Saturday was not a good day, the whole week had been horrible and the N'oreaster rolling through did little to improve my psyche. Sleep deprived I arrived at "Werks" earlier than normal, not expecting to see Kate nor really caring if I did. I quickly became engrossed in my reading and was only distracted when I found my cup empty. I had been there two hours when Kate showed up an hour later than normal. Despite the weather, she seemed to be in a decent mood. Looking back I regret how I behaved that day, though I was capable of nothing more.
I barely acknowledged Kate as she sat down; offering her no greeting and no smile. I just kept my nose in the book and didn't even look up. She tried to talk to me a couple of times but I didn't respond, not even with a grunt. My rudeness eventually took its toll, Kate dealt with my indifference for about 20 minutes before rising silently to leave. I heard her push the chair back, I wasn't going to say a word but something; maybe it was weakness, desperation or guilt caused me to speak. I didn't even look up as the words seeped from me in little more than a whisper.
"My mother died."
It was the first personal or intimate detail I had shared with Kate. Up to that point I had been vague, sharing little more than surface details about myself. She sat back down, my bleary eyes rose from the book to her. She looked very composed, maybe even relieved; reaching across the table she took hold of my hand and I closed "Guyton's Book of Medical Physiology."
We sat silently for a moment before I spoke. Kate just held my hand as I began to describe the dysfunction of my family. She listened patiently as I spoke of my brother returning home, damaged emotionally from Vietnam when I was four. My mother whose personal demons tore at the fabric of our family until my parents separated when I was eight. I spoke about my father, brother and of my mother an unsteady and unbalanced fixture trying to do her best just to function.
It felt I like had been speaking for hours; as if I had let forth the ugliest, most venomous parts of myself to this woman who intrigued me so; who caused me so many conflicted emotions, who I wanted so to impress and who I really knew nothing of. I felt completely exposed. It seemed that I had been talking for an eternity, it had been less than twenty minutes. When I stopped it took only a moment for me to compose myself. With her still holding my hand she asked;
"Billy when was the service?"
"Yesterday." I said flatly
"Where?"
"Thermopolis"
"When did you get in?" She asked.
"This morning, I took the red eye from Salt Lake." I said flatly.
Kate stayed there with me for a few moments before I withdrew my hand. I forget what I said to her, I knew she had to pick up her girls. I knew that I had taken advantage of her kindness and I sensed that I would probably never see her again. We walked to the door together, she was wrapped in a Burberry raincoat that only left her face exposed and I was in a cheap black plastic slick that barely fit.
We stepped outside and paused underneath the awning, she looked up at me and said; "Billy, I am so sorry." Then she lifted herself to her toes and embraced me. I was shocked by how grateful I was for the human contact that I brought my arms around her without thinking. I held her for just long enough to feel her relax in my embrace and for the scent of her perfume to tease me; regaining my composure, reality returned and I released her.
We stepped back from each other and she reached up to wipe away the rain trickling down my face."Are you okay, Billy?" she said with a concern I had heard very few times up to that point in my life. I smiled weakly and nodded in response before turning around. "I must be okay, my heart is still beating" I thought to myself and I headed home.
I really just wanted to be by myself or that is what I thought until I returned to the emptiness of my apartment, suddenly I felt isolated and very insecure. Earlier in the week I called in to work and let Siobhan know what happened and she had covered my shifts through the weekend. Now, alone in my apartment I realized that I had to get out or else I was going to engage in less than constructive behavior. I called Siobhan at home and asked if anyone needed a shift covered. My desperation must have been evident, because she told me she would find something and to just show up at the "Circle" at five. I then threw some gear into a bag and walked up to campus in the rain and worked out.
At five I showed up at work, Siobhan watched me as I walked in and with some concern said:
"Jesus Billy, when did you last sleep?"
"I got a couple hours on the flight from Salt Lake." I replied.
"You know, I can get someone else to work the door tonight." She said.
"I'm good, I'll stock everything up and help out Sue behind the bar until it gets busy."
Everyone must have sensed the foulness of my mood, I imagine that I exuded an air of anger, frustration and raw angst, because they avoided me for the most part. Both Amy and Beth were working, and they each came up to me and gave me a small hug and some reassurance. I tried to be gracious but I know that I appeared cold and numb. Later I was going down to the stockroom to grab a couple cases of light beer. I was unlocking the stock room door when I felt someone lightly lay a hand on the back of my shoulder. I turned slowly to find Tricia the hostess behind me. She kept her hand on me, with a cocked head she smiled slightly, stepped forward and gave me a gentle hug.
For some reason I didn't just stand there stiffly with my arms limply at my side. I actually raised my arms around her and pulled her snugly against me, her head wedged like a puzzle piece into the crook of my neck. Tricia and I had never touched before this moment and there was something comforting about this embrace, but I also sensed something....something more than affection, something raw and real; something we had sensed but never acknowledged or acted upon. I held her for a minute before releasing her. She stepped back from me and adjusted my tie, before slowly turning around and heading down the hall, as she turned into the dining room she looked over her shoulder and gave me a reassuring smile.
The storm was winding down but it was still wet and windy and not many people were out and fewer were at the 'Circle'. There was no reason to cover the door; so, I spent most of my time working as the bar back and busing tables for the wait staff. By nine we had shut down the kitchen and there were only a handful of patrons at the bar. Siobhan told Tricia and I that we could clock out. I went to the back and found Tricia pulling on her black vinyl rain coat.
"Heading to the 'T'?" Tricia asked.
"Yup."
"Want to share an umbrella?" She asked patting hers.
Smiling in response I nodded.
We headed out into the rain, I held the umbrella over us and Tricia hooked her arm into mine as we started towards the 'T' station. After a few steps Tricia broke silence.
"How you holding up Doc?"
Doc was a nickname she had given me when we first started working together, a few others called me that.
"Not bad..." I replied.
"Everyone was surprised to see you tonight."
"Well, I needed to get out...it was good even if people avoided me." I said with a chuckle.
"Well what do you expect Doc, you're a loner who is aloof on your best days." Tricia said looking up at me.
"I'm not a loner....I'm just introverted." I replied with a tinge of sarcasm.
"I'm introverted; you're an extroverted loner who is just a bit intense."
"Am not." I answered sarcastically.
Tricia's only response was to look up at me with a smirk and to roll her eyes.
There weren't many people on the street but a there were a few more in the underground shelter of the station. Pulling the umbrella closed I noticed a couple of men staring at Tricia. I wasn't surprised, Tricia was quite striking: She was 5'8, incredibly thin (she was FLAT as a board and had no ass) maybe 110 pounds, sported dyed shoulder length hair that varied from one dark tone to another depending on the week and her skin was very fair, almost translucent.
Tonight, as usual, she wore no makeup with the exception of dark lipstick, mascara and eyeliner, which accentuated her already gaunt features. Even though her black vinyl rain coat covered the black sheer top (that only just obscured the black bra underneath) and her leather skirt, one could glimpse the fishnet stockings that slid into her knee high lace up black boots. Sensing the attention that she was drawing, I stepped closer to Tricia put my arm around her shoulders and gently pulled her to me. Tricia looked up at me and smiled before wrapping her arm around my waist and leaning her head against my chest.
