Not Too Late

I awoke slowly and gradually my senses began to perceive the things around me. The bed I was in had a color co-ordinated comforter which matched the drapes and knick-knacks which were tastefully displayed on the walls. It was a woman's bedroom. . . a woman of taste! Beside me in the bed, Tammy lay asleep, on her stomach, with the comforter pulled up over her shoulders so that only a bit of the side of her face under her coal black hair was exposed. A ray of sunlight came through the window of the modern, log home to brighten her face. Underneath the cover her body lay completely nude . . .exposed to me. . .

My splitting headache was not from alcohol or drugs. . .or tobacco! Or even late hours for that matter! Rather it was from a recent life threatening experience with a virus that had felled me far in the back country and left me dehydrated and feverish. I did not remember being delivered to the rural clinic in Northern Idaho; nor, did I remember the efforts to bring me back to life. During the night, after I had been taken to the clinic, I awoke to a feeling of nausea and a splitting headache and found myself in hospital a bed. When Tammy came into the room I saw a 40-year old woman in hospital garb. . .totally sexless, with grey, steel rim glasses and eyes that might best be described as dull. Sick as I was, I was quick to note her condition.

It soon became apparent; however, that she was a capable nurse, anticipating my every need. Since I was the only overnight patient, she cared for me frequently. When I wanted to go to the bathroom she assisted me to the seat and allowed me to sit; then, helped me back to the bed. Caring and professional as she was, it was apparent that there was no feeling in what she did. . . .in fact, there didn't seem to be any feeling in anything she did. By morning, when she went off shift, I had looked into her eyes and observed nothing. She could have been dead and her feelings, if she had any, were carefully hidden.

During the day, I slept and began to recover from my condition. My senses had cleared and the headache had been mitigated with pain relievers. I ate a big dinner and slept well. By 11:30 p.m. I was wide awake and when Tammy came into the room I was not particularly impressed. Other women might have aroused my interest but Tammy held no interest. . . .We talked, man-to-man, so to speak. I told her about my problems on the mountain and about the messy divorce and bankruptcy that had taken me there. Long after I knew I should have shut my mouth I continued to talk. I was at the bottom of a long, downhill life and now I was at rock bottom. . . ."Shut your stupid mouth," I said silently to myself.

I felt my eyes go glassy and tried not to cry. . . ."Shoot," I said and cried anyway. It was about then that I felt a hand on mine, softly holding it and offering comfort. Damn, she was a good nurse. . . .I could swear that the was showing real feeling!

By morning, when Tammy went off shift, we had formed a bond. She listened to me and responded with reflective and directive questions that kept me talking for hours. She was good. . . . .

The next night I was waiting for her to arrive and determined that she was going to tell me a bit about herself. It might not be easy but I was sure that I could bring out her feelings and her past. Besides, there was not much else to do in this clinic. This night there were two other patients in the clinic and Tammy attended to them first before she came to me.

Tammy was born in a dirty, unheated bedroom of a Northern California commune. Her mother was a weak and easily controlled drug addict who was forced to work long hours and address the sexual needs of various male members of the commune. In return she received food, shelter and drugs to feed her habit. Tammy had been an accident. That she lived at all was not a tribute to her post natal care. . .there was none.

Growing up in the commune, she slept where she could and when she could. . . .often in the same room as her mother while her mother engaged in sexual activity. When she was old enough she went to school and had her first chance to see how other children interacted with each other. For the first time she saw love, respect, caring, and the good life. Tammy watched and learned well. Her grades were excellent and she received encouragement from her teachers. She had no friends and avoided any possibility of a relationship out of fear. . . .

Shortly after she turned sixteen, Tammy was accosted by one of the male members of the commune and raped. While her virginity was taken from her she knew that struggle would be futile so she lay quietly and cried as this man she thoroughly despised poured his semen into her. When it was over she refused his offer of drugs to calm her feelings and did what she could to keep from getting pregnant. Once a week, for the next year and a half, she submitted to the men of the commune. . .men she despised! men she hated! Then, the day after her high school graduation, she packed her extra pair of shorts and underwear, in fact all her earthly belongings, into a shopping bag and walked away from the only home she'd ever known.

Life had not been easy at first. She worked in a fast food facility, putting in as many hours as she could and saving her money. She worked at menial jobs while she learned to interact with people. She studied the people around her. Still, she avoided people and relationships and they avoided her. Her emotions remained hidden deep inside where they could not be exposed to the view of others. She learned to live totally alone. . . .not happy but most likely content with her life.

Finally, at the age of 34 she had earned a certification as a nurse practitioner and moved to northern Idaho where she might live alone and friendless without having to explain her situation to others. Financially successful and accepted into the rural community, Tammy had leisure time to look at her life and wonder what might have been. She concentrated on her work and determined to get satisfaction out of that. She had long since forgiven the men of the commune and what they had done to her. . . . .forgiven but not forgotten! Men did not figure into her life and as she neared the age when she might never bear children she began to wonder. . .she seldom masturbated, preferring to keep those sexual urges buried away from her conscious mind.

By morning of that next night in the hospital, I knew all of that. She had spent much of the night as I had the night before with me probing and her talking. We didn't know it yet but we had developed a strong bond between us. Also, on that morning, I was healthy again. . . .but not healthy enough to travel or be alone. even if I had been, I had no place to go and no money to go there with.

It was then that another staff nurse suggested that I might stay in Tammy's nursing home. . .something that was not an uncommon occurrence. Much as I might love to stay there, I had no money and could not ask for charity. "Come on out to my place and stay for a while," Tammy said. I did.

As she showed me to my room I saw only her professional manner. . .cold, distant and devoid of all feeling! Her eyes were dull and the closeness of the night before was gone. I spent the day getting back to a routine as Tammy slept. I avoided sleep so that I might return to sleeping at night. Meals were eaten while we engaged in small talk. . .. I stayed out of bed until Tammy left for work to encourage my old sleep patterns. Later, in bed, sleep did not come and I tossed and turned until early morning. At 7:30 a.m. I got up and made coffee with bacon, eggs, toast and juice in anticipation of Tammy's return from work.

Promptly at 8:10 a.m. she came through the door and immediately sat down to her breakfast. She was impersonal as ever. After breakfast she went immediately to bed and left me to myself. By 5:30 p.m. she had gotten her required sleep for the day and came out of her bedroom freshly bathed and fully dressed.

We prepared a delicious dinner in silence and ate it much the same way. After the dishes were cleared we were free for the evening and sat down to watch television. The rather inane movie that we settled on, mostly because it was on the channel that was tuned in when the set came on, was loaded with half naked women and sexual innuendo. . .I was fascinated and made no attempt to change the channel. Later, another romance drama came on and we half watched and half talked to each other.

By midnight, I was ready to retire and started to make preparations when Tammy took my hand. "Be gentle with me, there's a lot I don't know." she said. As I contemplated the gravity of that remark she continued, "Teach me to be a woman." Until that moment I had never thought of her in those terms. . . . Now!

In her eyes I now saw a new Tammy for the first time. . . .a person filled with fear, distrust and a passion that had been heretofore been unapparent! A person who was pleading with me. . . . .

We went to her room holding hands and I felt hers shake. I did not take her; rather, I played with her. I kissed her and caressed her; then, encouraged her to return the favor. As I nestled my lips into the back of her neck, under her hair I felt her first tremor of passion. We slowly undressed, caressed and fondled each other but never going beyond where she was comfortable.

As we went through those 'preliminaries' I was acutely aware of my responsibilities in the relationship. She had asked me to be gentle. ..to show her! This would be her night. . . . I owed her that!

As the evening unfolded and I sought only to make our sexual contact most pleasant for Tammy I began to discover that it was doing things for me. Soon I became highly aroused and it was difficult to determine if I was the student or the teacher. I enjoyed having the time to explore my feelings and to encourage hers. As I explored her body for the first time I became aware of certain likes and dislikes. . . .With each touch I not only stimulated the lady but became more skillful at touching as well. With each promise made and each promise kept we built a trust which allowed us more freedom with each other. The slow process made the first taste of intimacy so passionate, . . .so pleasant, and so new that our minds turned as one to pursue it further.

When I had touched and caressed most of her now exposed body we were both eager for the touch of her breasts. Then when I kissed them she said, "Oh yes!" and by that simple statement drove me to a frenzy. I quickly moved kissing down her belly and down her inner thigh and to the toes. On the return trip up the leg, along the inner thigh I met with bit of resistance from her hands and I responded with, "Please, I want to." Her hands and arms relaxed and I kissed her labia lightly at first. Then her hands and arms made an effort at resistance. I continued my quest slowly, licking, caressing and kissing finally landing on her waiting clitoris. The resistance quickly abated and very slowly her hands touched the back of my head to encourage me. Soon, she reacted to my ministrations like any other passionate woman. I like any other lusty man. When it was her turn to stimulate me with oral sex she hesitated and I did not encourage her further. . .that could come later! Instead, I continued my kissing and fondling.

Suddenly I felt her move and draw me over the top of her. . . ."Do it to me," she said. I resisted. "Are you sure?," I asked as I inserted a finger into her well lubricated count. Her eyes had come alive for the first time since I had known her and she glowed with a passion that I had never seen before. Then it was two fingers and and I moved over her to position myself for the coital act.

When I entered her I moved slowly, savouring the first penetration. . .allowing her lubrication to coat my tool as it entered. Once fully embedded we kissed and played for a bit; then, I withdrew and reinserted my penis in a manner that soon developed into a rhythm. As I entered her, I felt her rise off the bed to meet the thrust. There was on hurry as we enjoyed each other and we titalated and played as we slowly fucked. . . .that is, until she felt her orgasm begin to develop. Then the action reached a crescendo as she played out her feelings. . . .for the first time in her life!

After another crescendo, and then a third for her, I had reached the limit of my endurance and we came with an emotion so strong it could not be described. We were as close as two people can get, joined at the heart, at the mind and at the groin as I went limp.

Later, after much loving attention my tool was again erect and Tammy moved to make maximum use of it. We fucked again, with only the minimum preliminaties as we sought satisfaction in each other. It was easier this time as we engaged in our physical activity with the experience gleaned from our earlier activity. Instead of the unbridled passion we sought earlier, we sought comfort in each other and it was in each other's arms that we passed the night.

And so it was that I sat on the edge of the bed and looked down on Tammy. . . .beautiful the sunbeam on her face. As I eached her sleep she slowly began to awaken. First a slight stirring; then, an awareness of the world around her. She moved slowly and looked up at me with the languid expression of a cat awakend from a nap in the sunlight. "Hi," she said quietly.

"Hi yourself," I said in return. It was then that I saw a slight twitching of her lips. . . .certainly not a big, broad smile but a beginning..

Perhaps this was our beginning!