*This story involves extramarital sex. If that bothers you it's likely best not to read past this*
There is always a moment between impulse and realization; the moment of indecision in which the action could go either way. That moment could be years of indirect contemplation spaced out over many impulses leading in the same direction, or simply one flash where the pros and cons become blurred. The beans that fall on the side of "do" or fall on the side of "don't" are counted quickly and a direction is taken in both the former and the latter. The process in hindsight seems automatic and that the action was predetermined as if somehow I didn't have control of the decisions made. Most impulses are controlled and the better sense of reason prevails, even for an admitted impulsive person such as me. On the other hand, once I give into an impulse my mind seems one tracked in terms of following it to its completion, as if the breaks in my mental constitution failed a long time ago.
At 41 years of age I seem to be getting these impulses more and more often. I almost feel like I'm missing something if I don't act on them. Something that I'd regret and no matter how selfish the indulgence I feel the need for the experience. Selfish because in many ways I have a lot of the things in life people strive for and that people say will make them happy. I have well-paying job and am married to a hardworking and supportive man, two wonderful kids. We live in a big house, two cars, go on vacations and have a savings. I have my health and know that I'm not too old to be attractive. I don't have the same body I had 20 years ago, but I stay active and maintain my weight. I have long brown hair that curls a bit at the bottom that I sometimes straighten, dark brown almost greyish eyes in some light, I wear glasses sometimes but more often have contacts, medium sized breasts and long legs. A lot of people notice my hips and they are still a source of compliments. I like to dress in a way to highlight my best features, usually deep colours. I like to wear skirts to work when I can and prefer half circle or pencil skirts that fit high on my hips.
Despite being usually pretty busy at work I'm quite prone to daydreaming, a bad habit that causes me to mix things up sometimes. I do it while I drive, watch the kids' activities, take measurements of samples and pretty much whenever the mood takes me. My daydreams can be fantastical in nature to mundane to sexual. I work in a testing lab and I often find myself imagining that I somehow make the next breakthrough that changes the course of history; that's the fantastical. The mundane would just be something as simple as daydreaming about a quiet weekend. The sexual can vary from things i've done to dark stuff that I'd never ever do. I seem to get a favourite one and then move on or add to it. The daydreaming is a source of a lot of my impulses. I know that most see excessive daydreaming as a problem but I get enjoyment out of it and don't want to give that up even though I have considered that I should. I enjoy each type of metal wandering but the sexual ones seem to come popping up the most and these days at an almost uncontrollable rate. In fact, it's been this way for the past number of years. I went to a doctor and it was suggested there could be biological reasons, subconsciously knowing that my days of fertility are coming close to an end. Even in the light that I certainly don't want anymore kids the suggestion wasn't completely outlandish.
The other reason I fill my head with dreams is because I don't have the most active social life. Likely an extension of being shy and introverted as a kid and teenager. I broke out of my shell of sorts in university but the idea of maintaining lasting relationships with multiple people is never one I completely understood. I'm also the sort of person that spends time thinking about whether or not an imaginary number is any less real than a real number or if rational numbers are inherently more rational than irrational numbers. Neither of these topics draw crowds at social gatherings. As a result my social life is mostly at home and with my one best friend who has held that status for 20 years now.
At work I have acquaintances and am on friendly terms with most people that don't mind my spacey moments spent inside my own head. During one of my regular daydreams one such acquaintance broke my interlude of indulgence and asked, "Michelle, would you like to go out for lunch"
Snapping into reality, "of course Angie, that would be a lot of fun"
I really meant it, I loved hanging out with Angie, she was energetic and had an irresistible personality that made me feel a part of the gossip she would dish, all the while not resenting her for being a gossiper; something she certainly is. As silly as it sounds she also makes me feel cool. There's no doubt she was a popular girl, a gorgeous smile and a way of making the people around them feel like they matter. The type of social butterfly who could even befriend a lab rat like myself. Angie is an admin assistant to one of the directors in the building, I can never keep track of all these directors but the one she worked for is outside of my department. Nevertheless she has something to say about everyone and I'm having the guilty pleasure of laughing at every work and encouraging her to give me more. I don't get the chance to talk with her often and it was really lifting my spirits.
The gossip of work being almost exhausted the topic fell to dating. Angie hard no reservations about discussing her sex life and not surprisingly it's very active.
"how many guys have you seen this year?"
"ummmmm maybe 15" she says after a short pause for the calculator in her head to do the math.
There isn't a hint of shame in her voice or manner, but I'm sure there was a touch of jealousy in my response.
"How do you meet them? It's only May!"
"Mostly online" she says as a matter of fact.
"You just meet strangers and go to bed?" my voice cracking a little in disbelief.
"Not always bed.........there are also kitchen tables, sofas, backs of cars and balconies." Angie says laughing quite loudly to inject a bit of humour and call attention to my naivety.
Still dumbstruck at her uncoerced confession, "Why can't you just meet guys somewhere else? What if you meet a psychopath?"
"umm I dunno, everyone does it, just easy so everyone knows what their looking for before" she says as if explaining a simple concept to someone who should have gotten it ages ago.
"What site do you go to"
Laughing loudly Angie says, "you thinking about giving it a go?"
My entire face turns red in the moment I realize she's seen past my own realization that I was in fact gathering information it check it out. I hadn't even gotten that far in my thought process but she is perceptive of what people want and her eyes are telling me that she knows exactly what I will be thinking. She tells me the details as if in approval of my curiosity and tells me that they even have a section for married people.
"I wouldn't!" I say in full knowledge that I'm only two years removed from my affair. "I'm just curious to see what it's all about, I'm not going to sign up or anything" rambling over the words Angie gives me no indication that I need to explain myself to her anyways. The cheque comes and I pick it up, which is sort of understood when a more senior employee takes an admin to lunch regardless of who asks who to go.
The rest of the day I think about the conversation, all the sex she is having, how in control of it she seems. I feel jealous but not resentful, I like Angie and know that she probably feels some jealousy toward me too. It's nothing I keep telling myself, it's nothing but something for her to do, she might not even really like it. I think about how dirty it would be to meet someone for sex like that, I think about what sorts of people would do that. My daydreams give ways to images of rebels 10 times badder than James Dean, full of muscles and tattoos and chains all the things that I'm not even attracted to I laugh to myself.
I get home and it's business as usual. I'm making dinner, prying information from the kids and waiting for my husband to get home so we can all be in one place. My son is 19 and in university still not sure what he wants to do with himself except going out to party. He's doing his best to ignore me while my daughter is doing her best to tell me about everything and anything that's happening at her school that it's hard to digest any of it. All of the girls who aren't talking to each other seemed to imply a monastery of silence in her 8th grade class. Her dance lessons are later in the evening and I absolutely love taking her.
Dinner is mostly my husband talking about the laundry list of incompetencies at work and it's not like he's wrong but the sort of thing tires easily on me. For me, if you can't change it than learn to work with it. My husband it quite smart and good at his job, so he has little patience for those who aren't. The only problem is that the swirl of negativity that he catches himself in brings a gloomy tone to the house. Our daughter becomes less excited about all the people she talked or didn't talk to today and our son doesn't veil his disinterest as he announces his plans to get drunk this evening. Not in those words but I can catch the meaning of going to a party and can't drive there.
My daughters lessons are just more daydreaming for me. The dreams are turning to impulses. I want to see who is on that thing. Maybe I can find Angie? Wouldn't that be funny? The overall naivety I really have for the online dating world doesn't even occur to me in passing. I'm having way too much fun thinking about my misconceptions.
I tell my husband that I'm going to stay up a little late when he tell me it's time for bed. This is nothing unusual as my sleeping patterns are erratic at best. I can be soundly asleep by 9:30 or a complete insomniac not getting a single wink before going to work again. My motivation isn't insomnia this time, it's to check out the website Angie told me about.
"Damn" I say in frustration as it tells me to make a profile before I can enter. I don't want to make a profile, I just want to voyeur, look into the dirty windows of others while keeping my anonymity. What's wrong with that?!
Fine, I'll make a profile.......choose a name.......enter your email........password........repeat password........wait for confirmation email.............well this is tedious.
Got my email and I should be ready to look at some profiles. Nope! Questions...........body type - slim/average..............hair - brown......height 5'7".........level of education - not saying............income - wtf?..........birth sign - really?............personality questions - well I'm not doing those............-enter-
-You must fill out your profile to continue- at this point I'm ready to forget the whole thing but some part of me is invested in seeing it through. So I write:
I'm a 38 year old woman (yeah a lie) looking to look around -enter-
-profile must be over 100 characters- So I continue.....
