I'm sitting on a wooden bench in the concourse level of the hotel. I check my phone for the 25th time in a minute. It's still 7:55.
We're supposed to meet in the lobby at 8, under the big clock there. I don't want to be early - I don't want anyone else to see me - but I really don't want to be late. I get a text from you and my heart jumps. You say you'll be another few minutes because of traffic.
I'm relieved to have the extra time to prepare.
I sit there, dressed to perfection. For weeks we've been texting back and forth, and in that time I've come to understand what you like physically. I'm wearing a white linen strapless dress (to show off my tan, like I promised, and for you to raise in the elevator. Like you promised.), nude patent heels that look like sex itself, black Ray Bans, red lips, and my hair is piled in a bun atop my head. Just how you requested it to get at my neck and ears more easily.
I look again at my phone and see it's 8:03. I fear that if I sit here any longer I may lose my nerve and leave. This is crazy! Is this crazy?
I'm here to meet a man to whom I have no connection personally. I have no idea if you're going to fuck me or kill me. Will you look like you do in your picture? Will you be awful? Will you be boring?
Will you be wonderful?
Will someone see us together? Will they tell my husband? What will I tell them? What will I tell him?
Will I even care?
There's only one way to find out.
I can't take it anymore, this mental hurricane. I stand up, smooth out my dress, take a breath and relax my shoulders. I walk slowly to the grand staircase, in part because I think that's the sexiest gait for you...and in part because I'm so goddamn nervous I have to walk slow so that I don't fall over.