Prissy Rissy

The next day, when Krissy called and told me she'd gotten her period, immediately became one of the Top 5 happiest moments of my life, just edging out my bar mitzvah. As much as I enjoyed the act of inseminating my girlfriend, I desperately did not want to get her pregnant.

Krissy, on the other hand, was far less pleased.

"Yes, but what are we going to

do

?" she asked, as if a few days without sex was a devastating development.

Fortunately, I already had an idea. A few weeks before, when we'd gone to the town fair, we'd run into my old friend, Adam Kaplan. At the time, I'd made a seemingly empty agreement to hang out at some point in the future. But now seemed like a good time to take him up on his offer.

Adam was an OK guy. We were friends, sure, but it's not like we used to hang out all the time in high school. He was someone I knew from temple, a good guy, but we didn't have a ton in common. A friendship of coincidental geography, mostly.

But he had two very important attributes: One, he was around. That sounds like the bare minimum (and it was) but most of my actual friends had left town long ago. It's one of the reasons my whole social life seemed to orbit around Krissy. There simply wasn't anyone else.

Two, Adam was in a serious, long-term relationship. And if Krissy and I were a couple, then we needed some couple friends. If anything, just to give us something to do when sex wasn't an option. So, with Krissy's reluctant permission, we made plans.

After I was done with work, I drove over to Krissy's camp to pick her up. The place was west of my house, where the suburbs melted into something that could be mistaken for farm land. Nowadays, the area is all developments and McMansions. But back in the day, it was nearly empty, if you can believe it.

The camp, itself, was down a gravel road that wound through bare, undeveloped land till it came to a large, white mansion. Behind it, I could see the outlines of a playground, a ropes course, and a large pool.

There was a curved driveway, so I pulled into that, behind a bunch of parents all waiting to get their kids. I sat in my car, enjoying the A/C and the exhaust fumes, while listening to Mike and The Mad Dog argue about the merits of Todd Hundley.

Finally, a bell gonged loudly three times. An army of children -- boys and girls, none older than nine and all wearing matching white t-shirts -- descended on our line of cars. Running and screaming with abandon. Our quiet existence roared to life as parents jockeyed with each other over who could pick up their kids, then drive away the fastest.

Once all the kids were gone, and the smoke cleared, the counselors started drifting out. I noticed that all of them were women. I thought that was a little odd, but I guessed that was how they rolled at the Christian camp.

I thought I'd see a few familiar faces, but they were all strangers. Finally, I saw a head of golden blonde hair headed my way. Krissy gave me a tired smile as she climbed into my Saturn.

"Abby needs a ride home," Krissy said, punctuating her sentence with an exasperated sigh.

I looked across the passenger window and saw, sure enough, the petite, busty redhead was standing outside my car. She gave me an excited wave, bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet.

I gave the girl a nod, and she climbed into my backseat.

"Thanks!" she said, jumping in.

Even though Abby was Krissy's age, 19, it felt more like driving her little sister. The whole way, Abby bopped along in the backseat to music, motor-mouthing about her day. I did my best to keep up with the conversation, occasionally interjecting to ask for directions.

"So, what are you two up to?" Abby asked.

As soon as she said it, I realized all the other talk had been warming up to this. The tiny redhead seemed endlessly intrigued by the idea of Krissy and me.

"We're meeting another couple for a movie," I said.

"Oooo, double date," Abby said, "That sounds like fun."

For a moment, I cringed as I waited for her to ask to come along. Fortunately, Krissy cut in.

"Yes, it will be nice to spend time with another couple," she said. Accenting those last two words to make it clear that having a partner was a requirement.

"I bet it's neat," Abby continued, "Sitting in the back of the theater. Holding hands. Kissing."

"I don't think it'll be like that," I said.

"But you guys do that stuff, right?" Abby asked.

Krissy rolled her eyes. Apparently, this was a common line of interrogation from the eager, innocent redhead.

"Yes, Abby," Krissy said with the tone of a tired parent. "We kiss and hold hands and stuff."

'Stuff' covered a lot of sins. I didn't think Krissy would be too happy with me for elucidating further. Instead, I stayed focused on the drive.

"It sounds so dreamy," Abby said, "It must be so nice to be in love."

I gave Krissy a look. She arched her eyebrow my way. "Yes," she said, carefully. "I imagine it must be."

*

We dropped Abby off at a house that looked more like a mansion, a towering edifice set on a grassy hill. Just stopping in front of the house, I felt out of place. Like someone was going to call the cops on my ratter Saturn. Abby said a quick thanks before jumping out of my car and sprinting up her driveway.

Once she was gone, Krissy let out a sigh of relief.

"She's sweet," I said.

"She's a lot," Krissy replied.

Our responsibility disposed of, I drove us through the Watchung Reservation to get to Route 22. It was a stark contrast, going down windy roads past untouched forest, then suddenly turning onto a wild, two-lane road flanked on either side by busy stores. Traffic screamed past us.

They'd built a new multiplex on the eastbound side and (after two mid-highway u-turns and one jughandle) I managed to maneuver us over. As we pulled into the lot, I saw Adam and Gwen waiting for us, shading their eyes in the bright, summer sun.

They made for an odd-looking pairing, the two of them. As I said, Adam was tall and almost scarecrow skinny, his brown curly hair only adding to the sense of his height. Gwen was equally thin, but quite short -- barely five feet. I imagined she needed a stepladder to kiss her long-time boyfriend.

We parked and headed over to meet them. Adam shook my hand. Gwen gave me a quick, chaste hug. She was wearing denim shorts and a striped, sleeveless top. Her brown hair was tied back in a ponytail.

I'd always thought Gwen was cute. Her mom was Jewish, but her dad was Greek. The strengths of both cultures had combined to create a very attractive (though quite tiny) woman with pink cheeks, expressive green eyes, and a warm smile.

Gwen wasn't gorgeous like Krissy, but her distinctive features gave her a beauty all her own. She and Adam had been together forever, so I hardly considered her an option. But it's always nice to get a hug from an attractive woman.

Krissy, still in her camp outfit of shorts and a white t-shirt with that bizarre Jesus-camp logo, gave Adam a hug too before introducing herself to Gwen. My blonde girlfriend was acting more aloof than usual, and I got the sense she was nervous. I'd never thought of Krissy as an introvert before, but suddenly it made sense. What a lot of people read as frigid was probably fear.

I took my girlfriend's hand to reassure her, and we went into the theater. It didn't matter what movie we saw, that wasn't the point. We chose something suitably rom-commy and got snacks. Then we settled in near the back.

I'm sure it would disappoint Abby to know, but we didn't do much kissing. Adam and Gwen had that comfortable couple thing going on at this stage, where they acted more like close friends than anything else. And if Krissy was nervous about talking to the two of them, she wasn't going to start making out in front of them either.

After the movie, both Adam and Krissy had to use the bathroom, so Gwen and I stood in the hallway and waited. We did our best to not be awkward.

"Krissy seems nice," Gwen said, idly. "You two make a cute couple."

"We do OK," I said, surprised at my own honesty. "Some parts of the relationship come easier than others."

"That's always the way," Gwen said. I had the sense she wanted to say more. And, silly me, I decided to go for it.

"What about you and Adam? The long-distance thing going alright?"

"It's fine," Gwen said in a way that made

fine

sound

not fine

at all. She let out a sigh. "This past year was hard. Being together now should be easier, like slipping into old shoes but, I dunno. Some things happened and, at the time, it didn't seem like such a big deal. But now. Sometimes you put on those old Keds and find they don't fit the same. If that makes sense."

I was a bit taken aback. I'll admit to trying to turn on the faucet, more out of instinctive curiosity than anything else. But I hadn't anticipated that much spilling out. Maybe, like for a lot of us, Gwen had been enduring a dry, lonely summer. And I was first person she'd found that she could actually open up to.

"Maybe your feet grew," I said, continuing her metaphor.

"Or the shoes just got old and ratty," Gwen said.

"I'm sorry," I said, meaning it.

"Me too."

Adam came out of the bathroom, grinning dopily at his girlfriend. She returned the smile, but I noticed it didn't climb all the way to her eyes. Suddenly, that couple-comfort that I'd envied before seemed sad and distant. Maybe it would've been better if we'd all made out in the back row.

It was around dinner time when the movie ended, so the four of us agreed to hit a nearby diner. Up to this point, we'd been taking things easy. Sitting together at a movie took very little pressure. But now, stuffed into a booth with red upholstery and a pink, sparkly formica table, we had a real challenge: actual conversation.

"So, how did you and Jake meet?" Adam asked Krissy, pointing a disco fry in her direction.

"We're neighbors," Krissy said, as if that explained everything.

"I used to stay over at Krissy's house when my mom had to work," I said.

"Ooo, young love," Gwen said.

"Not exactly," Krissy said.

"Krissy hated me," I said.

"That's not true, Jacob," Krissy said. She turned to Gwen. "I was, like, nine at the time."

The two of us had never actually acknowledged our previous relationship, if you could call it that. We never talked about the old days of playing in her basement. It was like all of that was from a prequel movie that had been retconned out of the canon. The consequences existed but the cause was gone. If I'm honest, I think Krissy was a little embarrassed about it. Though I can't say what, exactly, bothered her.

"We started hanging out this summer," I said.

"Jacob was working at the video store," Krissy said, "And we ran into each other."

"Well, that's very sweet," Gwen said.

"You've been together since high school?" Krissy asked.

"Pretty much," Adam said, smiling Gwen's way.

"But you're going to different schools now?" Krissy asked.

"Adam's pre-med," Gwen said, as if that explained everything.

"Gwen wants to be a lawyer," Adam said.

"We make it work," Gwen said. "Jake, you're in journalism, right?"

I grimaced. I guess we'd moved to on from Adam and Gwen's discomforts to mine. "Love me that journalism," I said, "It's just the bestest." Fortunately, the table didn't catch my sarcasm. Or chose to ignore it.

"What about you Krissy?" Adam asked, thankfully. "What are you studying?"

"I'm going to be a teacher," Krissy said with her usual confidence.

"Oh nice," Adam said, "You must love kids."

Krissy made a sour face, like he'd stuffed a lemon in her mouth. "They're OK, I guess," she said.

"Well, I mean." Gwen stumbled through her words, trying to find some appropriate response. "Teaching can, um, be its own reward. The act of learning. All that?"

Again, Krissy shrugged. She pulled a disco fry off her plate and gobbled it up in one bite. Everything had been such smooth sailing, and yet we'd still managed to founder. The awkward thrummed in my eardrums.

"Well, why does teaching appeal?" Adam asked, trying to rescue us from the rocks.

"Oh, it's just a job so that I can make extra money on the side," Krissy said, "That way I'm able to support my husband as much as possible."

The table dropped silent. The only sound, a tiny 'oh' that escaped Gwen's lips before she could lock them down. Krissy seemed to think this meant things needed more explanation, so she continued.

"I need to be at home. Taking care of things for my family. Making meals, cleaning the house."

"Raising kids," Adam suggested. I'm honestly not sure if he was teasing her or actually trying to be supportive.

"I suppose," Krissy said, then quickly corrected herself. "I mean, yes. Of course." But, again, she couldn't keep the wince off her face as she agreed to it.

Another long pause. Chewing is very loud. Have you ever noticed how much sound it makes to eat a french fry? Or slurp a soda? Even in a loud diner filled with conversation and clanging utensils, it's like a bombardment of noise.

Gwen took a deep breath, like steeling herself. "I'm sorry Krissy, I probably shouldn't say this, but that all sounds like someone else's life," she said, the words coming out so fast they practically ran into one another. As if she was spitting them out before her conscious mind could catch on and call a stop to things. "I mean, you haven't even met this 'husband' yet and you've already building your life around him. What about what

you

want?"

And, for a moment, I saw Krissy falter. It was a second. A second of a second. A flash that most people who didn't know her would have missed. But for that brief instant, Krissy's mouth quirked, and her eyes blinked just that little bit faster.

And then it was gone.

"That

is

what I want," Krissy said, the mask of indifference sliding effortlessly across her expression.

*

After dinner, we split off. I drove Krissy back to her house (not exactly an imposition since I was next door). The two of us stayed silent for most of the way. I knew how Krissy usually felt about things we did together that weren't sex. I was sure that she hated every minute of having to talk to the other couple. Gwen's tiny interrogation only made things worse.

The whole way home, I waited for Krissy to take out the knife and mercy kill our newformed friendship.

"They were nice," Krissy said, as I turned onto our street.

"Really?" I asked. "I mean, um, yes. They are."

"We should hang out with them again. You know, when there's time."

"I'd like that," I said.

*

After our double-dinner-date with Gwen and Adam, Krissy and I spent the weekend apart. Usually, we'd try to sneak in a phone call at least, but this time we didn't bother. Without sex, Krissy and I had nothing to talk about. Ironically, our newfound intimacy had only reinforced that point. If we weren't fucking, then what was the fucking point?

As I lazed around the house that Sunday, I was consumed by two conflicting thoughts. The first was how lucky we'd gotten. I'd been seeding Krissy's fertile womb like a coked-up farmhand with nothing but a tractor and time. Yet, magically, she didn't catch. My life was a mess, yes, but at least I didn't have any dependents to drag down with me. Being dumb enough to play Russian roulette with four chambers loaded doesn't lessen the relief when your brain stays intact. If anything, it only amps up the adrenaline of it.

But it's telling that my other thought was all about whether Krissy would be ready to go for our regularly scheduled rendezvous the next day. Personally, I didn't have a problem plowing her through her period (it was actually safer to do so), but I was more likely to get Krissy to jump off the Tappan Zee than agree to that. I told myself that I was worried about entertaining her if we couldn't have sex, but the truth was I was just as horny and obsessed as my girlfriend. I wanted to get laid again, like it had been months instead of days.

As you might expect, one concern overrode the other. And I got my answer sooner than I'd thought.

That night, as the family sat around the kitchen table eating dinner, the doorbell rang. Stupidly, I couldn't imagine who it might be and assumed it was probably someone wanting to talk to my sister.

My father was closest to the door, and he got up to answer it, letting out a heavy sigh that sounded more like a growl. A moment later, he came back to the table, his face quirked with questions.

"Jake," he said. Nothing more.

But that was all I needed. Like the missing piece of a crossword puzzle, that one word dropped into my head and suddenly all the missing pieces fell into place.

Look, I hadn't not told my parents about Krissy exactly. They were working, too, and our schedules never matched up. Besides, I was 20 years old -- I didn't need to vet every conquest with my elders. Mom and Dad knew I had a girlfriend, or at least that I was seeing someone. Who it was or what we did wasn't something I saw fit to share.

The look on my dad's face told me that maybe I should have been more forthcoming. But instead of taking one last swing at making things right, I decided that silence was the best policy. I nodded solemnly and got up, my chair squawking loudly on the floor.

Sure enough, my blonde girlfriend was standing at the door, looking sheepish. She had on a pink t-shirt and jeans. She tucked her hair behind her ear. I noticed her cheeks were reddening.

"Sorry," she said.

I heard a giggle and turned back. My younger sister was grinning my way, giving me a big thumbs up. My parents were doing that thing where they were having a whole conversation with each other, using only their eyes.

"I, um, was wondering. If you could. Maybe help me with something?" Krissy asked. The fact that she didn't have even a decent excuse was both exasperating and adorable.

"Hang on one sec," I said, then turned back to my family. "I'm heading out."

I hurried out the door before my parents could respond.

*

For those too young to remember, the Saturn brand of cars was associated with many things. It was the first car built with all vertical body panels molded in thermoplastics. The sedans looked a little sporty, but they only made about 100 horsepower or so -- not exactly a huge total, even in those days. In general, Saturns were seen as reliable, durable little cars.

What they were

not

known for, was as a good place to get laid. And I quickly found out why.

Krissy suggested we drive to the park, the hidden-ish one I'd taken her to way back in the early days before we'd done more than make out. It was a good idea: neither of our houses were an option and we needed a semi-private place to go.

When Krissy mentioned the park, I assumed she wanted to do it on one of the picnic tables. Picturing her pink, skinny body bared to the sky had me hard before I pulled out of my driveway. The weather was perfect: warm with just a little light leftover from the summer sun. But when we parked by the grass, Krissy didn't make a move to get out. And when I opened my own door, she grabbed my arm and shook her head. I'm sure it was an accident that she dug her nails into my skin.

Instead, we ended up in the backseat of that Saturn, clinging to each other in what little space we could make, our pants around our knees. It was a driven, desperate act. The two of us twisted around each other. Awkward and odd. Yet when I slid into Krissy's warm, wet wonderfulness, everything fell into place. We both gasped; the relief of warmth and succor in the cold, uncaring universe.

I hadn't done any of my usual tricks to warm Krissy up. With the position and her own body's response, we were barely able to accomplish the act of penetration. But it didn't matter. Whether it was the situation or simply the fact that we had abstained for a while, I can't be sure. But Krissy went off almost as soon as I entered her.