Atie's Love

Writers Note

This is the ninth chapter in my story about Katie. This covers events that happened from 1999 until 2001. You would think after all this time had passed, that there wouldn't be much to tell but the story is far from over. This chapter doesn't have as much sex in it as some of the earlier ones did, but as I said in the preface to the first chapter, this is a story first about love. These years were times of both joy and sorrow.

T

*

1999 was a crazy year. A lot of computers had old software that wasn't going to work after the year 2000 rolled around and there was plenty of work to be had. Too much at times. There were a lot of days that I dreaded hearing the phone ring because I was really getting stressed out. Sixty hour work weeks were pretty common and there were more than a couple that went longer than that. The money was great but so was the pressure and it got worse as the year went by.

November 3rd was a Wednesday that year. I made plans to visit Katie's grave in the morning. In my letter to Elizabeth that I sent to her the middle of October, I told her that I was going to be there around 11:00 AM. That would give me some time there as well as having the afternoon to go out on a call. As it turned out, that week I had gotten involved in a major upgrade at a client site and the computer that they were moving off of was ancient and very slow. Things were taking way too long to get done there, but I was hoping to be close to getting it finished that afternoon.

It was a sunny day but cool with the temperature around fifty-five degrees and I arrived at the cemetery a few minutes before 11:00 AM. I took the pink rose out of the truck and walked over to Katie's grave, but the vase that Elizabeth had always left for me there wasn't there. I stood there for a few minutes and wondered if something had happened to her.

Then I heard a woman's voice behind me say, "I'm sorry I'm late."

I turned around and there stood Elizabeth. I hadn't seen her since the last night that we had spent together seventeen years ago. She was seventy years old by then, but time had been gentle with her. Her hair was still brown with just a few gray hairs and her smile was just a sweet as it had ever been.

"After all these years Elizabeth," I said, "You are still so beautiful."

Elizabeth laughed and replied, "And after all these years Tony, you are still such a gentleman and still such a liar," then she moved up close, placed her hands on my cheeks and gave me a soft kiss.

I placed my arms around her waist and said, "It has been too long since anyone kissed me like that. I am surprised that you decided to come today."

She said, "I decided that it was time."

"I'm glad that you did," I answered.

She smiled, moved back from me a little and over her arm she had a small canvas tote bag along with her purse. She reached inside, pulled out the vase, and a small bottle of water.

"You will be needing these," she said. I took them from her, placed the vase on the base of Katie's tombstone, and poured the water in. I placed the rose inside the vase and as I moved back Elizabeth said, "I'll go sit on the bench while you have your time with her."

"No, please stay," I asked.

"Okay," she said. I placed my arm around her back across her waist and she did the same with hers across mine. We stood there quietly for a while, then Elizabeth said in a voice that was close to whisper, "Katie never comes here, at least never with me."

I answered, "She never has never been here with me either. I don't know why and she has never told me."

We stood there for a little while longer and Elizabeth said, "Let's go sit down for a little."

I replied, "That would be very nice."

We walked over and sat down on a bench that was along side of the path that went around the cemetery. We talked and talked. It had been such a long time and despite the monthly letters, there was still much to be said and it was so nice just to hear her voice again.

Elizabeth said at one point, "If I keep talking like this, I'll have nothing to write you about this month."

I replied, "I'm sure you will think of something."

She looked at me and said, "I do have a confession to make. I have been here a few times when you were here, but I just couldn't bring myself to walk over." Elizabeth looked away from me out towards Katie's grave and I saw a look of sadness come over her face. She turned back towards me and softly said, "Tony, there is something I have to tell you. Something that I tried to tell you a long time ago."

"What is it Elizabeth?" I asked.

She drew in a deep breath and answered, "After the accident, they did blood tests on Katie, to see if she was on drugs or had been drinking."

"That is routine," I said, "But I know she wasn't."

She went on, "Yes, they didn't find any." She paused again and with another deep breath said, "Tony, Katie was pregnant."

I looked at her and said, "What?"

I could see the tears starting to form in her eyes as she replied, "They said that she was about six weeks along. I am so sorry. There have been so many times I wanted to tell you this. I wrote you a note about it a long time ago that has been in and out of just about every letter I sent to you, but I decided that I had to tell you about in person. Jean and I talked about this after the funeral and we both felt that because of how badly you were hurting that it would be best to wait. And please don't be angry with Jean for not telling you, I told her that I would be the one."

I sat there in shock as my mind raced back to that year and I said, "I never remember her missing her period."

Elizabeth didn't say anything. She just sat there quietly and the tears flowed gently down her face.

My mind was reeling. I could not believe what she had just told me. I sat there and as my own tears started to form I realized just how truly horrible that last week had been for Katie. I always had a deep respect for the bravery that she had shown during that last week, especially which I was around, but this was just beyond belief. Not only knowing that she was going to die but that she was pregnant with my child? I sat there and cried for a long time. It was just like that Wednesday evening eighteen years ago when I was slumped on the floor at Katie's house crying after finding out that she had been killed. Elizabeth reached over and took my hand in hers. I started shaking from the pain of the emotions that I long thought were under control but still were lurking within the depths of my heart and my very soul.

I finally managed to get the crying under control, but my eyes were still blurry from the flood of tears. Elizabeth pulled a tissue from her purse, handed it to me and I wiped my eyes and my face.

Elizabeth said, "I am so sorry Tony."

"No," I replied, "I am sorry that you had to carry that around with you all of these years. But thank you for telling me."

One more time she looked out at Katie's grave and after a few seconds passed, she turned and said, "I have something to give to you." She reached into the canvas tote and pulled something out that was wrapped in a piece of white silk and tied with a pink ribbon. "I wrapped it up to keep it safe," she said as she handed it to me. I unwrapped it and inside was a book that was about eight inches long and five inches wide. It had a dark red cover with nothing marked on it. I recognized it as one of those blank books that you can purchase. I had started one myself before I met Katie but never got too far with it. I stared at it for a few seconds and I heard Elizabeth say, "This was in the metal box with all of her papers. There is a note in the front that she left for me."

I opened the cover. The note was dated October 26, 1981 which was the day that Katie had gotten the premonition of her death. The note was beautifully written and read, "Mom. I have a big favor to ask of you. Please give this book to Tony, but not too soon. Give him time to heal. Thank you. Love Katie."

I moved the inside cover over and written on the title page in big beautiful letters was "I Found Him!" She signed her name in big letters as well and below that was written November 12, 1980, which was another date that I had no trouble in remembering. I turned the first page and started reading, then to another and then to one a little farther inside. It was a diary that she had kept while we were together. I flipped quickly through the pages until I got to the last one that had writing on it. That one was dated Monday November 2, 1981, which was the day before she died.

I looked at Elizabeth and once again the tears started to flow from my eyes as I asked her, "Have you read this?"

Elizabeth softly said, "I tried to read it a few times that first year. I could only get a page or two done and I would start crying so hard that I couldn't go on. A few years ago, I decided that it was time and no matter what, that I would get through it." She paused and went on, "I learned a lot about Katie that I never knew. Some things made me happy, some made me very sad, and some," and she paused again, "Scared me very much. I never once doubted how much you were in love with her, but after reading that Tony, I knew why and also why she was so much in love with you."

I sat there quietly listening as the tears still flowed down my face.

Still speaking she said, "There was one line she wrote that I will always remember," and she drew in a breath and said, "The moonlight wrapped around us like a soft silver cocoon and our souls joined together as one in the power of our love."

I looked at her and said, "Even after all these years, that is one night I can still remember as clear as when it happened."

Elizabeth broke into a smile, laughed a little and said, "If I was twenty years younger, the next time it was a full moon, I'd tell Charlie to get lost and your ass would be in my backyard naked on a blanket!"

I laughed as well and replied, "Who says you have to be twenty years younger?"

She took my hand again, squeezed it tightly, and said, "No, Tony, that is one memory I would never steal from you. I have plenty of great memories of the times we were together and that is enough for me."

"I also have good memories of those times," I replied, "and I can never thank you enough for helping me get through those months."

She looked away and softly said, "It seems like such a long time ago but it also seems like it was just yesterday." I didn't say anything as I was still lost in my thoughts, then she turned back towards me and said, "I should be going soon and I'm sure you have things to do as well."

I said, "Thank you Elizabeth. For everything."

She let go of my hand and one more time placed both of her hands on my cheeks and gave me one of those soft kisses. I set the diary on my lap and wrapped both of my arms around her and pulled her into a kiss as well. A lovers kiss, soft but still passionate.

Elizabeth laughed and said, "I'm sure that will be in the newspaper tomorrow."

I laughed as well, then I carefully wrapped the diary back in the piece of white silk and retied the ribbon. We both got up and I walked her to her car.

I asked her, "Same time next year?"

She answered, "Why not? I'm all out of surprises so it will be a lot nicer. Take good care of yourself Tony," and she got into her car and closed the door.

I watched her drive away and walked back to my truck. I knew that I was done for the day so I called the client from my car cell phone and told them that I had gotten sick that morning and that I wasn't coming. They weren't real happy about it, but I really didn't want to be around anyone at that point. I left the cemetery and as I was driving down the road that led to the main highway, I remembered seeing a large garden shop that had opened not too far down from the intersection. I stopped in there and they had a floral department. I purchased another pink rose and went back to the cemetery. I trimmed a few inches off the stem of that rose with my pocketknife and put that in the vase as well.

Elizabeth would write in her next letter, "I went back to the cemetery a few days later to check on the rose and the vase. When I saw that second pink rose, I stood there and cried like I haven't cried in a long time."

After I got to my office, I got the candle out of it's hiding place, lit it and I called out to Katie, but it took a while for her to make presence known.

I said, "I know Katie and I am so sorry."

She told me in her special way, "It will all be okay Tony," and I felt that touch that I had come to know as Katie's kiss. I sat there for the next hour just staring at the candle and quietly enjoying her presence with me.

I also called Jean later that day. I told her about seeing Elizabeth, but I didn't say anything about knowing that Katie was pregnant or about the diary. I was sure there was still more to learn about Katie's pregnancy, but I had been through enough emotionally for one day.

The next day I finished up with the client that I canceled the day before. Friday I had work to do at a client that was a four hour drive from my office. So I after I was done on Thursday, I drove out to where they were located and spent the night in a motel. I decided that after getting back to the office on Wednesday, that I needed some time alone to read Katie's diary completely, which I did that night in the motel room. I'm a fast reader and any other book of this size, I would have been done with it in less than a half hour. I spent the better part of four hours reading it twice that night and the bottle of bourbon whiskey that I had brought along with me did little to make things any easier.

Katie wrote about everything that happened that year. There was an entry after every night and weekend that we had spent together, plus entries from other days and events as well. In a lot of ways it was similar to my notebook, except that it had been written as the events happened.

Reading that diary was a roller coaster ride of both happiness and sorrow. Every word, whether bursting with joy or coming from a pain deep in her soul, was done in that beautiful handwriting of hers. I thought I knew Katie well even though there were some details about her life that were still a mystery, like the hairbrush and her fear of the dark, but this showed me a lot about who Katie really was, even though those questions weren't answered. I loved her all the more after I was finished with it and echoing Elizabeth's thoughts, some of it did scare me. But I also knew that one day I would get Jean to fill in the final blanks about Katie's life.

I'm not going to share everything thing that was in there. These are just a few excerpts to give you a sense of her thoughts and in most cases, the actual entries are longer.

Wednesday November 12, 1980 6:30 PM. I found him! I went to buy a stereo yesterday and I found him! I have never felt like this about anyone and I don't know why I do. He didn't do or say anything special and I don't know the first thing about him other than his name is Tony. He doesn't have a wedding ring on, but a lot of guys don't wear them. I went back to his store today and asked him to meet me for a drink tonight. It was so special, I could tell he was very surprised. If it feels the same tonight, I am going to give myself to him. I know, stupid Katie looking for love with her legs spread but I trust those feelings more than whatever is racing through my heart right now.

Thursday November 13, 1980 6:45 PM. I did it! I could tell he was in shock that I wanted to go to bed with him. Tony was so nice. He made love to me with his every touch and every kiss. He didn't last long the first time and I knew that it bothered him, but I didn't care. When he came inside of me it felt so wonderful. Never has it felt so perfect! He is such a gentleman as well. He told me I was the most beautiful woman that he had ever been naked with and he said it from his heart. I know I'm moving too fast, but I want to know why I feel this way about him. I have to know!

Saturday November 15, 1980 9:15 AM. What a night! What a night! He was touching me and I came so very hard that it scared me with how powerful it was. I still can't believe how I feel about this guy. He told me that he wasn't afraid to get me pregnant and he said it with such love in his voice. I told him he could screw my butt, but instead he made the most wonderful love to me there. He was so gentle and caring. No one has ever been so nice to me like that. The orgasms were unreal and I am still shaking just thinking about them. I want to get control of these feelings but at the same time I want to just let them run wild. I'm being stupid and silly, but I'm also afraid, so damn afraid of what is going to happen.

Thursday November 20, 1980 7:00 PM. This morning I invited Tony over to my house for Saturday night and I am going to take him into my playroom. I can tell that he knows nothing at all about that kind of lovemaking. I hope I'm not doing the wrong thing. I'm afraid that I'm going scare him away or he is going think that I am some kind of freak. I am so torn between what I am and what I want to be. I talked to Jean tonight and she thinks I'm going too fast with him as well, but then she also thinks that I'm imagining all of this. Desperate was what she called me. Is it so damn wrong to want to want to know if these feelings are real?

Sunday November 23, 1980 8:45 PM. Damn it! I think I made a big mistake taking Tony into the playroom. I pushed him too fast and I know I spanked him too hard. He took them all but I could tell he was very scared. I let him have me as well, but I couldn't tell if he was enjoying what he was doing or if he was just going through the motions to please me. But then he made such wonderful love to me this morning like the night before had never happened. I had another one of those intense orgasms when he came and it felt so perfect having him inside of me. Damn it! Why can't I be normal? Why do I have to be this way? I was hoping that he would call me tonight but so far he hasn't. I'm going to be holding my breath until he calls me again. If he doesn't, I don't know what I am going to do. I am feeling very down. Please call me tomorrow Tony? Please?

Monday November 24, 1980 9:30 PM. He called! I tried not to sound too excited but my heart was pounding so very hard. I asked how he was doing and he said he was okay but I could sense that he's still confused about what went on this weekend. We are going out Wednesday night. He's probably expecting that I will go over to his place afterwards but I need some time. I hope he understands. I think he will. He's that kind of guy. No, he's not that kind of guy. He's not like any other guy I have ever met before. I hope I can make this last!

Wednesday November 26, 1980 11:45 PM. We had a nice time tonight, but I could tell that he was disappointed that I wasn't going to his apartment. He is going to his parents for Thanksgiving tomorrow and I'm going to Mom's house. I told him I was going there tonight. I hate to lie to him, but I need to try and sort things out. I asked him if he wanted to come back over my house this weekend. He has to work until 9:00 PM because of it being the Christmas season, but I told him that was okay. He asked me if we were going back to the playroom and I said only if you want to. He asked me if it was going to be any worse than last week and I told him no. Then he looked me in the eye and said if makes you happy, I'll do it. Damn it! Now I am the one who is confused. But the way he looks at me, kisses me, and holds my hand, I know he's feeling what I am feeling. I just pray that one day I find the courage to tell him.

Sunday December 21, 1980 7:00 PM. What a great weekend! Tony got me this lovely pajama set for Christmas and I acted like a jerk because it was green. But I put it on and it is so beautiful. I couldn't believe how nice it looked on me and Tony told me how beautiful I looked in it as well. We spent the entire night out in the living room, dancing and making love on the couch bed by the lights of my Christmas tree. This was the most special night that I have ever spent with anyone. I have never felt so loved in my whole life as I did on Saturday night. How I wish I could tell him! I know he wants to tell me that he loves me but I keep stopping him. Jean keeps saying that if I don't tell him soon that I am going to lose him. She is right, but that doesn't make it any easier. I don't know what I will do if that happens.