Joel & Mrs. Evans 01
Neighborhood book clubs, right? I've been running on empty and squirting steam for the past couple of weeks! I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm having the sexual time of my life, but still, right? It's non-stop book club issues, not that I'm complaining. But on a high note, I'm happy to report that my co-worker Henry and that mysterious Butch guy seemed to have reconnected, not that I was interested in seeing that, but I guess I got one eye full of that over at Darla's house, so I have surgery scheduled soon to have that eye removed and melted down.
Anyways, like I said, the book club members may have a few years on me, but they are hard to keep up with, LOL, especially when my number one, Annie Atkins makes such a strict schedule.
Also, sexual energy drinks and supplements just don't work as advertised.
"Yoo-hoo, hello? Young man?" Hello?
"One moment please while I stack this bag of feed, OK, hello, what can I do for you today? Mulch? Top soil? Butter? Rope? Oh, holy snap Chapel, Mrs. Evans, what are you doing here? And please tell me that you need hanging flower baskets? And, ah, I see that still refuse to go anywhere without the Good Book in your hand."
"Praise the Almighty, Joel. I'm here to intervene and become your savior in the flesh!"
"On a Thursday, Mrs. Evans?"
"Praise all of our days, young man. Now, before I slap you up side of the head with my Good Book, I'll give you one chance to repent and see the truth."
"Ah, geez, Mrs. Evans, is it really so bad if I wait until I'm 30 to repent? Unless repent means to pull myself up by the boot strings and give it the old college try."
"I do declare as the Almighty is my witness, you're on a path of sin, Joel."
"Alright, fine, preach to me sister and tell me what's on your mind. I mean, with the customers I have been with all summer, I mean, why not, right?"
"Praise be the Good Book. I was walking around that new-fangled inter-web and I came upon a book club (Praise be), so I took a chance, took my Good Book, paid my dues, (Praise be) and do you know what I found as soon as they locked the door behind me, Joel?"
"Actually, Mrs. Evans, I don't know what you found. I'm an honorary member, but I've never actually attended one of the book club meetings, so why don't you do declare and enlighten me, LOL?"
"Praise the Almighty and have mercy on the one who makes jokes. Joel, I found six female children of the Almighty and they were all sitting around in their fancy under garments and drinking the devil's juice, I do declare! And the sins I witnessed, Joel, the sins of the flesh without any men folk around!"
Ah, under garments? I mean, I think I understand the devil's juice and LOL, men folk, but fancy under garments? Well, at least, praise be, she didn't call them bloomers, right?
"I declare young Mr. Joel, their bloomers were not basic white and their brassieres were from another world, praise be the writings of the good book!"
"Alright then, Mrs. Evans, look, modern women, you know, beyond the 4th century are proud of their bodies and everyone enjoys the feel and the look of modern lingerie. The world doesn't stop spinning because of a little cleavage exposure or hints of side boob. And by the way, praise be modern times."
"Hide from the Almighty, their dirty sin bags were exposed everywhere, Joel. Their dirty sin bags were exposed in every direction, I do declare. And their modern bloomers, Joel, I swear by the Good Book, they were no bigger than a napkin, the shame, Joel, the shame, not to mention that were shaped like the devil's triangle. The things I seen, Joel, the things I seen."
"I see, so, shall we circle back to the beginning and start with how you walked around the inter-web?"
"Preach to me brother, praise be."
"OK, log back into the devil's web so you can surf around and search for "lingerie" and you don't need to include the word "modern" or anything, but don't be afraid to include the word "sexy" either."
"My head is lowered my preaching brother, guide me down the path."
"Alright, look Mrs. Evans, you have to find your own style, so purchase one or two items at a time. You know, try bikini cut panties, or maybe a thong and don't be afraid to try a shelf bra or even a corset. Every website includes a few models and photos, so surf around."
"Praise be, Joel, praise be, but do show me the way to the light and enlighten me as to what that Cindi whore does with all those sticks of butter? And praise be the size of her dirty sin bags, am I right? I mean, how could the heavens create such huge dirty sin bags? Also, do I need to stock up on butter sticks?"
"Oh, well, let's not read that far ahead in the Good Book just yet and no, you don't need a few extra sticks of butter, so we'll find another path of sin for you. Your dirty sinful fun bags aren't exactly made for a stick of butter, but the Almighty created everyone different, right?"
"Praise be the curse on my chest. Is that why I never many men folk around, Joel? Preach to me my brother, save me."
"Not really, Mrs. Evans. It's probably more because you slap men folk in the head with your Good Book every single time that they glance at you. Believe me, everyone likes boobs at the end of the day, no matter the shape or size. I mean, men folk, women folk, white tail deer, everyone likes boobs."
"Wash your mouth, Joel with such language like boobs, praise be the writings and curse the sin bags that the heavens make women bare."
"OK, listen, everyone likes titties and they make lingerie that will push them up, push them out and even pull them in when that's appropriate, like when the night comes that you decide to wear only one dress or robe or whatever the hell all that stuff you wear is. I mean, you were at the book club meeting and I know how fond Mrs. Atkins is of a nice push up bra, so, wasn't she sexy and attractive?"
"I have sinned Joel, I have sinned. Her sin bag mounds caught my attention. I have been shamed."
"And did you accidently slip as you reached for the sign out sheet? And was it her usual red? And those are some mounds, am I right?"
"I am destined for damnation, Joel, eternal damnation! Her red blood vessels called to me, they called to me like the devil himself. I have sinned with my eyes and my fingers!"
"Yeah, yeah, yeah, listen most website offer overnight or two-day shipping, if you're interested in that and I believe that you have what they call an Apple butt under your 7 dresses, which just might look nice in a Brazilian cut high waisted thong. Or whatever you find that you like. It's your given body, so work with it."
"The Apple started it all, Joel, we are all damned forever."
