I'm like Paladin in the old West; "Have Gun, Will Travel." My "Gun" isn't a .45, however, but my quick wit and silver tongue. I'm a trial attorney - a true shark. The only difference between me and a Great White, however, is that I only represent people, small companies, or charitable organizations that I think are "good guys." No Exxon-Mobils or casino owners as clients for me.
My traveling from court to court in different parts of the country doesn't leave me much time for romance, so I take it where I can get it. I had never really met anyone who knocked my socks off though - at least not until Phoenix.
I had a product liability trial in Phoenix for a poor schlep who was working with a power tool that blew up on him, maiming and disfiguring him. I was loaded for bear when the trial started on Wednesday. We picked the jury quickly and got through opening statements before noon. My opening statement went so well that from their body language I could tell that two female jurors were ready to decide in my client's favor already. I put on two witnesses after lunch, both of whom testified flawlessly.
Thursday morning, however, when court convened the judge announced that defense counsel had a medical emergency and that we would have to recess the trial until Monday. I knew that defense counsel was pond scum (actually I'm insulting pond scum in saying that) and that he was feigning an emergency because he had been killed by my opening statement, but there was nothing I could do about it.
Now what to do until Monday? I was fully prepared and didn't need any more study, so I thought I'd try and have a good time. My client was really dull but I felt obligated to spend Thursday night with him and his family, but Friday through Sunday I would be on my own.
I didn't know what to do in Phoenix - it didn't quite have the nightlife of L. A., and I don't gamble in casinos so visiting one of the Indian gaming houses "wasn't in the cards" (I love my own puns even though no one else does), so during the day on Friday I handled matters at my office by phone and email, Friday night I boringly went to a movie, and Saturday afternoon to a Diamondbacks game.
Saturday night I wanted more action. Wandering the streets of downtown I came upon an interesting looking spot just a block from my hotel. It seemed to be a hybrid dance hall, comedy club, and bar. It had obviously just recently opened and was ginning up interest by having unusual promotions and contests. "Tonight - Marilyn Monroe Look/Act Alike Contest," a large, colorful, but obviously handwritten, sign proudly proclaimed. Bizarrely in small print under the "Contest" placard was "Charity 'Auction' Afterward!" Contestants got in free, a modest cover charge of $20 for all patrons.
I laughed as one of the erstwhile contestants who walked past me into the venue was clearly a transvestite almost as tall as I am (6' 5") in his heels, and who probably matched my 220 pounds. Thankfully, other contestants were just as obviously nice looking women.
I paid my cover, got a sarsaparilla (that's what the guy in the white hat always gets at a bar in Westerns), and proceeded to mingle with the crowd. Given the dress of the audience I felt uncomfortable in my suit jacket and slacks so I went back to the hotel, quickly changed into jeans and a "cowboy" shirt with my favorite special T-shirt underneath, and returned just as the contest was getting started.
The five judges were picked at random with raffle tickets given to each patron when he or she paid the cover charge. One of the guys picked was standing right next to me - I could see the called number on his ticket. He was already drunk, however, and didn't notice or seemingly care. I gave him $20 for his ticket and was soon seated at the judge's table right in front of the stage.
What a hoot! Most of the contestants exuded personality, or were just drunk enough to be funny. Except for the transvestite they were all credible candidates and had a number of Marilyn's famous quotes, expressions and body language down pat.
I rated about half of the contestants equally at the top; I was going to have a hard time coming up with a winner, and from my kibitzing with the other judges (two guys, two gals) they were going to have a difficult time too. Then the second to last contestant was up, a petite woman who I quickly dubbed "Pocket Marilyn."
Pocket Marilyn was too short to be the real thing - probably only 5'2" even in four inch heels, maybe 110 pounds. But boy did she have the look down - and the chest and hip movements, and other body language, to go along with it. The entire crowd was mesmerized and quiet - except for an occasional laudatory "whoop" - as Pocket Marilyn sang "Bye Bye Baby" from the movie "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes." Many were convinced that she was the reincarnation of the "Blond Bombshell" herself.
Then the coup de grace; as Pocket Marilyn was sashaying off the stage an "assistant" turned on a floor fan, perfectly re-enacting the "upskirt scene" from "The Seven Year Itch," complete with Marilyn's exact facial expression and hand placement. Not only was the scene authentic, it revealed Pocket Marilyn's exquisite thighs!
I would have hated to be the last contestant following that performance. The last performer did seem to be intimidated, and relieved when her time was up. It took us five judges only about one minute to come to a unanimous decision on the winner - "Pocket Marilyn!"
As Pocket Marilyn graciously accepted her trophy and gift certificate I was thinking to myself "How can I get to make an up-close inspection of those glorious thighs" when the next phase of the activities started; the almost unnoticed - at least by me - charity "auction." It wasn't really an auction, but another contest. A $1000 donation to a local boys and girls club would get you the possibility of a date with the winner. Surprisingly the winner didn't really call herself "Pocket Marilyn" but did go by the obvious pseudonym "Mare Dee."
To pony up my $1000 I drew my credit card as fast any gunslinger had ever drawn his Colt, but three other guys were almost as fast. It was announced that Mare Dee would have a maximum five minute "interview" with each of the four of us to see who won the date, as the representative of the boys and girls club hugged Mare Dee, thrilled with the $4000 she acquired for the club. Being the good trial attorney that I am I knew that going last was a great advantage in making a "closing statement," especially since I had already made eye contact with Mare Dee during her performance. So I finagled the last "interview."
From a distance, and out-of-sight, I carefully monitored Mare Dee's reaction to the other three guys as each sat in turn with her at a table, drinking and chatting. Not really known for my humility I surmised that I was better looking than the other three, and certainly in the best physical condition, although I was somewhat concerned that they were all younger than I was. They were also all much shorter than I am; I had already identified as my main potential pitfall that I might be too tall for "Pocket Marilyn's" tastes.
With the information I was able to gather from observing body language in the other interviews, from the eye contact Mare Dee and I had made during her performance, from the personality she exhibited when on stage, and from her reaction to winning, I felt confident when it was my turn.
"Hi, Marilyn, I'm Blake," I smiled as I held her tiny hand between both of my meat hooks and gently squeezed. "That upskirt scene from the passing subway is one of my favorites in movie history although to be honest except for you being in it I thought that The Seven Year Itch was boring."
"Say, Blake, you do realize I'm not really Marilyn don't you?" Mare Dee laughed.
"What?" I said in mock disbelief. "How can I get my money back?"
"Too late," she giggled, "although I can assure you that in her present condition the real Marilyn is probably too skinny for you."
Mare Dee and I had a wonderfully flirtatious talk, as I grew more confident by the minute. I thought I had the inside track but wasn't positive, so I decided to pull out all stops and "go for it." Just as the five minutes was up I said:
"I want you to know that if you choose me and we end up really liking each other that you'll have more fun with me - because..."
With that I literally popped the buttons on my shirt as I ripped it open revealing the saying on my T-shirt "Attorneys have Better Motions!"