Her hands were trembling. The kind of trembling that no one notices, but she felt like there were earthquakes in the tips of her fingers. She turned up the music, and tried to tap out her nerves on the steering wheel, but she wasn't even listening to the lyrics.
"What the fuck am I doing?" she asked to the empty car. The only reply was DJ Khaled yelling his name and her heartbeat thumping in her chest. It caused her to giggle. Then she frowned, as her dark brown eyes narrowed. She drew in a breath, and pulled into the parking lot of the hotel. She was hundreds of miles from home, and as jittery as she was, she just had to know.
***
"Ok guys! I'll see you tomorrow!" she yelled to her team.
Pizza. That's what she wanted. It was already 1pm. She didn't really want to go across the street. That's where he took her. He, the one who threw her away. And for some reason she still clung to, hopeful. But this pizzeria was close and the wolf growling in her tummy made her decision.
She pulled in and took a minute. She had to find her credit card and keys which had fallen into the abyss of her bag. Something made her look up. "Fuck me!" It was him. He was walking out. "Shit." Should she go say hi? Should she duck? "Yeah, brilliant idea, dipshit. Duck like you're undercover. Ugh. Just be an adult." She got out of the car and turned toward his truck as her heart fell. She didn't see the blonde with him. His hands touched her face as he pulled the woman in like he had done to her so many times. In that same spot. That same fucking spot. She wanted to scream, "He's married!" But that struck a nerve with her. She still wasn't proud of her actions.
She got back in her car and shook. She felt nauseous. Was she going to vomit? Why did this affect her so much? He's just a man. There's millions of people in this world. Her heart continued to break until that woman got into her car and left in the opposite direction of him.
She got home, eyes swollen from crying. Still hungry, she looked for something to mindlessly eat. Nothing tasted good. Her soul ached, yet she felt numb. The kind of numb he had rescued her from years prior. "Fuck this." Now she was angry.
After an hour of rage shopping, she took a different route home. She just wanted to drive with the music up and windows down, despite the cold December air.
Belting out lyrics from Ariana, she came to a stop sign, and something broke within her. She pulled over and put the car in park, and sobbed.
"God? What the fuck? Why would you give me him if he was going to break my heart anyway?"
She looked up to the beautiful crystal blue sky and wished for a moment that it was raining, to match her somber mood.
"Help me to let him go. I don't want to feel anymore!" She paused, got control of her anger toward a God she wasn't even sure she believed in, and started again. There were no tears. And she felt calm.
"I want to be strong. I don't want to get lost in anyone. But if you give me someone again, he needs to be kind. A good dad. Love kids in general, maybe even be a teacher. He needs to be supportive of my creativity and my quirks. Make me face my shit and not let me get away with the things I know I do, but never judge. Ahhh. Dark hair and eyes, please. Have a gorgeous smile. Be amazing in bed. And his voice needs to stir something in me. And God...I don't even care if he's from a different country."