In truth, I'm not sure if there is a suitable home for this, so without shame I've put it in LW for maximum exposure. If this grinds your gears - tough shit. I don't care. If the powers that be want it elsewhere that is their right.
The night I found out was at a works outing for a dinner, I don't know why I did it, I had a few drinks but I certainly wasn't drunk but work it did. What did? Read on.
I was a bit of a joker and mostly I got a free pass when maybe others would be pulled up for loose talk like this, let's be honest, inappropriate talk. My end of the large table was mostly populated by the younger mainly single crowd, thing was I wasn't single, neither was I that young but I was, it seemed, everyone's friend, I had no enemies in the workplace, not even a sign of hostility from any of the guys, even when I was supervising their efforts. I thought I was pretty easy to work with and for, although I wasn't one of the big bosses.
We were a medium sized insurance office, 18 of us in total, 5 or 6 married, including me. I'm Gerry, Gerry Mandering, yes, I know, my father thought it was funny!
Now in my thirties I've long since found it an old joke, a very old very tired joke. I have a wife and two teenage kids. Since our second reached double figures our sex life has stalled. When I say stalled, imagine a WWII story and a plane hit by enemy fire, it goes into a tailspin, smoke billowing from all over and it heads to the ground at frightening speed. So yeah, like that plane my sex life was going down in flames, twice a month if I was lucky and me a horny bastard in his late thirties.
I'll be honest, I wasn't whiter than white but I hadn't really had an affair of an real consequence or long term. I had had a few dalliances, mainly with coworkers but not all properly consummated, some merely a bit of kissing and groping, some oral, either or both ways but one previous dalliance 6 years previously where I had fucked a beauty who was a really horny girl who seemed attracted to me. Indeed and to my surprise at the time it was her who came on to me, one day when were in a storeroom she asked if I thought her tits were getting any bigger.
Well, as they say, I was born at night, but it wasn't last night and if ever there was an invitation to check her tits out, that was it. We flirted a while around things over the next few days and then managed to 'work late' together a couple of times, the first time I ate her cunt and told her she was delicious, "the tastiest cunt I've ever eaten". You see, I'm a smooth talker, right?!!! Anyway, she enjoyed my tongue but then asked nicely for my cock and who am I to turn down a lady in need. She was a good if unspectacular fuck. She was about 15 years younger than me, just 18 at the time and seemed like she should have been wearing L plates. What she lacked in skills, she made up for it in enthusiasm but I ended things after going back to that well three times.
I knew the danger to my marriage that an ongoing affair would bring in a small city so managed to restrain my wishes to fuck Patricia blind and the truth is, while I may be a bastard, truly I do love my wife and kids. I just found it hard to turn down something that good offered on a plate, no effort required, I couldn't believe my luck. That was the only time there was ever anything other than a one-off.
So, "inappropriate talk", yeah, that happened maybe another 5 years later after Patricia.
Apropos of nothing I announced to the largely inebriated table of colleagues, "my favourite word is cunt". One or two laughed, a few smirked waiting for the punchline, a couple looked away and tutted, one single lady of mature vintage looked as if someone had farted in her soup, her nose and mouth quivering in distain.
It was the very sexy 22 year-old Claire who asked the perfect "straight man" question. "What do you like so much about cunt?"
There was something of relish in the way she pronounced 'cunt' and the fact that she didn't say 'about the word cunt' just, 'about cunt', as if she was shared my favourite word and the smiling, half smirk on her face said a lot.
It was as if Christmas and my birthday had aligned, the best-looking woman at the table asking me what I liked about cunt. Claire was partly of native American descent, her colouring was remarkably attractive, with her dark brown eyes and deep brown, verging on black hair, her pretty features a smorgasbord of the various backgrounds of her antecedents from cultures as diverse as blonde Scandinavians, Native Americans, allied to some Scottish & Irish roots.
Apart from her looks, I knew she had traits there of Scandi bluntness, Native American forthrightness, Scottish bleak & blunt humour and a smattering of Irish charm.
Without once taking my eyes from hers, and thinking to open with a light-hearted example, I said, "Well Claire, there are so many things I like about cunt. First and foremost, it is my very favourite thing to eat, nothing like a tasty wet cunt to eat." She got a twinkle in her eyes, maintained contact with her smiling eyes and asked what else I loved about cunt.
"Well, you know James who works in our rivals office three doors down the High Steet? Cunt is a perfect descriptor for that tubby little smug... cunt. So, you see there is the classic illustration of diverse nature of a wonderfully useful word, something equally useful for describing one of life's great pleasures and also perfectly describing a horrible bastard whose face you'd never tire of punching, given half a chance and a reasonably lawful excuse.
"Anything else you like about cunt?" Claire persisted with an increasingly encouraging smile. She was enjoying the conversation as much as I was. Breaking eye contact briefly, I noticed most of the rest of the table were paying rapt attention too, even those who had looked appalled were now enthralled.
"Well of course being a horny male who doesn't get nearly enough sex, I love to sink my big cock into a cunt, but there is so much more, I love the smell of cunt, the feel of it when its hot and wet, the whole sexual thing. Sometimes Claire I'm so jealous of someone like you."
"And why would that be?" Claire said with the broadest smirk, encouraging me to go further.
"Because Claire, I suspect that you have a very beautiful cunt, one that I'd never tire of pleasing, so I'm jealous because I think that if I'm right and your cunt is as beautiful as I suspect that if I were you I'd never leave the house in the morning, I'd be too busy pleasuring my cunt, morning, noon and night."
Claire and several more at the table threw back their heads and roared with laughter.
And that was the end of that discussion, so what had I discovered?
