Where to begin? I guess to properly understand any enlightenment, you have to start at the beginning and understand the darkness before it. My wife and I are two very sexual people. Hell, when we were planning our wedding we scored best on the “sexual” elements of the somewhat ridiculous Elements of Marriage survey than anything else. That was about five years ago, a lot has changed since. In the interim we have had three boys, I work multiple jobs, and she is returning to school among all those other elements of two people sharing a life together – money, family, friends, personal goals and desires, hell, just life. Stress was a given. All in all we would handle it well. But that sex life that was once so great, had fallen victim to the stresses, frustrations, disappointments, concerns, and even to a degree jealousies that have developed since. You see, we opened our marriage last year and had a few experiences. Our sex life, mutual trust, consideration, respect, and devotion had been so solid that we were willing to try some new interests. One of which blew up in our faces. Nothing permanent or violent, but between the issues around a few specific events, it has affected us nonetheless. In fact, we haven’t had sex in the almost seven months since then. Then, one night, that all changed …..
It had been another one of those days. I just wanted to let out a scream and knew that home was going to be somewhat challenging. I knew that Terri had been somewhat stressed out this week from school requirements and the boys were particularly irritable since they were all sick. It was one of those drive’s home where you just knew it was going to be a bad situation. I threw a CD in to motivate me a little better and decided I would vent now and make the best of it. Somewhere between “Break Stuff” and “Headstrong” I realized my life was not so bad. Frustrating at times, aggravating, and extremely pent up lately, but not unmanageable or unrewarding. In fact, I was getting somewhat numb to the idea of our sexual misalignment as was resolving to “get myself a girlfriend” as Terri had suggested. Feeling somewhat disappointed in our on-going situation, I arrived home better tempered and ready for hell to be unleashed.
Amazingly, it wasn’t bad. Terri had the boys at the table already and they hadn’t napped today. So despite their ill manner, an early bed-time was to be looked forward to with some peace. Hell, even Terri was in a good mood and kissed me and welcomed me home. Had a Jack and Coke ready for me and something simple for dinner as well. This is one of those moments I use to think to myself that an evening of extremely satisfying and tension relieving sex might lay ahead. Then I stopped myself realizing it was unlikely. It was very unlikely. Terri had still made it very clear she wasn’t ready for it just this morning. Just the same, I was happy for the good mood and the thoughtfulness of dinner and the drink. I remember thinking I must have tipped her off somehow on what kind of day I had when we spoke earlier.
From there the night was somewhat uneventful. We tried to eat a relaxed dinner – do you have three kids? We talked about the day’s events. We shared the moron stories in my day and hers, which is always good for a laugh. We caught each other up on the recent issues with her family and mine. Just talked. We played with the boys a bit and eventually got them bathed and ready for bed. All the while we teased and joked a little bit between us. Nothing overly obvious, but it was nice since we hadn’t really done much in the way of flirting in the previous months. I really missed it and knowing she wanted me. I took it at face value and left it alone.
Once the boys were in bed we retired to the couch to watch a movie. We would change in to a t-shirt and pajama pants each and relax while we rubbed each other’s feet. She had a glass of wine, myself with another Jack and Coke, we settled in to see what was on. We got in to some corny movie on cable and laughed a bit. Felt uncomfortable during a risqué scene. But, I had to comment, “I so miss kissing you like that” I added. And with that, I usually got a roll of the eyes. But this time, she moved my foot against her breast and seemingly, intentionally, rubbed it against her. She never looked at me, and I didn’t say a word. Nothing seemed to happen from there for a while afterwards.
But, you know how Hollywood is it wasn’t long before another scene that was leading to sex was provided. This time, I didn’t say anything. Didn’t look at her. Didn’t want to. The tension had been so much at times in the recent months neither of us knew what to say. And then. Almost as if we were transferred back to a time we were casual and fun with sex, she said to me “Do you know I have wanted you? Do you
know
it?”
I could only respond “no” and turn away from her, or the scene on the television.
I had felt like I was shunned for months. I had felt like my warmth and companionship was important, but that my touch and desire was un-welcomed. To this day I am looking for my fairy godmother, spirit, magical star, or heavenly deity that smiled on me to thank for what happened next. Without provocation or spoken word, she leaned over and kissed me. And I mean kissed me. Not one of the “you are important to me and I love you” peck of assurance type kisses. Not an “I am sorry you are hurting” friendly kiss of support. This was passion, pure and longingly missed. This was “I want you and have missed you too” all wrapped in to one not so simple pressing of her lips to mine. I had missed that so much it felt like my world was spinning to feel it again. I felt wanted again. And not by someone who was an opportunity for sex and physical pleasure. But, by my wife, the one woman I wanted for my lifetime. The one kiss seemed to last for minutes, though I know it was only seconds. I remember feeling it went on and on and yet when it abruptly ended, I wanted it more. I felt like I was in high school again and the pure lust between my legs began to take over when my head so rudely interrupted. “This doesn’t mean she wants you”, I said to myself. It is a step, it is just a step toward what you want and so desperately hope she wants too.
“Don’t fuck it up”.
“You won’t” she replied.
My god I had said that aloud. I thought for a moment and realized, “I won’t?”
“No” she emphasized. “I have noticed your working out lately and losing weight like I have been. I have heard your commenting on how good I look and I realized” she continued while I resisted just jumping across the couch and engulfing her in my arms. “I realized that we make mistakes. That we both have. An that we are both responsible people who have committed this lifetime to each other.”
I waited patiently as possible for her to tell me where this might, or for the love of god, could, go.
“I miss you and want you ….. I want you now.”
Before she could finish explaining her feelings to me I could resist no more. I seemingly leaped across the couch to her lips again and kissed her with such passion and desire from what had been building for so long that I think I took both of our breath away. And then I stopped. I felt I was probably going too fast too soon. We had been there before a few months earlier and I was actually proud of myself for the thinking of it and I just stopped. For the moment I was scared. Petrified. I thought the situation was going to explode and that we would be talking divorce again in a few hours or days because of it.
And then she reminded me why I love her so. That we are almost always on the same page and simply said, “I know. I want to try too.”
