I'm studying for my Masters in Dendrology. As part of my research I had to go to the deep woods to conduct a study that my Professor thought would be 'A Meaningful Contribution To The Manner In Which Trees Interact With The Forest During Logging'.
As you may have gathered, my field trip would take me to a logging camp and its environs. My first port of call, naturally, was to the logging camp. I wanted to be able to assure them that I wasn't a wide-eyed greenie protesting their work, but a serious scientist who studied trees and the way they interact with the environment. Long term, my work could even help the loggers.
When I found the camp I was at the end of a dirt road, way up in the mountains. There were a number of cabins there and the place had that feel of permanence. It had been there quite a while and it expected to be there for a lot longer.
Properly managed, logging is a cyclic industry. This year you cut and replant at point A. Year by year you move around in a big circle until you're back at point A with mature trees ready for logging. Much like wheat farming, but on a much longer time scale.
I hopped out of my car, wondering where to go. No-one seemed to be around and none of the buildings had signs on them. I was about to go over to the nearest building and knock when this voice boomed out at me.
"What do you want, kid, and should you be driving daddy's car?"
I hate, loathe and detest being small. People look at me and knock five years off my age. That would be fine if I was thirty, but at twenty it's a pain in the ass.
I turned around and my first thought was that they were training grizzly bears to be loggers. This guy was enormous. He just stood there, looking arrogantly down at me, waiting for an answer.
"Good morning," I said, determinedly smiling. "I'm Marion Carrington. Your company has been notified that I'll be in the area doing a study. I've come past for a courtesy call and to see if there are any areas that you would like me to avoid right now. Is the manager available?"
"God, just what we need. A miniature greenie," the great oaf muttered. "Yeah, Joe's available. The last cabin over there. Just try to stay away from where we're actually doing the cutting, won't you?"
"I am not a greenie," I pointed out. "I'm studying dendrology. That's the study of trees, you know."
"So I've heard. Now go give Joe the benefit of your erudition. He's paid to handle nuisances. I'm not."
With that the big oaf just sauntered away, plainly dismissing me as beneath his notice. I headed off to the last cabin to see Joe.
Joe was leaning on the cabin door as I approached.
"You must be Marion, the research student. I was expecting someone older. I see you met Paul. Nice chap you'll find. If you need any help and I'm not available, speak to him."
"Yes and I am," I said. "That is, yes, I'm Marion, and I'm older than you think. Paul Bunyan there seemed as friendly as a grizzly."
"Doctor Paul Jenson, actually. He has doctorates in several soil and crop sciences, specialising in dendrology. He can probably help you with your research."
Great. Now I find out that I'd taken a cheap shot at the resident expert. My day was improving by leaps and bounds.
Joe showed me into his office and explained the rules of the logging camp. Summed up, they were don't trespass where we're actually logging and don't bother the loggers. That was fine by me. My research was to be on the trees left behind after the loggers had cleared an area.
Joe asked if I wanted one of the cabins, as they had a couple of empty ones, but I declined. I would be quite happy setting up a camp. I did reserve the right to change my mind if it started raining, but the forecast was fine for the next week.
I found a place to camp (recommended by Joe) and set up. Then I got down to some serious work. For the next two days everything went fine. I was making progress, not interfering with the loggers, and all was well. I was feeling pleased and proud with myself.
They say pride comes before a fall, and my fall came on the third day. I was being careful. Really I was. I knew to look out for the red flags that said don't enter here and I'd always observed them. That's why I was taken by surprise then a voice suddenly yelled "Fucking hell" and I heard someone running.
Something grabbed me around the waist and I was suddenly watching the woods moving past me at a great rate. I was tucked under someone's arm and they were moving elsewhere, and I was watching where I'd just been. And this whacking great tree came crashing down not ten paces from where I'd been standing.
I gave a sort of squeak as I knew there was no logging in the area so that tree shouldn't be there. Then to top of the shock I received a great indignity. I mean really, how dare he do that?
Whoever was carrying me had me tucked under one arm. He then used his other arm to suddenly peel my tracksuit pants down and he walloped my bottom. I mean, I still had panties on, but they weren't much of a protection from a huge paw coming down and slapping right across my bum. Just like that I had a hand shaped bruise on my bottom.
Then I was dumped on my feet.
It was that grizzly bear logger, Paul. Oh, I'm sorry. Doctor Paul.
"What do you think you're doing?" I screamed at him, pulling my trackies back into place.
"Getting your attention," he snarled. "Do you know what that means?"
'That' was a red flag. I don't know how I'd missed it. I must have been distracted by something and just gone straight past it and into a logging area.
"Ah, I'm sorry," I mumbled, red faced and feeling a fool. "I missed seeing it. I'll be more careful in future."
"You'd better be, kid," Paul snapped at me. "If I catch you in a logging area again I'll give you a proper spanking rather than a warning slap on the bottom."
Warning slap? He'd practically shaken my teeth loose when he'd unleased that blow. I could still feel every finger outlined on my bottom.
"You wouldn't dare and I'm not a kid," I snapped back at him.
He just laughed at me.
"Try me, but remember, it's your bottom. But I'll admit that it didn't look like a kid's bottom. Nice and round and eminently spankable. Now scram back where you belong. I've work to do."
With that he just strolled away, leaving me seething with dark and dangerous thoughts. It took me ages to cool down enough to get on with my work in a logical frame of mind.
The rest of the day I was busy and by five I was ready for a break. I was hot and sticky, hungry and thirsty and evening would soon be here. I headed back to camp.
Reaching my camp my first decision was to have a cold drink. After that I headed over to the pool down by the river. I could bathe there quite safely. Joe had told me that the loggers had been ordered to stay away from my camp and had guaranteed that I wouldn't be bothered.
I strolled down the hill to the pool, stripped and jumped in the water. It was freezing and wonderful. I washed and swam and had fun for a while, reluctant to leave the cool water even to go and make my dinner. However, it was getting late and I didn't want to find myself still here when night came so I hopped out of the pool.
I'd no sooner got out of the pool and was standing there in all my naked glory when one of the bushes at the side of the pool started shaking. So much for Joe's guarantee. I hate peeping toms.
I was reaching for my clothes when I saw this nice rock lying next to them. I almost laughed as I grabbed it. I then pitched that rock quite hard. I'm stronger and better coordinated than people realise. They look at me and see kid, but I am fully grown. I tossed that rock where it would do the most good. I bet it seemed to the peeping tom as though it had just come out of the sky at him.
Not a good day. I heard the rock hit something but, instead of a yell and a curse, I got a yelp and a roar. Then this frigging bear is standing up behind the damn bush, and it was huge. He stood up, held his front legs high and wide, and roared and I just screamed and took off running.
I'll tell you this. Put an angry bear behind an Olympic athlete and you watch her set all sorts of new records. I certainly set a new record for the women's hundred metres. I was charging into my camp in nothing flat, expecting to be eaten alive at any moment.
Bolting into camp I ran smack into the other bear. Paul was in the camp and he looked furious.
"What the hell do you think you're doing, chucking rocks at the bears?" he demanded. "Haven't you more sense than to tease the wildlife? That poor bear is probably still running and all he wanted was some dinner."
"I didn't know it was a bear," I yelled. "And as for dinner, it looked like he wanted me."
"He was picking berries and you come charging up naked and start pitching rocks. You've probably traumatized the poor creature. You can consider yourself lucky he didn't come after you."
I was glaring at him and he was glaring at me, and then I suddenly remembered I was naked. I blushed and from the appreciative look on Paul's face he also remembered. Actually, I don't suppose he forgot for one second, seeing I was standing starkers in front of him.
I knew Paul had decided to do something horrible to me when an evil smile came on his face. I was about to dive past him and into my tent when he caught hold of me. His great paws closed around my waist and he picked me up and drew me to him, holding me against his chest.