When we get to my building the elevator is waiting open, a few people already inside. We step inside and the doors close. I instinctively put my arm back through hers and she doesn't resist. In fact, she squeezes my arm close. I'm afraid if I look over at her I'll not be able to keep from kissing her. It seems to take forever to get to my floor. I think we stopped on every floor on the way.
Jill and I disentangle our arms so I can dig out the keys from my oversized bag. She walks in front of me and tosses her bag on the sofa before settling on one of the bar stools that faces the kitchen. The sun shines on just that spot, so she's illuminated from the side. It almost looks like she's wearing half a halo around her pretty blond curls. There's nothing angelic about the thoughts running around in my mind, chasing after her, though. I'd better get my attention back to the task at hand. I don't want to end my day with a trip to the ER. How did this happen? Well, I was cutting up fruit and thinking about what I could do with it that would make it taste even better like eating a big juicy berry out of my friend's navel, licking sweet sticky juice off her skin, and the next thing I knew, I was bleeding. If Jill accompanied me to the hospital, the doctor wouldn't be able to help but understand.
"So, have you heard anything more from your new friend, what was his name?" Jill asks.
She is picking at the blueberries in the bowl I had put out for out salad. The dark blue juice stains her fingertips, and as she sucks it off I feel a twinge in my belly. I look down at the pineapple I'm cutting, paying special attention to the sharp brown ends to avoid tossing them in with the fruit.
"Oh, there was an email this morning, but I haven't answered," I try to answer nonchalantly as she poses the question.
I know Jill won't miss the hit of excitement in my voice. That's what best friends are for; to read between the lines and find the good stuff. Jill never misses a thing.
"You're still worried about Dave, aren't you?" she asks. "Have you considered telling him? It might lead to some heat where you least expect it," she smiles slyly as she says this, almost like she knows something I don't.
I laugh out loud. "Oh, hey honey, guess what I did today? I had a little email exchange with a complete stranger and now I am so hot for you I can't stand it! Get naked and get over here right now!"
"What's the difference than say, having a little flirtatious encounter with a stranger on the subway? Or a knowing smile shared with a stranger when you both admire a sexy guy walk by? Just because it was online flirting doesn't make it any worse, does it? Do you really think Dave doesn't flirt with strangers? " she asks.
She is most certainly right about Dave. He never crosses any lines, but he usually has some playful jab for Jill when she was around, and they occasionally share a short embrace, even a kiss with me standing right there. It never bothers me; they are so out in the open with any affection it is impossible to imagine them sneaking around for more. Yet here I am, contemplating much more than a kiss between friends. Is it all that different that it is a woman instead of a man? But wasn't I having those very same thoughts about Michael, too? And Mitch, my anonymous email man?
"You make it sound so normal, justifiable, Jill," I answer.
I set the bowl between us and hand her a fork. We eat in silence for a few moments while I consider Jill's opinion. Maybe brought up at the right time, in the right way, it could lead to that heat Jill mentioned. If I told Dave how much it turned me on to be so close to Michael while he showed me what to do, then how my shower with Jill had warmed me up even more, how would he react? Yeah, maybe I could mention that to Jill too, and see where that went.
"I'm not trying to cause trouble for you and Dave, I'm just saying sometimes a little teasing can lead to good things," she put her hand on my knee when she said this.
I sit here for a moment, just enjoying her simple touch. Is she giving me some friendly reassurance, or is she inviting me to tease her back? It's hard to tell, with all of my emotions in overdrive. The last two days with her have me thinking things I never would have guessed would turn me on before. My nipples tingled and my thighs ached. That could be from the work outs, but I know better. I am having incredibly lascivious thoughts about my beautiful friend, here in my kitchen, over the remnants of lunch. I feel like I'm back in junior high all over again, pining for the quarterback of the football team, only this time, I want the pretty head cheerleader instead.
Jill keeps her hand on my knee until I stand to clear our bowls. I hand her a bottle of water and motion to the sofa. "Sit and enjoy the sun with me for a little while, before Dave and Alex get home?" I ask, hoping she will agree. I want to keep her talking, see if she is feeling what I am, or if I am just projecting my new found interest in her direction because she is close. I didn't have any plans to make a move on her; I would never be so brazen. I do, however, want to be near her. I hope she feels the same way, right or wrong.
The sunlight plays on her features and gives her a glow. There is a lot of room on the big sofa, but we gravitate to one end and sit close enough for our thighs to touch lightly. Jill puts a her hand on my knee and leans her head on my shoulder. I can smell her hair so close to me, tickling my nose with a few errant strands. I may not feel brave enough to make my desires known, but I am feeling brave enough to ask a few less pointed questions.
"You don't have to answer, and maybe it's none of my business, but have you ever, you know, been with, a woman?" I ask, doing my best to sound nonchalant, like this is a question I ask all my friends.
Jill raises her head off my shoulder, and for a moment I think I've gone too far. But she smiles and rubs my thigh softly. I look down at her hand, and fight the urge to put mine over it, squeeze her fingers, pull them to my lips. But I want to hear what she says more than I am ready to make a move like that. If it is something she has already experienced, maybe if I asked her to be my first, she would. Unless the whole thing about Dave would make her uncomfortable. I think it might be awkward enough without knowing they had been intimate.
"You know I'll share anything with you, Helena. You're my best friend," she smiles as she turns her body to face me. "I've been with a few women, though I don't think I'm a lesbian, or even really bi. I just like the feel of a woman sometimes, they are softer, gentler, more in tune with me, I think," she says, like we are talking about nothing more intimate than the weather.
"What about you Helena?" she asks. "Have you ever made love to a woman?"
That is Jill, never afraid to ask or say what was on her mind. It had taken me two days to work up the nerve to ask her what she just asked me. I haven't been with more men than I could count on one hand, and have certainly never been with a woman. I hadn't even really thought about it until yesterday in the shower. But something made me start thinking about Jill in a different way, wanting to touch and taste her in ways I never thought I would want to do. Was it the atmosphere of the gym wreaking havoc on my sensibilities? Between Jill and Michael, I am feeling all sorts of things I'd never felt before. Dave is my all, my better half, my solid rock. Yet there is something hot, wild, very unlike me driving me to want to explore more.
"No, I've never been that brave, I guess, to approach a woman. I've never even been that comfortable approaching a man. Dave's the one with moves here," I laugh, thinking Jill already knew all of Dave's moves, at least the ones he had used on her, before me.
I've never felt any jealousy over Jill and Dave having been an item, and it didn't feel exactly like that now. It is more a sense that I want what he has already experienced with her. Or maybe it is just my middle aged hormones running amok. Whatever it is, it has me wanting to touch her and kiss her and do all sorts of things to her I had never imagined before. I think I am actually more jealous of the women she has been with than Dave at the moment. I want to experience her like those other women had. Would she think I was crazy if I admitted that to her?
"Would you like to, sometime, do you think?" Jill asks, her expression not changing, just asking a question in her usual frank way? Or was she offering?
"I don't know what Dave would think," I answer, her after running the possibility of making love to her through my mind.
Again. I have already thought about it a few times in the last couple of days. I wonder if now is the time to share. I don't want to risk my friendship with Jill anymore than I want to risk breaking Dave's trust. I'm not 100% sure how either of them would respond. I think it might be better to start with Dave. That didn't mean I couldn't ask her some more questions, or that I couldn't snuggle up a little closer to her while she talks. Her scent beckoned me, come on, just a sniff, that's not going to hurt anyone. I did lean a little nearer and breathe in slowly. I hope she didn't notice, or at least didn't take offense.
"When was the last time you were, um, well, intimate, with another woman?" I ask tentatively.
"It's been oh, six, seven months ago," she answers, her voice as even as if we were discussing recipes or something else as mundane.
"I suppose you wouldn't mind a few more details?" she smiled and licked her lips lightly.
