I sat, holding my drink, and caught myself staring at him again. I forced my gaze away once more, and focused instead on the conversation of the rest of the group. I laughed when appropriate, and smiled when someone spoke to me directly, but always found my thoughts leading back to the same man.
His name was Chris, and he was a friend of my husband. I had known him as long as I had known my husband, and had to admit, always had some feelings for him. But, lately, it seemed my feelings had grown stronger. I wanted to be around him more often, finding ways to be alone in a room with him, but never let on my feelings. My husband actually knew of my "crush" as he called it, and felt that it was natural to be attracted to someone else. I felt as if I was betraying my love for my husband, and told myself how wrong it was to want another man. Even then, the feelings for Chris remained.
This particular night we were having a party for a mutual friend who had just received a new position at the business he had been working in. These were my favorite kinds of parties because they were laid back, and we could act like the kids we were not too long ago. We would drink a little too much, play some party games, and laugh all night long.
"Jay, are you in there?" I heard my friend Kellie ask as she waved her hand in front of my face. "Earth to Jayden, come in Jayden. You were in some kind of other world there, hun."
"Sorry," I laughed, shaking my head, "just caught up in my thoughts. Did I miss anything good?"
"Naw, just making sure you weren't too drunk already. Wouldn't want you to miss out on all the hot party action." She clinked her glass against mine. "I think Alex is gonna put on a show in another round or two."
Alex, the group lush, often put on little strip shows for the ladies once he had a couple of drinks in him. He never got very far, but we always enjoyed the show. At our last party, Kellie and I brought a bunch of one dollar bills and threw them at Alex once the fun was going down. We talked about that for weeks afterward.
"Ooo, wouldn't wanna miss that." I winked towards Alex, who made a sexual gesture in our direction. We all had very immature senses of humor, but that drew us all closer together. I brought my attention back to my drink as Kellie moved on to refill her own.
"So, what do you think," A deep, sexy voice whispered in my ear, "Should we just call it a night and sneak up to my room?"Chills went down my spine as I turned a flushed face towards the speaker.
"Don't tease." I pinched Chris's arm lightly, trying to distract him from the fact that my face was flushed at the idea. If he only knew...
"Enjoying yourself?" I asked, purposely changing the subject. The last thing I needed to do was to embarrass myself by blurting out my thoughts on that subject.
"Of course," He smiled, and my blood warmed, "I can't resist a good party. What about you?"
"Sure, I love our get-togethers." I tried to sound enthusiastic, but apparently didn't succeed. Chris made a face that said he didn't believe me.
"Wow, don't get too excited about it. We don't want you to wear yourself out with all that party energy." I laughed as he reached out to tickle me, know full well I was super ticklish. "Oh noes, she is going to explode from the excitement, look out!"
"Stop," I tried to tell him as a gasped for breath, "you're spilling my drink."
"No, you are spilling your drink, my dear. I do think you are mistaken." His soft, green eyes sparkled with unspent laughter as he tried to keep a straight face. Then his expression softened.
"Is there anything wrong? Trouble in paradise?" He glanced in the direction of my husband, currently talking shop with more friends. By shop I meant video games.
"No, nothing like that. Just have a little bit on my mind lately, trying to figure myself out." I told him truthfully.
"Want to talk about it?" He asked, and I took the opportunity to stare into his eyes. They were the kind of soft green of moss, with hints of gold around the iris. He stopped to brush his dusty blonde hair out of his face with smooth, shapely hands. My thoughts drifted to those hands running up and down my stomach, cupping my breasts. I shook my head to clear my thoughts.
"It's not really a boy-talk kind of subject, but thanks."
"Ooo, it's not another man, is it?" the playfulness leaked back into his eyes. "I'm jealous."
I snorted, "Yeah, right. What about you? Have you found someone yet?"
"There have been a couple of girls, sure. But stop changing the subject. Do you have another man? Does Rand know?"
"Chris,stop. I do not have another man, so there is nothing for Rand to know." I pushed myself away from his grasp, not trusting myself to be so near him without letting my true feeling come to the surface. I saw more questions come into Chris's eyes before he grabbed my arm.
"Come on, we'll talk upstairs." He pulled my toward the second story of his home. Part of me screamed for me to wake up, to play it off like a joke, and go back to the party. But, there was the other part of me that wanted to be alone with Chris more than anything, to see if he had feelings for me too.
We slipped upstairs without drawing anyone's attention, mainly because Kellie was joining Alex in a strip-off. Chris brought me into his room, closing the door behind us. I stood there, frozen, as he went to sit on his bed. I didn't want to sit there next to him, wishing he would take me into his arms and do all the things I fantasized him doing to me. Finally I sat against the window frame facing the bed, trying to seem relaxed.
"You know, you can talk to me. I won't judge you, Jay. It's not always easy being with only one person, I know."
I still tried to stay upbeat. "I wouldn't know. I've never been with anyone other than Rand, so I can't know what I'm missing, right?"
"I didn't know that." Chris stood and came closer to me. "You've really never been with another man before?"
