Being a pastor has always had its own unique occupational hazards. Job security is virtually non-existent because a pastoral appointment can be terminated at the whim of the church board. And even though most contracts require a 30-day advance notice of termination, I've known men who were told on a Sunday that their services would no longer be needed, and they were expected to vacate the parsonage by Friday.
The financial and psychological impact on a pastor's family is often devastating in these kinds of situations. And I've seen pastors who were so shaken by the self-serving greed and power mongering of a church board that they simply left the pastorate, never to darken the doors of a church again.
But there are other, more sinister hazards that constantly threaten the job security of young pastors like myself. These are the dangers that lurk in the shadows of confessionals – when a parishioner comes to my office to privately discuss some dark area of their life. Some are seeking genuine absolution of their sins, while others have no intention of changing anything about their life but only want someone to talk with – someone who will listen without passing judgment.
Of course, it is understood that anything revealed in the pastor's office never leaves the room – no matter how grievous the sin. I've been sword to absolute secrecy, and even though I've learned of some terrible sin, or even some heinous crime, I am not at liberty to tell anyone, not even the authorities.
My oath of silence has been tested numerous times – like the upstanding church board member who was troubled by his desires to have sex with underage boys, or the executive who confessed to intentionally doctoring the books of his company to secure a much needed bank loan, or the grandmother who regularly shoplifted in some of the city's most exclusive department stores. There is also the assortment of unfaithful husbands who have been caught by their wives, or of unfaithful wives whose affairs were discovered by their husbands. There was even the church member who finally confessed to the murder of his first wife – a crime that had remained unsolved for thirty years, and still remains unsolved to this day because of my vow of secrecy.
But the greatest hazard of all for young pastors like myself are the young women who come for consolation following the shipwreck of a romantic relationship. They are vulnerable, longing for affection, and desperate to prove to themselves that they are still desirable. And all too often, they turn their affections to the pastor who represents comfort and consolation in times of need. And even though the pastor may be married, as I am, it's not at all uncommon for a woman who has just been through the collapse of a relationship to suddenly see in her pastor the strength of manhood, and the stability she so desperately desires.
This temptation has been laid at my feet more than once. And while thoughts of my own beautiful Lauren flood my mind at those times, they were often pushed aside by the knowledge that I could so easily take what was being offered so freely – and no one would know.
But somehow I always found the strength to always resist those temptations until Rachael came to my office in need of comfort and consolation following the collapse of her brief marriage.
Rachael is one of those rare examples of beauty beyond description. Her long raven-black hair fell across her shoulders and framed the most beautiful face I have ever seen. Her green eyes and full lips were enough to turn the head of the most righteous saint. She was so stunningly beautiful that I found myself almost instantly swept away by waves of lustful and forbidden thoughts. My eyes wandered from her exquisite face, to her ample bosom, to her long sculptured, sensuous legs hidden beneath the soft transparent texture of stockings that match the color of her hair.
I will never forget the dress she wore the first time we met privately in my office. I've often wondered if she specifically chose that dress for that occasion just to see how I would react. It was certainly not something a woman professing godliness would wear in church, nor even in a public gathering of church folks. It was far too provocative. The neckline plunged to reveal more than half of her milk white breasts, and it clung to her body like some finely tailored glove. The hem was short enough while she stood to see her firm thighs. But when she sat in the chair across from me, the dress pulled up to reveal even more of her thighs – so much so that I could barely see the tops of her stockings held in place by fasteners that could only be connected to a garter belt or some other provocative undergarment.
Rachael's voice was soft and sensuous – almost breathy. And her words were carefully framed in such a manner to reveal a great depth of worldly wisdom. She was intelligent, sensual, beautiful, and alluring. But the real dangers lie in the fact that she was also lonely and highly vulnerable. And even my best efforts to think of my own wife's beauty and sensual qualities were quickly overwhelmed by the animal-like sensuality that seemed to pull at me with an irresistible force.
We talked for well over an hour, and while I don't remember all she said, I knew she wanted to prove to herself that she was still desirable. She wanted to know if it was a sin to have such strong desires to make love to someone special in her life. I didn't really know how to answer her because I kept thinking how much I wanted to be that someone. And if making love to her was a sin then I was ready to sell my very soul for even one hour with her.
But then she shifted the conversation into a new direction. Her anger and bitterness toward her husband came boiling to the surface. She was filled with such indignation and hostility toward him because he had left her for a young girl barely out of her teens. Rachael hated him so. In fact, she was afraid she was beginning to hate all men – feeling that all men are only in a relationship with a woman for one thing. Sex.
I could certainly see how sex would be at the top of the list for any man who would enter a relationship with Rachael. She was so desirable that sexual thoughts would most certainly stir through the mind of any healthy man.
I knew she would have no problem finding another man. Rachael was in her mid-twenties – twenty-four, I think – and the combination of her youth and unparalleled beauty would be a prize for any man. But she was not so sure she could trust another man. And that's when Rachael stunned me with a confession that took me by complete surprise.
Rachael said she had fallen in love with another woman.
