"Dammit! I don't know what I'm supposed to do!" came my friend Jeanie's sobs through my cell phone, " I mean...well, shit! It's not like I have any fucking money now, y'know?!"
"Wait a minute," I prompted, "Isn't today payday for you?"
"YES, dammit! So what? All of THAT money has to go toward last month's rent or else I'll be without an apartment instead of just without power!" She went on from there but began crying so much and at such a high pitch that I really couldn't understand a word until she settled back down with a shaky, "Oh, S...S...Stanley...What am I g...gonna do about the electric? They want all the past due PLUS a reconnection fee PLUS a deposit! I mean...(Sniff!) Help me, please!"
"Look, sweetheart," I said calmly, "four hundred bucks is more than I can handle right now. I mean...I know I said I'd help you out until you got back on your feet after that last job screwed you over but I meant a little gas money, some groceries... but four hundred dollars...y'know?"
"Yeah...Yeah, I know. What I DON'T know is what the fucking hell I'm supposed to do now!" she yelled into the phone. "Damn! It's all my own fault!" With that the tears began again.
As always, Jeanie was being her own worst enemy. She was 24 and had quit what should have been a perfectly good job recently after what she described as a temper tantrum only to end up working in a grocery store at about half the salary and fewer hours a week. The only plus for her in all that was that it was twenty miles closer to her apartment. That would of course be the apartment that was now completely in the dark as Jeanie's power had been cut off while she was at work due to lack of payments.
" Look," I started carefully, "I don't...I know I've come through for you before but I'm at a loss here, sweetie. You say your boyfriend's broke, your parents wouldn't help you in a million years and I'm...Hmmm..." Suddenly a strange thought hit me.
"What?" she asked with a hopeful turn to her voice. " What are you thinking?"
"Not yet. Not yet and it's a long shot to boot but..."
"Stanley, what is it?"
"Honey," I blurted out with a cautious excitement, "light some candles or just go to bed or something for now. I'll call you tomorrow and let you know if this'll work."
"Okay. I really doubt if I can get any sleep though."
"Well, try, okay? I gotta go!" With that I clicked off and darted for the mound of bills and junk mail I kept on the bookcase in the living room. I pulled the trashcan over and started frantically tossing out garbage until I finally found what I thought I'd seen before. My eyes strained to focus on the fine print on the back. Yes. Yes, this could work!
The next day she went on in to work and so did I but after work I made a quick stop before heading to her place. It was a little past dusk to be exact when I pulled into the parking lot at Jeanie's apartment complex. The closest spot I could find was on the opposite side of the quad from her place so after I got out I had to hoof it. All the way over, I had been rehearsing a dozen—no, a hundred ways to tell her. As I rang her up on my cell while I walked, my mind suddenly went blank.
"Hello?"
"Hey, babe. Uh...you home?"
"It's really dark in here," she said rather placidly.
"Ah, then obviously you ARE home! That's good!"
"Really, really dark...," she continued.
"I get that, okay? Now do me a favor and stick your head out the window long enough to toss me down your keys."
"You're here?"
"Yes, I'm here and I have some good news for you. I'm just coming up on your building. Toss me down your keys."
"Okay," she said as she clicked off. By that point I was standing directly underneath her third floor window. I heard her open it and started to say, "I'm right over h..." but before finishing the statement, her loaded to the gills keyring smashed me on the foot. "OWW!"
"Sorry, Stanley," came her usual apology from somewhere in the darkness above.
"It's okay, sweetheart. You're getting better. Missed my head all together this time and got me on the foot."
"Hey! That bump healed pretty quickly so I don't wanna hear it! Not my fault I throw like a girl. I AM a girl, dumbass!"
I shook my head as I retrieved the wayward keys. "Be right up."
Jeanie met me in the well-lit hallway after I bounded up the stairs. I stood panting and trying to catch my breath as she impatiently crossed her arms and frowned. "WHAT??" she finally yelled.
"Oh, come on, " I wheezed, "Gimme just one sec to breathe. I don't have as much enegy as I used to."
"Well, I don't have ANY energy, okay?! Stanley, I am freaking out here on SO many levels. If you came over here expecting me to be a gracious hostess, well...fuck you, okay?"
"Listen...Even better. Here." With that I reached into my pocket and handed her five crisp one hundred dollar bills."
"Ohmigosh!" she said slowly in genuine surprise. "I mean...what? How did you...? Is this for me? Can I keep it?"
"No," I mocked. By that time my breathing was back to normal. "It's counterfeit. Just pulling your chain. Of course it's real and yes it's for you sweetheart! Can we go in now?" She stepped aside and ushered me in through the door to her hot, candle-lit apartment as a big grin grew on her face.
After we were inside, she sniffed the bills, jumped up and down a few times and yelled, "Yay!!" Her eyes met mine and she said, "I can always count on you, Stanley. Thank you so much!"
" 'Twas nothing, m'lady. I remembered the Pony Express Loan Company had sent me an unsolicited check for a thousand bucks to be paid back 35 dollars a month. Hell, I can handle that and if we split the money it helps both of us right now...so after work, I deposited it in my account, then took out 500 for you."
"You took out a LOAN for me?" she questioned in absolute amazement.
"Well...for us but...well, yeah. Actually. Yeah." Then, totally off-the-cuff and unexpected, I said, "You owe me one HELL of a blowjob for this one, sweetie."