This is Part Two of a two-part story.
I realize now that the timing of that phone call was something, not just fortuitous, but providential, perhaps the divine intervention that had eluded me previously. I know that sounds pompous and self-indulgent, but after what Luna had said to me last evening about how others in the office perceived me, I knew my personal life was desperately in need of profound change, and if the help I needed to effect that change came from destiny, kismet, or the grace of some nebulous deity didn't much matter to me. However it arrived, I needed the help.
But it really wasn't how others saw me that bothered me; it was how I saw myself. I didn't want to be just another asshole that slept around with anyone he could find. I wanted to make it clear that I loved and appreciated women for much more than their sexuality, and I wanted them to appreciate the real me and love me, both because of my best qualities and despite my worst foibles. Truth be told, what I did in the bedroom was only a piece of me, but now with testosterone coursing through me like a runaway train, that was how people understood me, and, unfortunately, how I had come to understand myself.
I guess I thought that, before that day, I was too young to have been having a mid-life crisis, but, increased testosterone or not, that was exactly what I had been experiencing for the past two years. At some point, something had to give, and I realize now, that phone call was what was going to prompt the inevitable to happen.
"I'm doing well, Jason! Thank you for asking. I've missed you." The sexy accent that spilled from my office phone sounded upbeat and hopeful, but after that initial, short burst of buoyant optimism, Caitlynn fell mute and so after the void lasted a bit longer than I thought comfortable, I spoke up.
"I missed you too, Caitlynn," I said, trying to break the awkward silence. And then after another shorter pause, "To what do I owe the honor of this call?" It was probably unnecessarily blunt, a fairly tacky thing to say, considering our past together, and the moment the words left my lips, I regretted them.
I didn't mean to be snide or sarcastic, but I was pretty certain that I had just come off that way. In my defense, I hadn't heard from her in such a long time – 18 months to be precise – so I assumed that something business-related had prompted the call. Besides, she had phoned me at work, so I didn't think that this was "personal," even if I
had
told Luna as much.
Still, however she received my question, it didn't seem to faze Caitlynn. "Jason, let me get right to the first of the two things that I need to tell you. I know you're busy, and to be quite honest, so am I. But, straightaway, I feel like I owe you an apology." Upon first blush, an apology from Caitlynn seemed odd. We hadn't seen each other in a long time, so what exactly could she possibly feel the need to apologize for?
"Jason, I feel badly that I just stopped ringing you so suddenly all those months ago, never bothering to explain why I let the bridge between us burn. I figured that you probably felt like you had done something wrong, and I just wanted to let you know that that wasn't the case at all. The truth is really quite the opposite. I'm sorry I waited all this time to tell you that."
I was surprised to say the least. It hadn't really registered with me that Caitlynn was the one who had ended our two months of phone sex. It was true that she almost always initiated those calls, but if I had wanted them to continue, there was nothing stopping me from picking up the phone myself. How could I have blamed her for not contacting me, when I had done nothing to keep the relationship alive myself?
It just seemed to me that we had both somehow mutually tired of getting our rocks off over some satellite connection when it seemed obvious that we could just as easily have been doing so with a real person. That's what I had done with Mercedez Pequeño, and knowing how stunning Caitlynn was, it made sense to me that, living as she did in the largest city in the country, she would have had little trouble finding a real flesh and blood male to satisfy her sexual needs.
But it went beyond that. I had come to believe that I was wrong about Caitlynn's feelings for me – that I was on the losing end of a case of unrequited love. So I gave up, chalking the slow slide into breaking up to a shared dissatisfaction with phone sex.
"Caitlynn, I don't blame you for having burned the bridge. I don't think you did. I guess I always thought that we both just sort of got bored with having sex over the phone. That was really all we were doing, wasn't it? Besides, I'm every bit as guilty as you are; I should have reached out to you, too."
"Maybe," she paused, "but I think there was something more going on between us than that, and I regret that I just let things fizzle out. I thought you should know that the reason I stopped talking to you was that I started up with someone else, and when I did, I really thought that it might turn into something serious. Even though I was with that guy for about a year and a half, ultimately, what I thought would happen, didn't happen – I just broke up with him two months ago – but I wanted you to know that it wasn't anything that you did or did not do that caused me to stop ringing you."
Well, there it was! At least, I thought what she'd just said was significant. Maybe I was wrong to jump to conclusions, but wasn't it possible that this phone call was prompted by Caitlynn's breakup? Didn't it make sense that she might have been calling me because of the disappointment of things not working out with this other guy? And having been away from this guy for what, two months, maybe she was interested in reigniting something with me? Then, in the blink of an eye, I second-guessed myself again and decided that was all absurd.
"Well, thank you, Caitlynn, that's good to know. I'm sorry that relationship didn't work out for you. You deserve to be happy." I didn't really know what else to say at that point. It wasn't that Caitlynn's call had revealed any particularly earth-shattering news – at least not yet – so rehashing her motivations from 18 months ago didn't seem all that important to me.
Nonetheless, she was an incredibly beautiful woman, and I was pretty sure that I had been falling for her all those months ago, so just hearing that voice was a treat, and visualizing in my mind's eye her stunning physical form was a wonderful way to exercise my imagination. But then the delight in those two sensory stimuli was quickly overshadowed by what Caitlynn had to say next.
"Cheers, Jason. That's so lovely of you to wish that for me. You're too sweet! Anyway, the other thing that I wanted to tell you is that I'm going to be coming out to California next week, and I was hoping to be able to see you. Will you be around next Wednesday or Thursday?"
Maybe I was right after all, I thought. Her wanting to see me was a good sign, and god knows, I was curious to see Caitlynn, too. I wondered how much she had changed, but whether she had or had not was immaterial. It's pretty hard to mess with perfection, and Caitlynn was pretty close to perfect.
"Yeah, of course, I'll be around, and I would love to see you, too, Caitlynn! It's been a long time. I'm sure we can work something out. Where are you going to be staying? Do you want me to come to see you or will you be here in Santa Cruz? If you are going to be here in town and want to stay with me, I have plenty of room at my house, if that's helpful. What are you thinking?"
"Thank you for the lovely offer, Jason. Maybe I'll leave that decision up to you, but let me give you the details of my stay. The reason for my trip is work-related; I have to be in our company's San Jose office for a couple of days, so that's what – about 30 miles from you? The company is paying for a hotel room for my stay – at the
Westin
– so I have a nice place in San Jose if you want to come up to see me or if you prefer, I can come down there."
"My plane arrives late Wednesday morning. I need to go into the office as soon as I arrive, and I'll be there until 5:00 p.m. or so. After that, I'm free until the next morning when I need to be in the office again by about 9:00 a.m. Then, I'll need to stay again until 5:00 or 6:00 on Thursday. I have a flight back to New York leaving early on Friday morning. We might be able to schedule some time together either Wednesday or Thursday night or both."
I was disappointed to hear that her motivation in coming west appeared to have nothing to do with me, and it seemed to me that all my hopeful assumptions had been dashed. Nonetheless, I was happy that I would get a chance to see her. I thought about it, and it seemed like she would have a more difficult time coming to see me here than I would have going to see her in San Jose.
Besides, I thought it made more sense for me to head up to her hotel; that, I surmised, might be a safer bet. If I was out of town, neither Nicky, Carolina, or Luna could surprise us at my house, and I might successfully avoid a potentially ugly scene. Besides, I knew that area of downtown San Jose where she was staying, and that gave me an idea.
"You know what, Caitlynn? Maybe coming up there
