Note: All characters engaging in sexual activities are 18 years or older.
This is part 3 of 3.
*******
I make my way past the ushers, immune to the daggers in their eyes, out the lobby, and into the street. Sam is gone, vanished into city and the night. I fish out my phone, scroll down to her entry "Sam <3" and dial her number. It goes straight to voicemail. Shit. I pick a direction at random and begin to search. Cars and taxis drive past, their sounds whirring by like echoes chasing each other around a giant drum. Lights paint shadowy landscapes on the brick walls of old apartment complexes.
Through sheer coincidence - the same coincidence, I suppose, that guided me past Sam's drug deal at Greenstone Academy - I pass a dark alleyway from which I hear unrestrained sobbing.
"Sam?" I ask, stepping inside. I find her sitting on a trash can, one of those metal cylinders with metal lids, an old school trashcan beside a steaming vent. The only thing missing is a pack of turtles led by an old rat with a fine set of whiskers.
Sam looks up. Her lips are pressed together into a thin angry line. "What fucking echolocation is this?"
"Er," I say. "What?"
"Just leave me alone, alright?" she says. "Leave me alone."
"What's the matter?"
"Nothing." A pause. "I can't do this anymore."
A stranger walks past, his shadow momentarily magnified down the alleyway.
"Can't do what?" I say after he walks past.
"
This!"
"Sam," I say and kneel before her. "I don't know what you mean."
"This," she says gesturing to herself. "And this." She gestures at me. "And this." She gestures at the trash can. "And this." She gestures at the stars. "Y'know,
this! I can't do THIS!"
she concludes with a grand gesture, like a magician revealing that the woman sawed in half was not, in fact, sawed in half.
"I'm sorry, Sam," I say. "I don't know what you mean."
"Yeah, don't I know it. Just fucking leave me alone."
I lean back against the wall and fold my arms. A young beautiful girl in a fancy dress in the middle of a dark city? A dark city which has become one big rough-part-of-town ever since all the wealthy folks - like Sam's parents - fled to the suburbs? Leave her there? Right.
"No. My mother used to say that if you have to cry, at least cry somewhere nice," I say. "Let's go."
"You're stupid," Sam informs me but she doesn't resist as I guide her to nearby Eastwing Park, probably the safest place in town and for no other reason than that everyone - gangs and criminals included - seemed to have tacitly agreed to make it so. An oasis, you might say, for even the worst of the worst need a place to kick back their heels and toss a saucer with ol' Kujo. We find a bench. Sam curls up on it, her back to me. I sit down next to her. The wind ruffles through the trees in an eerie manner. The moon shines down on us, bright and sober, heavy like a fishing lure bobbing on the lake of space. I don't much know what to say and instead awkwardly pat Sam's back. My touch sets off a fresh wave of tears.
"Jesus, Sam," I say. "What's the matter?"
She won't answer. She cries and cries, and I sit there listening to her crying, cycling through the two stages of feeling like shit, being annoyed she won't tell me what's wrong, and then feeling like shit about being annoyed. I knew this was going to happen, I tell myself. I had known it from the get-go. I mean, I was her teacher, and she my student. But I allowed myself to be fooled into optimism, I had allowed myself to think that maybe what I was doing wasn't wrong. "Talk to me Sam."
She doesn't answer. I wait another couple of minutes before asking again, "What's wrong?"
Eventually she manages in the most miserable, abject tones. "I can't do this anymore. I just - I can't. I thought I could, but I can't."
"I'm sorry," I say. "You're right. I shouldn't have let this go on."
That only sets off new tears. Irritation, sympathy, depression, hope, lust, anger, defiance, and sorrow form a complex stew inside me, threatening to bubble up. At a lull in her sobs, I try again, "You need to tell me what's going on. What can't you do anymore?"
"I can't love you!" she says.
Oh.
My heart skips a beat, and in that second, the trees grow taller, the sky grows rounder, the world grows larger. It's one of those moments, one of those pauses between the clock-ticks of reality, when the universe's inexorable expansion is made manifest.
"I didn't—" Sam continues. "I don't mean to. But I do. I love you and it's so fucking irritating and, yeah."
"That's it? That's all?" I say. "Jesus, Sam, you had me
worried
."
"What?"
"I love you too."
The momentum of her sadness carries her on past my words, and she looks up at me, new tears further transforming her make-up into a mess resembling the camouflage of a jungle guerilla fighter. "Huh?"
"I said I love you too." I pause and exhale with relief. "Duh."
"But," she sniffs and wipes the mascara out from under her eyes. "I thought—"
"Thought what?"
"I don't fucking know."
"Yes," I say. "Of course I love you. How could I not?"
"But... with all the sex. You just—you just like the pleasure. And you're so smart and scientifical and all universe-is-a-clock and electron-ballets and operas, and I feel so dumb. I just thought... and tonight with this date, I figured you were only priming me for some especially fantastic fuck-a-thon. Which don't get me wrong, you make me feel like a queen, teach, a queen of lust and electricity. I like how that feels. But sometimes, you get this look in your eye, like you're afraid I'm going to disappear. And it makes me feel... treasured. And that scares me. And tonight maybe, y'know, maybe tonight was a real date, like a normal date between a guy and a girl, and suddenly as we were watching, I understood how I felt and—"
I lean over and kiss her. She lets me have exactly three seconds of her lips before she pulls away. "Sorry," she says. "I'm such a fucking idiot. Stupid girl. I hate this. I hate—sorry. I'm so fucking stupid."
"You're not stupid," I say.
"Shut up. I can be stupid if I want to."
"Okay," I say, "You're stupid," and move in to kiss her.
But she turns away. "Sorry. I'm just... something. Can we go back to your place, and have like a cup of tea and talk about, I don't know, favorite cartoons or something?"
"Yeah," I say. "Of course."
I put my arm around her shoulders as we walk back to my car. She's silent the whole drive home, her brow wrinkled in what I hope is the good sort of brooding. I feel buoyant. Bouncy. A weight's been removed from my chest, and I'm secretly glad she was the one who broke down instead of me. A cowardly feeling. I should have just told her, but if I'm honest, I was afraid she would say no. So yeah. A cowardly feeling.
It's only 9:30 when we pull in to my house and enter.
"Do you have something I can change into?" she asks, gesturing to her formal Chinese dress.
"Yeah," I say. "If you can find something that fits, you're welcome to it."
She heads up the stairs, as I begin to fill the kettle with water. It's just about boiling when she comes back down, dressed in a too-large pair of basketball shorts and a too-large t-shirt featuring a bright superman logo. She's washed her face, scrubbed the tear-streaked make-up. Her skin is bright red, squeaky clean, new, refreshed.
"Hey," she says. "Sorry about tonight. Sorry for ruining it."
"You didn't ruin it," I say.
I lean back against my kitchen counter and look at her, and she's about to say something more when the tea kettle begins whistling. I put an Oolong tea bag in two mugs, fill them with hot water, and carry them to my rough oak table.
"So," I say. "You wanted to talk about your favorite cartoon? Hopefully it's none of that yo-gabba-gabba nonsense. That stuff is frightening."
"Nope," says Sam. "I'm an old-fashioned gal, yo. Gimme some Scooby Doo. Velma is a sexy Goddess."
"Velma?" I say, raising an eyebrow. "Not Fred?"
"
Really?
I can't believe you. Fred sexy? Fred's a douchebag," says Sam. "Frat boy douchebag. Thelma's hot. She's different. Mousy, smart."