Musings

Every story I have ever written is true, at least they are at the moment the hands touch the keys. I know they are, they are written by those who live them. They all live inside me.

Do my hands even touch the keys? Sometimes they don't, yet the words flow out of whoever I am at the moment. I flood the screen with drivel, tears streaming down my face, fear gripping me, or joy as I revel in success.

The words let me run, fly, love again. I am as strong, desirable, or as cruel as I wish to be.

I often sit with tears washing my face, trying to describe the feelings of pain and inadequacy inside me.

Sometimes the words describe the sensations of need that flashes across my breasts, down to my loins as I try to speak of...what? Sex? A need for a strong man to love me? I am so unsure, I am only female when she makes me be.

Then I am strong, my powerful upper body intimidates any who would glance my way. I abuse myself with weights, lifting, pounding, nothing else to do. In an instant, the words convert me.

All I have are the words.

{I am huge, my arms and shoulders monstrous with power. Women love me, fall at my feet and reach for me with unbridled lust. I usually do not resist, I just allow. I get my choosing.}

My nurse lifts my broken body carefully, she bathes the areas I cannot touch. I try to look down her blouse as she bends to attend to me, the thought of an illicit peek making my breath come in short gasps.

{She knows I am looking, allows it, the upper swell of her fine mammaries exposed to my gaze. She makes no attempt to hide them, obviously she is enjoying my attention. I come erect, my large member rigid in her hands as she bathes me. She smiles, reaches for me, holding me, staring at me in awe.}

I look down as she changes the tubing to my penis, slips the drape back over my genitals. The clear plastic bottle is dumped and washed, hooked back up. I am once again shriveled, limp.

"Coffee today?" she smiles at me. Always that smile. Yet I see the sadness in her eyes when she thinks I am not looking.

{My hands reach out and close around her throat, how dare she look down on me? I can speak, I just don't want to, have no need to! Can't she understand that?}

I nod, staring out the window at the cold rain and wind.

I hate the rain.

Ready for another day, I touch the button on my chair and turn back to the screen.

The words begin to flow again.

{My class sits attentive as I demonstrate the touch that brings comfort to the female body lying on the table before me.

So young, so very beautiful. My talented hands allow the drape to fold over her soft unblemished skin, creating a semblence of modesty, professional respectfulness. My class watches closely as I turn my back to them, lift the sheet to allow her to turn over. I know they are watching me, impressed by the sheer power of my huge chest and shoulders, amazed that a man so strong can be so gentle.

Aware they all can see her outline, I hold up the drape longer than necessary. The drape is thin. They lean forward to look, I allow the material to settle back. I begin anew, my hands working the front of my model's legs, higher and higher. I hear the sharp intake of breath as in a moment of carelessness I lift the drape, exposing her most private parts to their gaze. She grins and looks at me from slitted eyes, not minding, I knew she would not.}

"It seems to be improving nicely." the nurse says, as she dabs ointment on my elbow where it rubs against the chair.

I know it isn't.

{It was just a day at the beach. We stopped for ice cream. Sally jumped up and headed for the store as I sat and fiddled with the air conditioning, the engine idling. I heard her scream, looked up as the pickup truck jumped the curb, slammed into my driver's door.

"We can't save this arm." A voice said.

"She is a Doctor, we have to try."}

The scene fades away, my nurse carefully rebandages the open sore on my good left arm.

{He tells me he has to go to work. He wants to take the Mustang.}

"Not the Mustang!" My mind screams at him, he ignores me.

{He starts the Mustang, delighting in the roar of the powerful engine. Before he could place the car in gear, the coughing racked his chest again. Dismissing it as just a cold, unaware of the beast that grew in his lung, he drove out to the highway.}

Bastard! I told you not to take the Mustang!

I have the keyboard, I have control.

I smile inwardly, yes! I am the one who is in control here.

It is raining. I hate the rain. I touch the button, turn to the screen.

{I feel the power of the machine beneath me as I feed the throttle to the floor. The tires lose grip, the car shifts sideways towards the wall, the sounds of screaming engines all around me.

I do not lift, building speed quickly, impossibly quickly towards the next turn. I am grinning broadly at the sheer joy of the sensation. The front tires bite in spite of the slick pavement, a testiment to my skill as I rotate the wheel, feeling for traction. I manage to get the nose of my racer underneath the driver just ahead as he brakes to negotiate the turn, then drops down towards me...

We make contact.}

The nurse is leaning down, she has my socks off, feeling my pulse. I look down her open blouse at the swell of her breasts again, I see the upper edge of her bra, trimmed in thin lace. She likes it when I look, I can tell.

{I can see the undercarriage as the van rolls onto it's side. I am hard on the brakes of my new Mustang as I turn the wheel away, left fender already smashed, twisted crazily towards my windscreen. Too late I realize the huge truck is there. A flash of light and color, all goes black.}

The nurse stands up, smiles at me. "All done, you are doing fine." I lean forward, sipping the dark liquid through my straw, it tastes bitter.

{Tears streaming down my face, I reach for the needle I had obtained from the hospital where I work as a Doctor. I touch the plunger lightly, to remove the air, turn the needle towards my arm. I hesitate, feeling the comfort of my nakedness as I sit in the hot soapy water of the bathtub. But I cannot live, knowing my man is gone.}

Screaming in my head stops me. Always in my head, no peace, no rest. They are always there.

She is gone. I am alone.

I see out the window it is raining again.

I hate the rain.

I will walk again one day. I know I will.

So many years have passed, but they tell me great progress is being made in medicine. So many I have been before have died. One day I will kill them all, but new ones keep arriving.

They think I will give up, I won't. I have all the time in the world, I will be free.

I touch the button, swing the chair to my window. The snow is falling, the world is white and beautiful. So cold, I look up to see the shimmer of light through the ice hanging from the edge of the roof. A bird, late on it's migration, flies down and lands on the windowsill, hugging the glass tightly for warmth against the frozen day.

I try to be the bird, so free to just fly away. I touch the button, my chair rotates back to the computer.

{"Hello!" I hear the female voice suddenly by my side. I look up, the sunlight at her back outlines her perfect body. She wears just the bottom half of a small bikini, unashamed, her fully tanned breasts bare to my gaze as I shade my eyes from the light.

She looks me in the eyes with a smile.

"I couldn't help but notice you sitting by yourself."

I smiled back, knowing soon I would have her. She would press against me, needing, I would touch and explore every inch of her.}

I can see the light reflecting off the windshields of the cars as they drive by down on the highway. The morning Sun is low in the sky, yet it is already warm.

"Keep an eye on the thermometer" the nurse tells me, patting my knee.

I can't feel that, she knows it.

{I reach out and wrap my hands around her throat, the powerful muscles of my forearms bulging as I bear down.}

Bitch! I turn to the screen to hide my face, so she cannot see into my mind.

I know she does sometimes. I am sure of it.

{"Let's walk down by the river." he said. I don't know why I went, something inside me made me, I knew full well what he wanted. The sensations inside betrayed me, made me powerless to resist. We reached the riverbank, he turned and took me in his arms.

I worried he would not like my overweight body, even as my nipples erected at the thought of his touch.

I did not resist his advances. Quickly his hands found my ample bosom, in a rush he had me down in the grass, my mind in a haze as I felt him probing at me. My body responded in a cry of pleasure as I thrust back at him.}

"Back in an hour." the nurse said, that same smile on her face as she reached for the door.

I ignored her.

{I saw the Frisbee coming, a gust of wind caught it, lifted it higher. I ran, reached out as far as I could for it. Such fun, to be so young and full of energy. Just as my fingers touched the edge of the toy, I felt the shock go through me. I had not seen the tree.}

"Such a shame." The Doctor said. "I doubt he will ever walk again."

It wasn't my fault!

I don't know why I bought the Mustang, an urge, something in the moment. Fate, perhaps? Every motion, every word spoken, each step taken led to one blinding instant. It replays over and over in my mind, two innocents dead.

{I see the big truck up ahead, the silver SUV pulling out from the left. I slow and follow as the women in the SUV blend into traffic. I will get my bathing suit, go down to the beach. Such a fine spring day, I am driving very carefully.}

I hear the door close behind my nurse. I am alone.

{Lying still, I can feel them moving between the shadows in my darkened room. I try to press my body upright with my one good arm and leg, I cannot move. Trapped in the moment between sleep and awake, I open my mouth to cry out, no sound escapes me. I feel them getting closer, one leans in to bite me on the neck, to feed.}

The voices, always the voices. I turn away from the screen, then back. She is here.

{The figure offered me was half what I had expected. "Assistant to the Executive Secretary" he said.

Assistant.

I thought of my Master's Degree, "Assistant" he said. A decade of hard effort, deprivation.

Needing the work, I accepted, glancing at the large busted blonde in the office outside his door as I left.

"See you tomorrow, honey!" she said, not looking up from the magazine she was reading. I made it all the way to the ground floor before the tears came.}

She leaves me. I look out the window, the sun is high in the sky, it is getting warm.

{The bell rang, I stepped out to the center of the ring. Years of work had prepared me for this one moment, my big shot. I knew I was way behind on points, just one chance remained. I blocked his blows to my body with my elbows, they were weaker now, they no longer shocked me to my core.

I saw his body shift as he put all he had into a right hook, tipping my head forwards, I countered. A straight left, right down the middle. I felt the satisfaction as my blow landed solidly, the full weight of my 220 pound frame behind it. He seemed to fold in slow motion, I stepped back to let him fall. Blood streaming from the cuts on my face, I smiled broadly as they lifted my arm in victory.}

I sip my coffee, satisfied.

{Sweat streaming from my body from the workout, I answered the soft knock on the door. It was her, I knew it would be. She pushed by me into the room, turned and reached for me. She was naked in seconds, her fine breasts like needles against my sweat soaked skin. Forgotten was her husband that I worked for, forgotten was all the potential problems we could create. It was just us and the moment.}

{Tears stream down my face as I write. I curse the body and face I was given. All of the other girls seem so pretty, I live trapped in my skinny flat chested body. My phone never rings, no boys ever call. None even ask for my number to call, I am part of the background. The one time with a boy was seconds, he pressed me back against the bed and thrust at me, then he was done. It was like he was in a rush to leave the room, I lay there with my clothing down around my ankles wondering what had just happened.}

I let her fade back into my mind, she always depresses me when she shows up. I wonder if Dan is around? I touch the button on my chair, move to the counter. Turning in close, I can reach the coffee with my left arm, I pour myself a cup. I carefully swing it into the holder on my chair, it is hot.

The voices are singing again, I roll to the window and look out at the Sunshine, it is Spring.

That cheers me, I roll back to the computer screen. Dan fills my head, my mind, we are smiling.

I know we have time to write a bit before she wakes up.

{The memories of the evening before fill my mind. Minutes before, I had quietly slipped the covers back to gaze at her nakedness as she slept. Such a beautiful creature, she had seen me across the room and something clicked. She simply walked up and said, "Dance with me?"

Today I planned to take her for a long drive in the Corvette. I really wanted a New Mustang when I had bought the machine, but that caused a fight.}

"No, not a Mustang!"

He was insistent.

"Never a Mustang!"

*

I touched the button on the chair, rolled back for another cup of coffee.

Time to write. Plenty of time to write. Dan wouldn't be back from his drive for hours. I touched the button that adjusts my body temperature, I was sweating even though it is snowing outside. Only my face sweats, but it warns me.

Yes, plenty of time to write, she is here and wants to.

We have all the time in the world.

MGM