Things were starting to get a bit blurry, the lines between real and my vivid dreams were seriously starting to mess with me. I don't dream often, or at least not that I remember, the exception being my erotic dreams - always a treat when an orgasm wakes me up. Though, never in these dreams are my lovers anyone I've ever recognized, just happy little ephemeral sprites dropping in for some fun - that is, until recently.
I've never been one for breezy crushes. Truth be told, I'm a bit of a misanthrope, so it takes a lot to get my pulse racing. Something needs to catch my deeper interest. & right now, I feel caught. The first time it happened I woke up groggy and freaked out. Like I said, I never, ever recognize anyone in my dreams. My immediate reactions was - too close for comfort, I need some distance to (literally) get him out of my head. Easier said than done.
He'd always been in my peripheral. I'd been listening to his music for years but didn't know him well. For me it's too weird to get to know people whose art proceeds them, especially if their work means something to me. I don't like to confuse art with life - or chance ruining the art I love. He circled in and out of our mutual friend gatherings and I always let there be space between us, up until about a half a year ago, after he moved in with my best friend Lucy and her brother. It became harder to be aloof without it being insulting or confirming the extremes of my social awkwardness. Soon though, in casual clipped conversations between him coming and going he asked why I'd never seen him play. My excuses were valid(ish), ships in the night, I'd never been in town at the same time his band happened to have a show, other commitments, and such.
About a month after that I got a text from him.
- Lucy gave me your number. Tour date set for end of month at Bowery. You're guest list, in case you want to come. -
I always get a fluttering in my stomach before a show. Music is something I'll always be viscerally excited about, but this time it bordered on anxious nausea. Good thing my friends and a few drinks were waiting to mellow my mood, though I think this was the moment when things blurred. Seeing an artist in their element will never not be a supreme turn on. Maybe this is why I avoided seeing him play. It only made me want to be away from him even more, because it drew me in in a way that was beyond my controlling it and I was not ready for those feels. The next night is when he showed up in my devilishly sexy nighttime visions. My deja vu soon started ramping up any time I was near him, I knew something would happen - most likely I'd embarrass myself somehow - if I didn't make myself scarce.
///
"Heard this one yet?"
I crank up the volume and my head starts to buzz. Lucy nods to the bass line and gives me a massive smile and a thumbs up at the breakdown. We're sitting in the rigged together soundproofed room a bunch of us pitched in on so we can jam without the neighbors plotting eviction-worthy complaints. Apparently it's not quite living up to its task and needs some fine tuning as Jude pops his head in -
"Ladies. It's loud."
- is what I think he says, but the music is, in fact, so loud I can just see his lips silently move as he shoots us both a raised eyebrow in mock scolding. It makes my insides quake. Lucy shoo's him away with her hand but he just shakes his head 'no,' so I kill it.
"Pretty sure I could feel the floor shaking. Otherwise we just had an earthquake."
"I vote the second."
"If only, because then the text I got from Sara downstairs could be argued with."
"Fuck her," Lucy breaks in.
"To be fair, you've been trying. Maybe we should line the floor with mattresses, it'll serve duel purposes if you can get her up here to seduce her with the idea the music is her friend while showing our solution."
Lucy smiles and announces she'll go smooth it over. Jude salutes her on her way out. My deja vu kicks in as he places his head to the edge of the door to look at me. Then I remember my very lucid dream. He's sitting in the corner of the couch Lucy just hopped off of, and I'm naked. I feel a lump form in my throat and I get nervous. I get spectacularly weird when I get nervous.
"Share with the class."
"What?" I'm snapped out of my dazed remembering.
"The new music, rude." Jude swirls a tumbler in his hand and takes a gulp of whatever brown liquid tempted him this afternoon.
"Trade you." I hold out my hand towards his glass.
Taking a deep drink, the warmth starts to subdue that electric energy that builds in me whenever he's around. He drops himself onto the corner of the couch and I take another quick sip.
"Hey, I can get you your own," he laughs, "but first," he points at the speaker," - a few thousand decibels lower. Sara used some choice language in her text."
"This band doesn't really work at low volume."
"Ok, what else you got?"
I smile and click on The Moon and Antarctica.
"Holy fuck it's been foreverrrrrr -"
"Sacrilege! This should be on heavy rotation." Another sip and I see he's signaling for the glass back. I have to stand to bring it to him, but my feet know what my head knows and the nervousness surges again.
"Come hang," he coaxes when I don't immediately move.
Goddamnit. I hold out the glass and he grabs my arm and pulls me down next to him. God, damnit. He's going to notice I can't keep my chill around him anymore. Not after what he did to me in my dream. I feel a little shudder go through me at the thought, and a very specific aching need in a very specific spot.
"So tell me what's been new with you, you haven't come over in a bit."
"Nothing much, Lucy was out of town on tour so -"
"So what?"
Caught off guard with his tone I turn to look him straight in the face. With how close we are, it feels inevitable, but I pause. He doesn't.
The jolt that goes through me when our lips connect is followed by my muscles surrendering to melting into him. I feel myself start to ache more and panic intensely, I'm entirely too turned on, my dream is flashing across my mind, confusing things. I pull away.
"Lucy's headed out of town again in a few days, figured I needed to let you know you should come by even if she's not around."
I can feel my pulse racing, deja vu is hitting me in waves as he looks at me waiting for my response. I take the glass from his hand, down it, and place it on the floor without saying a word. I feel his hand reach for my waist and pull me back in to him.
"I have to admit something."
"Yeah? What's that." He doesn't seem phased in the least that needing to admit something generally means things are going to get awkward or even bad. The sincere look in his eye doesn't help with how gone on him I am.
"I've had these really weirdly strong feelings for you for a while, they've been fucking with me, and right now I'm so turned on I don't really trust myself to be able to handle this situation without doing something that could come off as supremely slutty - from general society's, and possibly your, perspective. Not mine. I make no apologies for... I should probably stop talking now. And head out." I move to get up but he catches my wrist.
"For the record, I don't believe in 'slutty.' That's just some made up shaming bullshit, unless you're using it as a kink, and a judgement I've learned to never pass. Second, I can't stop thinking about you either. I've been careening between insanely inspired and fearing nothing I play sounds good enough when I think about you hearing it, and it's been driving me mad."
"Pretty convenient thoughts on sluttiness in this moment, wouldn't you say?"
"Did you miss the part where I admitted you're driving me out of my mind? And If you're a hoe, I'm a hoe - don't forget I'm here too."
He leans in for another kiss and I taste the scotch on his tongue, the fire of his breath.
"Seems like we both have something we need to get out of our system."
"That sounds like you just want to use me, for whatever purposes your dirty mind has conjured, and then send me on my way. You should know I'm not that kind of girl," he cheekily offers.
"Well then, I actually should go because I do have some particular ideas - inspirations of my own, really - about what I'd like to do to you." I give him a knowing look and something shifts.
His hands tighten around my waist before he pulls me astride his lap. The energy built up between us hits a breaking point and things get real heavy, real quick. It's like everything slows down. A current of need pulses between us.
I tangle my hands in his hair and press my thighs down hard onto him as we kiss deeply. I can feel his firmness pressed against my leg through his pants. I know exactly what I'm going to do to him. Pulling my face away from his I bite down on my finger with insanely horny indecision. Jude pulls my hand away and pushes his own thumb into my mouth.
