"Steven, you have to do something about Maria."
Those were the words that greeted me when I got home from a hard day's work. Not something I wanted to hear.
Let me introduce the cast of characters. I'm Steven, a lovable young man, handsome, intelligent, fit, gainfully employed, financially well off, and a lawyer.
The person lodging their complaint with me was my Grandmother, Isabel. Isabel in my opinion was a crotchety old bitch with inbuilt arrogance for which she had absolutely no justification. She'd married young, leeched off my Grandfather until he died (probably happy to do so), and was theoretically living with my parents who, opting for a world cruise, had dumped her on me for six months. If my parents wanted another cruise they would find that I'll have bought the old harridan an extra ticket, just so that she could accompany them.
Maria was my Grandmother's companion. Having to work I couldn't be at my Grandmother's beck and call twenty four hours a day, a situation that she found intolerable. Hence the companion. I had personally interviewed a number of applicants, looking for a mouse who wouldn't mind being snarled at constantly, worked hard, and never thanked.
The first girl I hired lasted an hour. Before Maria, the longest time for a companion had been three days. Maria had lasted two months and there was only a month to go. I did not want to lose Maria. Not that I'd stand in her way if she wanted to run. (I also didn't intend to hire another companion, unless I could find a prison guard or a nurse from an insane asylum who wanted a temporary position.)
"What's the problem with Maria?" I asked.
"I cannot abide rudeness," snapped Isabel, which was news to me as she was a past-master at it. I think she might have had a doctorate in it.
"The girl was insulting to me, just because I asked her to do something. Heaven knows, I don't ask her for much and it is why she was hired."
"Why don't you tell me what happened?" I suggested, and settled down to listen.
For the next half hour I was regaled with the ingratitude of that ingrate to whom, out of the kindness of her heart, my Grandmother had offered a job. What I eventually determined was that Maria had said something rather rude to my Grandmother. What I didn't need was Isabel's parting shot.
"I told that miserable girl that you would beat her. She's up in her room now, sulking."
"Grandmother," I said carefully, "I'm a lawyer. It's my job to resolve problems, not create them. I suspect that beating Maria just might cause a few problems. For a start, she would resign."
"Not if she wants any sort of a reference," snapped Isabel. "Besides, she has it easy here. She's not going to resign just because you beat her. I'd do it myself, but I'm an old lady who everyone takes advantage of."
All things considered I could see the best thing to do would be to give Maria a month's pay in lieu of notice and send her off with a glowing reference. Isabel would have to go without a companion for a month. I told Isabel I'd handle things and headed off to brace Maria.
I knocked on Maria's door and entered when told to, closing the door behind me. If I hadn't, Isabel would have been snooping, watching to see what happened.
"Tact and diplomacy," I said, frowning slightly. "I believe that these were the key words I used when describing your duties?"
Maria blushed. She was a cute little thing. I don't think she was actually shy, just a rather private person, slow to let people get to know her.
"I've been tactful and diplomatic, honest. It's just that nothing I do pleases her."
"I also believed that I warned you of that, as well," I reminded her. "And, really, calling your employer a contentious old cow is not considered either tactful or diplomatic, at least, not in any book of etiquette that I've come across."
Maria blushed even harder.
"I didn't say it to her," she protested. "I muttered it under my breath as I was going to fetch her needle work from where-ever she happened to leave it. For the fourth time today. It's not my fault she can't be bothered to put it away when she's finished with it. It's not my fault she got ears like a bat, either."
"It's not your fault that she's vindictive, but she is. She wants me to beat you."
"I know. She told me. So what happens now?"
"Unfortunately, I think the best thing for you is for us to come to a parting of the ways. I'll pay out the rest of your contract and give you an excellent reference."
"But I'd lose my bonus, wouldn't I."
(I had promised Maria a decent bonus if she could last until my parents got back and took Isabel away. Leaving early meant no bonus.)
"You would," I agreed. "That bonus was conditional on serving the full term."
"Oh. In that case I'd rather stay on."
"You're kidding."
"Not really. I have my board here so I'm able to save most of my wages and with the bonus I'll be far better off. I can put up with Isabel for another month."
"I've already told you she's vindictive. She'll be out to make you lose your temper."
"I'll smile and simper and not notice. Have you noticed how that irritates her?"
I had. I just hadn't been sure if the little vixen was doing it on purpose. It seemed she was.
"We're still left with one little problem. Isabel will ask me if I gave you your beating. She won't countenance you staying without one. She'll make my life miserable until I discharge you. So how do you feel about a mild beating?"
"Well, really," said Maria, indignant. "Just tell her that you gave me one. You don't actually need to."
"First, it's bad practice to lie to Isabel. I think she's a mind reader. Second, she's probably listening at the door, hoping to hear the sound of the beating."
"She damned well would be, wouldn't she."
I watched as Maria chewed over the problem.
"Um, what would the beating entail?" she asked.
