Cold water leaked through her shoe. She felt the chill first, then the dampness. Curling her toes away from the irritant, she looked down. She had been sitting on the sand too long and not noticed the tide creeping grain by grain towards her canvas covered feet. She slapped her thighs in frustration and jumped up, soaking her one dry foot in the stumbling process. She sighed and tried to remember what she had been thinking about. The gentle roll of the waves was fascinating. It was nice to be distracted and calm.
The sun drifted behind the pines, leaving her alone in the twilight but it was still light enough to see. It was a blue light that made her think she was losing her eyesight. She had to squint to make out the details. She would have been chilly in her plain white T-shirt but she had brought her navy cardigan with her. It had been wrapped around her shoulders but she was now pulling her arm inside and through the sleeves. She pulled her hair elastic from her hair, shook her head and put her hair back in a ponytail, scooping up the wisps that wanted to play.
The expanse of beach made her feel she was on an island no one had discovered yet. It was deserted save for three seagulls being disturbingly quiet on their evening walk in search of sandwich bits. Summer was over, autumn well on it's way. This day was what would be the last of a soothing Indian summer.
Tonight was the bonfire, the last one of the year. It was always sad, bordering on tiresome. The end of a season, change. With one every month beginning in May, it was now a tried and true tradition between old high school friends and sweethearts. As long as they were all living within driving distance, the bonfires would continue. One missing member would not bring a halt to the celebration, the celebration of life, of friendship and of love.
The fires were full of music, talk and too much wine. All too soon they knew it would become more of an early picnic with festivities wrapping up by bedtime as babies and then children were added to the mix. Marriages now came with regularity almost every weekend during the spring. Already, a golden retriever puppy had been welcomed into the fold. This would be his second bonfire and he was most definitely the life of the party.
This particular bonfire was especially difficult for Eirian. Her first without him. It was strenuous not to become sullen, difficult to ignore the tightening of her chest when she pictured his face. She missed being cuddled between his legs, leaning against his chest. She had been a long time without him but this night brought it all back. It was his favourite time of year, his favourite night.
She sat in Claire's café, warming her hands around a cup of Amaretto hot chocolate. Claire offered her hot coffee but she declined. She loved the nostalgic smell of freshly brewed coffee but hated the aftertaste.
She was daydreaming. It made Claire nervous to see a woman usually so sociable and merry now so quiet. Claire thought she knew the reason but Eirian never told Claire that she was constantly worried that someone else would be next. To go through a death again would certainly kill her. Eirian was so sure of it that she endeavoured to keep her friends as safe as possible.
Eirian sat still on her couch the entire time Cullen was flying to Banff for a ski vacation. She was unable to concentrate on anything, as if the sheer force of her will was keeping her friends plane in the sky. She never worried about herself but another loss, no matter how deep, could not be allowed to happen.
"Eirian, where are you?"
"Nowhere."
"You were lost there for a minute." Claire stated. She was standing before Eirian dressed in her gingham uniform and white apron.
"Just remembering, that's all." Eirian responded, now fully back from her reverie. Claire had no idea. I was remembering the heat she wanted to say. Remembering the fire she'd once felt with a man.
It seemed strange that this was the first she'd thought about sex in months. It had been occurring more and more lately, usually in her dreams at night. For a daydream that aroused her to happen in Claire's café meant Eirian needed something to happen. She needed not just any sex. No. She needed hard, jarring sex that would make her feel something; that would take away the numbness. But no, she could not tell even Claire those thoughts.
"Are you coming tonight? It's going to be so much fun." Claire wiped a nearby table as she spoke
"Of course I'm coming. Don't I always? I just wanted to warm up and I have to go home to get changed. Could be very cold tonight." She didn't tell Claire that she was dreading the fire.
Claire sighed, "What can I do Eirian?"
"What do you mean?"
"Oh, just that I miss you and I'm not sure how to get you back."
"Maybe I've changed Claire. Maybe the old Eirian is gone for good."
"I don't think so and neither do the others."
"Oh, so you all sit around talking about how to fix me?" She was becoming impatient with the futile line of discussion. "Eirian! You know that's not true. We love you and we loved him. We loved the two of you together but that's not going to change anything. It's been so long Eirian. What can we do? We just want to help."
"Like I said Claire, this is me now. Get used to it...wait...I didn't mean it like that. I didn't mean to sound so...so...blunt. I just don't think it's going to change."
"It will Eirian. You're not happy and time will cure that. I guess I just want to see it sped up and you're right, you may not be ready for it yet."
"All right Claire. That's enough. I'll see you tonight. I will be there. I won't miss it."
"I know you won't Eirian and we'll all be there for you."
Eirian smiled a genuine smile of gratitude. She laid a dollar on the table for the hot chocolate, which Claire wrapped tightly in her fingers. Secretly she hated the thought of everyone watching her, talking about her and feeling sorry for her.
Changing into warmer clothing made her late but she was usually late. She violently resisted being rushed as it built anxiety deep within in her torso. She certainly did not need any more anxiety and had learned to do things in her own time. It made for a much easier life in her opinion and so far, it was working. Reaching the top of the sand dunes, she stood watching her best friends pass around the hot dogs and s'mores before joining them. Fifteen people were huddled together around the campfire with Cullen set apart. They were waiting for him to begin the night's entertainment.
Cullen had not taken his guitar out of its case yet so she had not missed much. For a moment, she considered going home. No one had seen her there on the dune yet. She could go home and climb under the covers, which was exactly what she felt like doing. But no...the fall out she'd take from all of them, Claire in particular, was not worth it. She was brave. She knew she could handle this. But did she want to? She took a few deep, rhythmic breaths and started forward.
There was a harvest moon, as they called it. Full and rusted, tired of the expectations of having to be full all summer in order to extend play hours. It would rest after this last night. As a final fulfillment of those expectations, it reflected a golden path across the ocean, shimmered by ripples. A salt-stung breeze rustled the grasses around her knees and brought to her the rustic scent of burning wood. He would have remarked on the expanse before them had he been alive, there, beside her. You can do this Eirian!
Eirian jogged down the dune trying not to lose her footing in the loose sand and fall on her behind. The outstretched arms of Claire, Cullen and others she had grown up with met her. It was hard to smile, but she did. They pretended not to notice how hard she was trying. She tucked her pea coat under her behind and sat down on the sand, wiggling a bit to make a comfortable seat. When she leaned back against a weathered, pale log of driftwood, the wind touched her ribs. She pulled her navy, wool coat tighter.
Cullen unsnapped the worn leather guitar case and pulled out his twelve-string guitar. He rested it on his lap and began playing. He did not play anything in particular right away, just some chords to set the mood. Everyone began talking and drinking as if the party could not begin unless there was guitar music. As each person noticed her they gave a quick wave of acknowledgment. Claire smiled a broad smile and motioned for Eirian to sit beside her.
"You came!" Claire whispered in her ear.
"Of course I did, I'm not a coward."
"Don't get defensive dear. I know you're not. I just know that you'd rather not be here right now."
"Actually Claire, now that I'm here it might not be so bad. I'd probably feel worse if I didn't come and very likely would never come again. Maybe this was a good step."
"I think it was Eirian. I'm glad you came. It wouldn't be the same without you."
Eirian smiled. Claire handed her a glass of red wine and as she brought it to her lips, she noticed someone new through the fire, sitting quietly. He was leaning on driftwood as well. He was tall, his legs extended before him, crossed at the ankles. It was easy to see his features despite the darkness. His face was the ideal of every woman, beautiful gray eyes that shone in the firelight, light whiskers on cheeks that just begged to be stroked and full lips that glistened as his tongue licked over them. Eirian easily pictured those lips between her teeth. Surprised by her own erotic thoughts, she quickly looked away before anyone noticed she was staring or that the heat he raised was causing her to flush. It seemed that everyone else knew him. It was either that or they did not realize he had joined them. Eirian elbowed Claire, who was sitting beside her, clapping her hands to one of Cullen's newest creations, always so supportive.
"Claire, who is that in the long, grey coat over there?" She nodded almost imperceptibly in his direction. Somehow, she had caught his attention and he was now looking at her and smiling.
"You know, I don't know. I believe Cullen knows him from somewhere but I haven't been properly introduced either. Leave it to a man not to make introductions. I can't say why he's here. Perhaps he's just by for a visit. I confess I haven't taken my eyes off him. He would be one for my sculpture class in town. I should ask if he be interested in some nude modeling. Attractive isn't he?" she answered with a wink.
"Very," Eirian whispered, assessing him while cupping her hands around her wineglass.
