Pussy-Licer: Ins & Perversions

Holidays in the sun. And all that Ouzo, Bouzouki music and Mediterranean sunshine can do strange things to a girl's libido. Especially when she's competing with the Sabre-Toothed Tart...

I'll tell you exactly how it happened.

There was no warning, believe me. I met him on a Monday, and my heart stood still. I said 'I do Ron, Ron, Ron, I do Ron, Ron', and we move in together. Difficult to reason it all through today. Hormones are blind. They make you do strange things. I look across at him now, the ears big enough to pick up satellite TV, the laugh that crackles like a cold engine failing to start. And I think, surely even the most retarded of slopeheads could have predicted this wouldn't work out.

Soon, even our sex becomes as dull as re-chewing old bubblegum. Well, that's not strictly true. Ron has one redeeming asset. It's big. It's purple. It's a girl's best friend. And I ain't talking about Dino the plastic dinosaur! But you can't build a relationship on JUST that. And now it's ending, as I suppose most affairs do, in a sloppy mindless sort of way. A story with no fixed abode. But before it finally ends, there's the holiday in Greece. And there's Eddie.

We surf the brochures. Choose a Small-But-Friendly package to Triopriapus. Then Ron decides it would be a good idea to go as a foursome. I'd met Eddie once or twice. He seemed nice enough. So I said OK. But I didn't get to see Destiny until we all meet up in the airport lounge. She wears aquamarine lycra that contours her every contour, a Barbie look-alike, only more plastic. The kind of body that people look at, and then look again. I begin to have instant doubts.

How was I to know it would turn out to be so...? well, even as I think about it now the memory is so good it makes my pubic hair stand on end. I'm sitting on the edge of the bed, naked. They stand in front of me, also in the state of nature. And I kiss the Crawling King Snake. Then I kiss Hissing Sid. Double the pleasure. Double the fun. And don't believe what they tell you about knob-gobbling, cocks don't all taste the same. Both are firm and hot at the touch of my lips, moving responsively to the intimate caress of my tongue. But the warm, slightly salt fleshy musk of them is different, distinctive, exciting.

The choice is in my own hands, then in my mouth. Then I have one in each hand as they ease me back down onto the bed, their breath making patterns on my body, on my nipples. My eyes close. One of them is kissing me. As I tongue-kiss Ron, the taste of Eddie's cock is still in my mouth. The other is parting my legs, his weight on me, his cock pressing its way into me. I can no longer tell for sure which is which. And I no longer care. Then they change positions. My toes curling in ecstasy as they probe deep...

Once on the plane, things get worse. Destiny starts on the Duty-Free trolley, and gets into an argument with the Hostess. And Ron can't take his eyes off her. I'm thinking Lust is an anagram of Slut. She has overly-red over-lipsticked lips playing boundary to a set of teeth perfectly white enough to show they're not entirely her own. And she has nipples the size of fifty-pence coins, outlined like Braille through the lycra. But above those huge global endowments she's a serious airhead.

'Sun, sex and Sangria, eh, Drusilla?' she giggles across at me.

'No, Destiny. We're going to Greece. They don't have Sangria there. Ouzo. Metaxa.'

'We'll just have to make do with sun and sex then, won't we?'

Ron looks at Eddie in a way that says 'you lucky sod. You must be getting it twice a day.' While Eddie nonchalantly examines his nails in a way that says 'oh, I don't like to brag, but you know how it is.' She's already unsteady on her ludicrous heels when we deplane in Athens, transferring by coach to Piraeus Harbour, and then onto the ferry for the sea trip to the island. I'll concede it was a little choppy, but did she HAVE to start throwing up quite so loudly over the side, and quite so soon? This, I'm thinking, is a mistake.

The resort curves around a bay, tavernas and bars fringing an 'Old Town' beside a small harbour where light shimmer on the Aegean swell. The Nikos Apartments are set slightly below the tree-line which rises through dazzling white cliffs to the circling hills. We have two bedrooms with shared kitchen, lounge and balcony-space. I'd have thought it delightful were it not for a totally incapacitated Destiny lurching and teetering on absurd stilettos into the reception beside me.

The following morning Eddie looks pale, frail and red-eyed. But his tousled hair says to me that he's had nothing more than a struggle with an overnight pillow. I get the impression last night has been an I.O.U. sex session. Not that Destiny seems bothered. I've got guidebooks and want to visit the ruined temple on the hilltop. But no. She wants the beach. I wear a sensible two-piece costume. But no, Destiny goes topless, bouncing and jiggling her huge glistening sun-oiled orbs in a way that has Ron hypnotised, his eyes yo-yoing to their every quivery movement. I ignore him. And feel ignored. That evening we eat beneath the vines and bougainvillaea where the taverna fronts on the silver-flecked turquoise of the Aegean.

'The sea?' she says, 'it's one-third sunscreen and two-thirds tourist piss.'

I eat moussaka. But no, she wants steak and chips. In the middle of the meal she tells a dirty joke, 'what has a penis and a Rubik Cube got in common? The longer you play with them, the harder they get!' She's shrieking with laughter that has the entire clientele looking at us disapprovingly. 'And I've always loved playing with... a Rubik Cube' she adds. As I hide behind the menu hoping no-one will notice me. Then, after the meal she wants to dance, so we wind up at a tacky Disco. She's really getting into the ouzo now, making 'Zorba's Dance' a XXX-rated bump 'n' grind routine. And I can't wait for it to end.

But for me, it's just about to begin.

It's a hot night. I lie naked under the single sheet. We've just begun making slow and unenthusiastic sex when Eddie knocks on the door. I suppose I'm more than a little... aroused. Ron gets up, puts his shorts on, and goes to let him in. As I listen to their hushed secretive discussion by the door I slip hastily into a blouse, long enough to cover my fuzzy-felt. Now Eddie is pacing up and down our room, wearing only his y-fronts, and Ron sits beside me on the bed.

'It's Destiny' Ron whispers to me. 'She's passed out, again. Just as they were going to... you know! what we were going to do. Same thing happened last night when she got seasick. He's pissed off, and more than a little frustrated.' As he's talking, his fingers are doing touchy-feely things between my legs each time Eddie's back is turned.

At first I'm careful to make sure my blouse is closed over my breasts, so as not to cause embarrassment. But almost without realising it I become aware that – not only has it slipped open to reveal my right nipple, but that Eddie has already noticed. He's looking with obvious approval. A sudden move on my part now would only draw attention to the situation, and anyway, we are on Triopriapus, topless is hardly unusual. We've all seen Destiny, haven't we? So I relax and let him look. But isn't the bulge in his shorts more prominent than it was before? Ron has wriggled one finger clear up my vagina, the other thrumming on my clitoris, so I have difficulty keeping track.

'I think I'd best go' mumbles Eddie.

'No mate. It's alright. We can't let you go in this state.'

'You need a group hug' I add, greatly daring.

So he sits down between us and I give him what's intended to be a sisterly friendly hug of moral reassurance and support. Only my nipple is exposed, and pushes up against his bare chest as I do it. The feeling is electric. And the kiss, which at first is lazy, curious and teasing in a matey sort of way, becomes more passionate than I'd intended. I can hardly believe what's happening. Ron is kissing my newly aroused nipple until it stands out. I try half-heartedly to push his head away and draw the blouse back into place, but instead it only gapes further as Eddie begins to kiss my lips with added fever. He holds me tight. And he's in no hurry to let me go.

At the same time Ron returns to his games between my legs, less furtively this time. And we – all three of us, are lying together in a tangle of limbs on the bed. We're kissing in a slurry of tongues, first one guy, then the other. Ron caressing one of my tits, Eddie giving intimate attention to its twin. And I'm aware of the hard insistent pressure of two cocks against my legs, coolly accepting that once the process is begun – in Cynthia Payne's memorable phrase, the pressure will only be relieved when despunking has occurred.

This'll teach Destiny, I'm thinking. Now I'm the centre of attention. It's my sexiness that's made them hard. It's only my sexiness that can relieve that hardness.

Ron's head moves down across my stomach to lodge itself between my parted legs. To give Ron his due, he's always had a wicked tongue, and once he begins to work on me, the last shreds of my resistance goes all gooey. My legs splay wider to allow him better access, and his mouth melts into my salivating cunt. Sometimes I've fantasised, in dreamy fantasy I've imagined in my next life I'm going to be incredibly wealthy with a male harem of hunky guys there just for the purpose of pleasuring me. A rogues gallery of insatiable beasts. But I'll keep Ron just to give me tongue-and-groove gob-jobs whenever I want it, at my whim.

What have vaginas and computer games got in common? When you push the right buttons, the action starts. And I love... computer games.

My eyes close in waves of helpless pleasure, and when I open them, Eddie is naked, fiercely erect, and masturbating with an expression that says 'now you see the splendid beast, proud and angry before you – impressive, isn't it? But wait until you see it in ACTION!' What can I do? He's lonely, sexually frustrated. It will do no harm for him to watch, will it? My legs are spread at their widest and most immodest, my hips writhing up and down as Ron's tongue slithers and laps at me, honey-suckling in my sopping-wet tufty club.

My mouth gapes because I'm breathing in deep heavy gasps. That's my next mistake. I feel Eddie straddling me, feel his grievous bodily hard-on skimming my nipples. Now that's something I've always had a weakness for. Particularly when his balls dangle across my breasts leaving a trembling trail of sensation.

The Agony Aunt letter in my magazine says 'does penis size matter?' Well, no – not in a deeply meaningful long-term relationship it doesn't. But when it's anointing your nipples with silver gloopy pre-cum and winking its single eye appealingly a couple of inches from your face, such considerations don't count for a lot. I close my eyes and inhale, and seem to breathe his cock in with it, and once in my mouth it's impossible to dislodge.

Now this isn't something I'd normally do. I wouldn't even watch it on an internet porn-site. But there I am, legs splayed all mushy as Ron works my clit up to a frenzy with his tongue, while Eddie sits across my tits with his big cock saying hello to my tonsils. It seems bad manners to spit it out. Even if I could, because the angle it forces my head back makes any such movement impossible. So what can a poor girl do but suck at it, feel it flex and stiffen up against the roof of my mouth, and run my tongue up and down as much of it as I can. The noises are obscene, a slurpy deep-throated gurgling, a squelchy syrupy suction that I can't believe is coming from me.

It all seems to go on blissfully as Eddie rocks it back and forth between my lips, his pendulous balls squashing up against my chin. Then he's slithering it free, and for a moment I feel confused. Ron, also nude, abandons his tongue-lashing at the same time, to lie beside me on his back. What am I supposed to do, sit on him? I squirm around to do it, but Eddie takes my head gently and directs it downwards. I get the idea. I've sucked one. Now I suck the other.

I shrug and crouch down to mouth Ron's erection, while Eddie takes advantage of my raised sweat-oiled hips and spread pussy. I feel his fingers separating me, questing me out. I wriggle my bottom like a giggling schoolgirl. Feel the hot hard nose-cone of his cock forcing a smooth but insistent entry. And I'm penetrated from both ends. A Crawling King Snake in my mouth and a Hissing Sid where it counts, in the hairy lair. The sensations are so bizarrely erotic I'm shimmering all over as Eddie slides in and out, each thrust nudging me up and down on boyfriend Ron.

And I'm making my mouth a tight cunt for him, then my cunt as supple and responsive as a mouth. It builds and builds until I can't take any more, and when orgasm hits me, it must register on the Richter scale. At the same time Ron is suddenly pumping thick spunk into the back of my throat, grunting and groaning as he pulses and twitches. It tastes rich and salty.

Now it's Eddie's turn. I lie on my back as he runs his cock up and down between my breasts, until he starts spurting, and I thought he'd never stop. My nipples are soon covered in blobby puddles as thick as condensed milk. I've heard it's good for the skin-tone. Pure protein and hormones. 'I always wanted to do that' he breathes.

'So much cum' I say wonderingly, as I kiss its messy tip. 'What about Destiny? Won't she let you spunk-off across her tits?'

He snorts. 'We've not had sex for a month. Everyone thinks she's Kama Sutra on two legs. They envy me. They think we're at it non-stop. But when it comes down to... this, she's not really interested. It's all 'don't disturb my hair, watch the make-up, I've just done my nails'.' He pauses. So I kiss his cock again by way of encouragement. 'I once gave her a pair of black stockings and asked her to wear them when we had sex. She goes into the bathroom to change while I lie on the bed, waiting, dick in hand in anticipation. When she comes out she's wearing it over her head like a mugger or bank-robber. She thought that was so funny. She cracked up with laughter over my expression of disappointment. 'I just want to party' she says, 'that's Pee-ah-tee-WHY. Why? Because I want to, that's why.' And she laughs at her own sad little joke.'

'Well' I giggle. 'As a favour to a close friend, we'll always find a position for you, won't we Ron?' I can't believe what I'm saying. It sounds like risqué dialogue from a 'Carry On' film!

I have to confess this.

I won't tell you my real name. I wouldn't if I wanted to, but under the circumstances I don't want to anyway. Nevertheless, confess I must. The rest of the holiday gets to become a blur. In the morning I feel SO GOOD. Over breakfast croissants beneath the parasol, I can't stop smirking. The Sabre-Toothed Tart has no idea why her Eddie is being so attentive to me. Today, we go to the temple. And later, on the beach, I leave my top off. Why not? they've both seen my tits. Destiny claps her hands in a way that has her mammoth mammary mounds wobbling in sympathy, almost clapping along. But this time, both Ron and Eddie are looking at me. I luxuriate in their attention. Let them look. Let them compare. My tits are as good as hers.

She wants to go water-skiing, no-one else seems keen. She goes anyway. And even though tonight we go to the Disco she spends all her time flirting and passing notes to a guy who looks very much like the blonde German hunk in charge of the water-ski concession. When we get back to the Nikos Apartments, Destiny has gone missing, she's sloped off – with the German. But Eddie doesn't seem concerned. Almost before we're in the room we're undressing each other. I get more King Snake and Hissing Sid, and double helpings of gooey stuff until I'm purring with satisfaction.

The next day Eddie and Destiny have a fight. Then they make up.

That night Eddie stays in their room, and I turn my back on Ron. I'm disappointed. No longer in the mood. 'What's got into you?' he says, probably unaware of the double entendre I'm already smirking at. 'One cock not enough for you anymore?' I sulk and act petulant, but the truth of the matter is, he's right. I want both of them.

So it's ending, as I suppose most affairs do, in a sloppy mindless sort of way. Well, that's not strictly true. When Ron eventually shuffles off this mortal coil to join Elvis and Kurt Cobain, he has one great asset that should go on public display at the Natural History Museum, so people can gaze on its majestic dimensions with astonishment and awe. A bit like Tutankhamen's head, only more wondrous. But right now, a big cock isn't enough.

He says 'you still love me, Drusilla. Don't you?'

But no. I'm no longer in love. Just a little in lust. I avoid his eyes, thinking 'I'm sorry. But I don't Ron, Ron, Ron, I don't Ron Ron.'

He smiles. And although I'm thinking of him, I'm thinking of Eddie too.

It's in the Athens Departure Lounge that Destiny leans across to me and whispers 'I don't suppose you're interested. But Eddie's suggested that the four of us go on a winter holiday together. Skiing. On the Piste, y'know?'

And as she sniggers, blotchy-red with sunburn and filmed with perspiration, I'm thinking, why not? I can stay with Ron until then. Can't I?

BY TRISTAN TROTSKY