I sat in the hotel lobby room waiting for Tamar. I whiled away the time with the current edition of the Jerusalem Post and numerous cups of Israeli
kafeh botz
. The cut and thrust of Israeli politics was interesting enough but what I really wanted were the latest CFL football scores. That day in Israel, the sports pages consisted of third-rate soccer teams from seedy West Bank settlements playing on the pitches of dismal Negev communities. Nothing about the Alouettes or the Argos. Obviously Canada wasnât at the top of an Israeliâs thoughts.
Originally, I set out on this trip to find my Israeli girl friend, Tamar, to take her back with me to Canada. I found her all right, in an ultra-Orthodox religious commune in Mea Shearim, the unfriendliest place on earth next to Mecca for an infidel like me. It just blew my mind to think of Tamar as a religious fanatic. Was she now so goody-goody Jewish that she wouldnât consider balling a gentile like me? On the other hand, with some people, religious passion is interchangeable with sexual passion. Think televangelist for example. So, becoming more religious might mean that now Tamar was even more interested in sex. Since I agreed to meet Tamar, I must have faith in assumption #2.
If the first assumption were correct, Tamar wouldnât be impressed by my recent romp through a varied assortment of Israeli cunt. So far, in one short week, I fucked Tamarâs old boss, Tamarâs worst enemy, Tamarâs best friend, an unconscious
Ulpan
teacher, one of Tamarâs former students and my hotelâs desk clerk in a threesome with her
blondini
girlfriend.
Then there was Tammy Fink, the compulsive talker/peeler/hairdresser/personal services agent who mistook me for one of her paying customers. Should I count Tammy as a fuck on this trip? After all, she was so tough and the Israeli rubber she used was so thick that I never came. Tammy must have ground on top of my
zain
for ten minutes without results. Now, thereâs a Zen koan equivalent to âIf a tree falls in the forest with no one to hear, is there any sound?â Answer this one. âIf you poke a hooker and you donât ejaculate, have you really fucked?â
There was no doubt in my mind about whether I fucked Miriam Kessim, Tamarâs
Ulpan
student. Miriam was Falasha, a rape victim from the civil war in Ethiopia. She was just a shy and frightened child when we first met. In the two days we spent together, Miriam changed into a confident woman. I grew so fond of Miriam that I was a few millimeters away from falling in love with her and forgetting Tamar. If we spent any more time together, I wouldnât be in Jerusalem right now. So, itâs probably just as well that Miriam slipped away from me in the middle of the night.
I suppose that, even if you count Miriam as love and donât place her in the generic fuck category, I still racked up a respectable score for a tourist spending just a week in a small country. Despite all the assorted road nookie, I just couldnât get Tamar off my mind. Tamar was beautiful, intelligent, articulate, apparently religious and the best piece of ass I ever had. It was five years since I last saw Tamar, not counting our brief encounter the day before. My mind returned to what she had become over those five years.
Too much thinking always makes me hungry. So, I bought a
boureka
and a Hebrew newspaper from the coffee shop and went back to my chair in the lobby, just in case Tamar showed up. I have trouble reading Hebrew at the best of times but
Maariv
uses a weird font and thereâs no
nikudot
(vowels) to help with the pronunciation. Whereâs Vanna White when you really need to purchase a vowel? I took my first bite of my
boureka,
when I heard Tamarâs BBC-accented voice behind me:
â
Beteh Avon
.â That just means â
bon appetit
â in Hebrew. Iâve always wondered why the English never wish each other a âgood appetiteâ. I suppose that a race of people that dines on bubble and squeak with spotted dick for dessert, all washed down with warm beer, canât appreciate being wished a âgood appetiteâ. My musings on food etiquette were interrupted by Tamarâs instructions, as she stood in front of me.
âGet up and follow me out the door as if weâre friends. We donât have much time. I got away from the yeshiva because I went to the
mikveh
(ritual bath). Theyâre expecting me back soon so we donât have much time. Remember not to touch me. And maybe you can tell me why that red-headed desk clerk is giving me such dirty looks?â
I could hardly recognize Tamar. Yesterday, in Mea Shearim, Tamar just peeked out the door. I caught a glimpse in the shadows of a Semitic beauty with long black hair. In the light of day, I couldnât help but notice she was dressed in an unflattering old-fashioned long-sleeved dress, the ultra-Orthodox Jewâs answer to the Afghan
burkah
. Tamar looked as if she had gained weight. I hoped that it was just her bulky clothing. I checked if she was wearing a wig. Her hair was long and natural, but lifeless. No wig on an Orthodox woman means no husband yet. That was reassuring. Tamar had lost her olive complexion and was rather pasty-faced. Was her faded beauty the result of too many meals of brisket and cabbage followed by too many hours of studying
Shulchan Aruk
? Like a real man, I lied through my teeth.
âHey Tamar, you look great! Yeah, we have to talk. Iâm sure that the last five years have been as dull for you as they were for me.â
Keeping a respectable distance between us, we went out for a walk. A long walk. We had five years of separation to overcome and it wasnât easy for Tamar. A guy can jump back into bed with a lover after a five year hiatus, maybe even ten years later, no problem at all. Women are different, in case you havenât noticed. Tamar was a real woman, so we had to go through all that interpersonal relationship and feelings shit before she would even accept a cup of coffee from me.
Much of what Tamar had to say hurt me deeply. It wasnât just the other guys sheâd been with. It wasnât because she thought I was her intellectual inferior. It was her bitterness that I waited five years before returning to Israel. I tried to explain about Daniellah Argov and the Mossad pursuing me for those five years. A bitter, angry woman doesnât listen to valid excuses. If I wasnât so much in love with Tamar, I could have hurt her back with some readings from my short-term sexual rap sheet. Instead of hitting back, I listened like a good little boy to get where I wanted to be.
I wonât bore you guys with all the details about the interpersonal stuff, feelings, etc. Youâve been through enough of that with your own woman. As for you women, you donât need any more ammunition to use on your poor
schmuck
. Once Tamar was satisfied that she had dumped on me enough, we sat down at a cafĂŠ and talked about things a guy can deal with, like reality. A latte with some whipped cream pastries and Tamarâs mood improved immeasurably. So, letâs cut to the facts and skip the feelings.
ââŚso, when Mossi got out of jail, he headed straight for Kibbutz Hagafen. I left before he got there and went straight to Mea Shearim. That was the one place I was sure heâd never look for me. I got a job teaching English in the yeshiva of a famous
rebbe
, Rabbi Shlomo Putz. I have to dress the part or these
haredi
women refuse to learn from someone âoutsideâ.â
âI know Mossiâs been out of jail for a couple of years. He almost caught up to me in Beâer Sheva last week. Do you know that he married Delilah Toledano, the biggest slut in Beâer Sheva?â