Dark stage as the lights come up to reveal a spacious bathroom in an obviously upscale house. The audience views the entire play from the other side of the vanity mirror. The back of the vanity, a double sink job, faces the audience. There's a toilet stage right, an impressive shower stall with enough room to hold ten people, and a walk-in sauna stage left.
Randy, 38, dressed like Wyatt Earp, sans the holster and pistol, has been drinking tequila. He isn't drunk, yet, but he is feeling the effects as he makes his way into the upstairs bathroom. He is drunk enough he doesn't notice his wife's sister, Jules, 35, dressed like Daisy Duke, follow him inside.
Randy hears the door close before he realizes Jules is with him. He turns to face her, a look of surprise on his face.
Jules: Don't look so surprised.
Randy: Why wouldn't I look surprised? You followed me into the bathroom.
Jules: I had to go.
Randy: There's two other bathrooms in this house. You couldn't use one of those?
Jules: They're in use. I saw you and you looked like you knew where you were going. And I was right.
Randy: So you followed me in here?
Jules: I didn't want to lose my place in line.
Randy: I was here first. You can wait your turn.
Jules: Okay.
Randy: I meant you can wait outside.
Jules: Oh, come on, I won't look. We're adults here, aren't we?
Randy: Adults don't follow other adults into the bathroom. Especially when one adult is the sister-in-law of the other adult.
Jules laughs.
Randy: What's so funny?
Jules: I didn't realize you were such a prude.
Randy: I'm not a prude.
Jules: Then go pee.
Randy: How am I supposed to pee in front of you?
Jules: You've never peed in front of someone before? Surely you've peed in front of my sister before.
Randy: That's different.
Jules: Why?
Randy: (obvious) She's my wife. And maybe I haven't peed in front of her.
Jules: I know for a fact she's seen you.
Randy: How's that?
Jules: Women, especially sisters, like to talk. And sometimes they like to talk about their husband's little idiosyncrasies.
Randy: Sorry. What are you referring to?
Jules: You do the math.
Randy: My wife has told you the size of my penis? Is that why you're here? To see if she was lying?
Jules makes a quick glance down to Randy's crotch.
Jules: I don't think she was lying. You exaggerate when you lie. She didn't lie.
Randy smiles.
Randy: That's funny. Then you don't have to see for yourself.
Jules: Oh, don't be a spoilsport. Maybe she did lie. Just a little.
Randy: I can't pee in front of people. Especially my sister-in-law.
Jules: I won't tell if you won't tell.
Randy: Are you drunk?
Jules: Not yet. Well, maybe a little.
Randy: Then why are you here?
Jules: I told you. I had to use the bathroom.
Randy gestures towards the toilet.
Randy: Be my guest.
Jules: You're letting me go first?
Randy: Be my guest.
Jules, without hesitation, slips her shorts down, somehow hiding from view anything private. She finishes peeing, discreetly wipes herself and slips the shorts back up.
Jules: There. Thanks. It's all yours.
Randy: You're not leaving?
Jules: You watched me. Fair's fair.
Randy thinks for a moment.
Randy: You're nuts.
Randy goes to the toilet, and with his back to Jules, begins to pee.
Jules: Doesn't sound like you're having a problem to me. Maybe you're becoming more comfortable around me.
Randy: Why's that?
Jules: Oh, come on, Randy, you can't deny there's been something between us for years. An unspoken something, but a something nonetheless. Wouldn't you agree?
Randy finishes peeing, zips back up and turns to face Jules.
Randy: Yes, I would agree there's been a certain innocent flirtation, but I would assume - I guess I can say it without conceit - two attractive adults are going to flirt, even as you say, in unspoken ways.
Jules: Are you saying you're attracted to me, Randy? I would have never guessed.
Randy eyes Jules suspiciously.
Randy: Don't put words in my mouth, Jules.
Jules: What would you like me to put in your mouth, Randy? (pause) I'm sorry, I didn't mean that. That was gin induced. Sorry.
Randy weighs the situation a moment.
Randy: From what I hear I should be asking you that. Oops, that was tequila induced.
Jules: (interested) What have you heard?
Randy: Couples, especially married couples, like to talk. And sometimes they like to talk about their siblings sexual preferences.
Jules: My sister told you I like to suck cocks?
This blatant talk has two effects on Randy. One it takes him by surprise and throws him off his guard and, two, it has obviously turned him on.
Randy: Well, maybe not in those exact words.
Jules: So what if I do. Does my sister like to suck cocks?
Randy: You two talk. What did she tell you?
Jules: She doesn't like it as much as I do.
Randy: I wouldn't know.
Jules: Is she any good?
Randy: I suppose.
Jules: You suppose? What kind of an answer is that? Either she is or she isn't.
Randy: I suppose she's good.
Jules: Compared to who?
Randy: Compared to previous partners.
Jules: I'll bet I'm better.
Randy: I guess I'll have to take your word for it.
Jules: Does she do it very often?
Randy: I suppose.
Jules: How long has it been since she has sucked your cock? When was the last time?
Randy: That's a bit personal, don't you think?
Jules: That long, huh?
Randy: When's the last time you sucked Tom's cock?
Jules: Just yesterday as a matter of fact.
Randy: Good for him.
Jules: I'm lying. He doesn't like to have his cock sucked any more.
Randy: Now you're lying. What man doesn't like to have his dick sucked.
Jules: He thinks it something beyond us. (talks like Tom) "Older, more mature couples should behave like older, more mature couples." I said, "You don't think older, more mature couples still have oral sex?" He said, "You think your parents still have oral sex?" I said, "I don't think my parents ever had oral sex." He said, "Children are always in denial about their parents sex life. They're human too." I said, "Then, yes, I do think my parents still have oral sex and they are a lot older and more mature than we are." He said, "I'm not interested, Jules. You want to make love I'm all for it, but you want to behave like a teenager, I ain't interested." I said, "But we had oral sex when we weren't teenagers."
Randy: What did he say?
Jules: "You know what I meant, Jules."
Randy: You're serious?
Jules: Unfortunately.
Randy: Maybe he's seeing someone.
Jules: Then at least I would know he was still interested in sex. But Tom seeing someone, don't make me laugh. He's got all the sex he wants at home. If he wanted it.
Randy: Perhaps I married the wrong sister. (Randy realizes he's been thinking aloud) That was tequila induced.
Jules pauses and looks at Randy to see if he is serious.
Jules: Is that why you were looking at me, during the fourth of July, when you were over, like you wanted to fuck me?
Randy: Excuse me.
Jules: You weren't looking at me?
Randy: I didn't say that.
Jules: I know that look.
Randy: Let's say if I was looking at you like that - and I'm not saying I was - maybe it was because you were dressed to kill. (Randy looks Jules up and down) Like now.
Jules: You noticed that?
Randy: It was hard not to. You had on those pink shorts, that white top, those pink flip-flops, that push-up bra, your toe nails painted to match. Who wouldn't notice?
Jules: You have a good memory.
Randy: You looked good. What can I say?
Jules: Then you were looking at me like you wanted to fuck me?
Randy: Only because, I suppose, you wanted to be fucked. True? I mean why dress that way?
Jules: Doesn't mean I wanted to necessarily be fucked by you.
Randy: I didn't mean by me. I just meant in general. You were walking around that entire day, in an outfit I might add, that suggested you were on the prowl. I just assumed you were getting Tom all hot and bothered for later on.
Jules laughed.
Jules: Tom is not the sort who "fucks" anybody.
Randy: I'm sorry, I didn't realize that, then. I was just saying...
Jules: What about you and my sister? It's been hard knowing you two have a healthy sex life.
Randy: Had.
Jules: Had?
Randy: It hasn't been what you'd call 'healthy' for quite a while. Oh, it was in the beginning. Best sex I ever had in fact. Never a disappointment. But lately, it's been seldom and even when it does happen it's totally uneventful and boring, I guess.
Jules: Boring? I find that hard to believe.
Randy: Why would I lie?
Jules: I'm sorry, I didn't mean to infer you were lying. I just meant I find it hard to believe my sister is boring in bed.
Randy: I think it has more to do with me.
Jules: You? You're boring in bed? I find that even harder to believe.
Randy: I don't think she's attracted to me any more. Your sister is a very visual person when it comes to men. She sees a man who turns her on and she gets turned on.
Jules: A lot of women are like that.
Randy: But Susan is not the type of woman who can maintain an attraction for someone. Not over a very long period of time anyway. Variety, I'm afraid, is the spice of her life.
Jules: You think she's seeing someone else?
Randy: I don't think she's 'seeing' someone, but I think it has happened in the past.
Jules: Wow! I'm deeply surprised. Really.
Randy: I didn't mean to burst your bubble about Susan. Sorry.
Jules: But she married you. That has to count for something.
Randy: I'm sure it does, but I don't think it has anything to do with sexual attraction. I think she felt it was time.
Jules: And you were the consolation prize, so to speak?
Randy: I don't think it's that dramatic, but I don't think it's that far off the mark either.
Jules: You don't think she loves you?
Randy: I think she loves me the best she can. The best she knows how.
Jules: What does that mean?
Randy: Your sister is not the most affectionate person alive. It's hard to know how she's really feeling some times.
Jules: Meaning what?
Randy: Meaning she doesn't show me much affection even of a nonsexual nature.
Jules: You're kidding, right?
Randy: I wish I were.
Jules: Tom is like that. Except he's just doesn't know how to do it. I mean he tries. He really tries, but sometimes it's almost annoying. No, I take that back, it is annoying. I'll be doing dishes and he'll come up from behind me and put his arms around me and try to kiss my neck, tell me dinner was fine. It's not like a man has come up from behind me and pulled me to him, sort of pulling my ass to his crotch and letting me know, without saying a word, he'd like to fuck me right there in the kitchen.
Randy doesn't say a word for a few moments. Jules has said something that has hit home.
Randy: Do something for me?
Jules: What?
Randy: Turn around.
