked like (although for awhile it was incredibly empowering to feel sexy based on personality alone). To paint a picture for the fellow pervs reading this: I am short with an hourglass figure, huge boobs, pale skin, dark blonde hair, big green eyes, naturally full lips. Conventionally attractive to most, I think. The first time I nervously sent J a picture of my pussy -- months into talking because I had held out in fear of further intensifying our connection -- he went out to his garage and sent me a video of him cumming to it in secret. A huge load. I was hooked.

I did the same for him, using his nudes as spank inspiration often. We exchanged spicy voice notes and with a little coaxing and coaching I went from novice to intermediate. We recorded JOI for each other. I had a dream about going down on him. He recounted the night he slept with his female friend, in titillating detail, and I got off to it. I named my rabbit vibrator after him and came on it so many times, pretending it was his thick cock that was my pulsating deep in my needy little pussy. I orgasmed to the sound of his voice saying filthy things I'd never heard any other man say to me. I made him moan my name while masturbating on video and gave him horny homework assignments to satisfy his exhibitionist tendencies. He gave me tips for sex with my next partner and taught me how to pleasure an uncut cock, creating in me an innate craving for foreskin now that I know how to handle it (and truthfully because it would remind me of him). His validation and encouragement got me to post a few -- admittedly mild -- photos on NSFW Reddit and the positive public reception healed some longstanding body insecurities in a way that a private interaction has never been able to. (Anyone else bullied by their peers for developing early? Brutal.) I helped him explore kinks he'd not felt comfortable sharing with others. He grew the sexiest bush because I told him I found pubic hair hot. He kept my nudes safe.

Some of these conversations happened when his wife was in the same house. The first few times I realized that would be the tradeoff for his friendship, I cried. I felt like an awful person. But I just....got used to it for a bit. Stuffed it down and made it small. Not one negative thing was said about his wife, ever, and it was evident that despite the slutty behavior we were both exhibiting occasionally, he loved her dearly and was deeply fulfilled in their life together. I wasn't quite sure why I felt compelled to keep going. My desire to be a slut for him -- this hot, kind, married man -- just temporarily overpowered all of my values and morals. Oops.

My friends think I've been so chaste in the months following my breakup; no hoe phase for you, they say and I giggle, thinking about the 300+ nudes I have of a married man in an app on my phone. (0 of single men, for the record.) Addicted to calling him daddy and draining his balls like a good girl. Filled to the brim with lust and aching to submit.

We've had so much fun and been so naughty but I think we've both reached a point where we know it's time to go our separate ways so we can protect the other relationships in our lives. With guilt and self-loathing weighing on me heavily, I write this reflection as one of my final slutty endeavors. He said he liked r/sluttyconfessions so here I am on my knees for him, a slut confessing my sins. Making meaning out of the debauchery. Finding purpose in the pain. J, all I ask for in return is to never be forgotten. And cum to me occassionally.

I still consider cheating morally wrong but there's nuance and complexity behind my understanding of why people do it. For much of my life I took my dad's affair personally, as a lack of fulfillment with his current family, and I realize now more than ever how little it had to do with me. There is an element of relief and healing in that discovery, albeit some remorse too because it's a lesson I risked learning at other people's expense.

It's strange how someone I'll never meet will end up playing a pivotal role in my sexual history and to a smaller degree, my growth as a person. I am immensely grateful for the time we spent together and in exchange for the fun I allowed myself to have, I vowed that I will never act like this with any other taken man again. I intend to further explore my motivations to ensure I can live up to that expectation and heal what needs to be healed.

I hope one day I'll find my person and will love them more than I've ever loved anyone. One thing I know to be true: no matter how amazing the sex is, it won't be as uniquely hot as that time I was a slut for a married man who was not my husband. ;)