I laughed at that, then flopped down on the queen-size bed waiting for her to get out of the bathroom so that I could shower. As I stared at the Asian-patterned ceiling I smiled to myself, thinking back on what a journey our lives had been. Holly and I were both 19, and right now we were travelling Asia for a few months before starting college. Holly and I were attending the same college since it wasn't too far from home, so you would think that we wouldn't mind some time apart before spending 4 more years together. But if you knew us, you would think the exact opposite.
Holly and I have been friends since I moved into the neighborhood at the age of 7. For the first 9 or so years, we had had a typical (but also very close) girl/boy friendship: a lot of teasing, making fun of each other, pulling on pigtails, etc. You get the point. But around my 17th birthday, when my then-girlfriend Taylor dumped me, I fell for Holly. Hard. At first she was just there for me, constantly comforting me, helping me out at school, visiting me day after day, and doing things with me all the time to take my mind off of the breakup. And, for her, I think, that's all it was. But for me, that's when things changed.
At first, I thought I was just being silly. I had a lot of reasons to believe my feelings for Holly weren't genuine; I was rebounding, hurting, vulnerable. She was being so caring and motherly about the whole thing, but I was just mistaking my gratitude towards a best friend for other feelings. I thought that must have been it. But then I started comparing. Comparing my experiences with Taylor to those that I had had with Holly. I'd always assumed that the warm feeling I got inside when I saw Holly was just a deep friendship, but it occurred to me in those moments that I never got that feeling, or anything even remotely close when I was with Taylor, even though I had thought that I loved her. The realizations all came at once and flooded my mind, and I was all of a sudden in love with my best friend.
But the worst part, the part that I would always regret, was that I did nothing about it. I was scared. I knew our bond was close, but I also knew women were generally more emotional than men. Because of that, I doubted my ability to judge whether or not she felt the same way I felt, and, since I was loathe to do any little thing that could ruin our friendship, I simply did nothing. Of course, that didn't stop me from throwing in the odd hint here and there to gauge her reactions. In a way, our relationship grew to a new level because of it, but it was still one step shy of where I wanted it to be. I wonder what she was thinking when I showed her my new favourite song, "Lucky I'm In Love With My Best Friend"...
"Ta da! How do I look?" Holly asked as she burst out the bathroom door.
She was wearing a gorgeous purple dress that cut off slightly above the knees. It was tight and revealing, but not enough to get anyone in trouble. I was gonna be in trouble though if I couldn't peel my eyes away from her wonderful 34C breasts and adorable bubble butt. Actually, that word was perfect for Holly. Adorable. She had the cutest face, button nose, and a hint of freckles across her cheeks. Best of all, she was only 5'6". I like shorter girls. Her hair was brown and it hung just below her shoulders. Now, however, it was styled simply but very effectively to hang straight and curl at the ends, and it hung slightly over her right eye.
"Stunning." Was all I could get out, as my voice cracked from both her striking beauty and the lingering thoughts of my true feelings for her. She must have been expecting a bit more playful banter as she gave a quizzical look at my serious expression, but then she smiled at the compliment.
"Thanks," she said sincerely. "I'm going to go finish putting on my earrings, just give me one second!"
I grabbed my clothes as she rushed back into the bathroom and turned to enter just as she came darting out. We bumped into each other and laughed, then I closed the door to the bathroom and turned on the hot water in the shower.
The Restaurant, 5:58 pm
Once we got down to the restaurant and got seated, we were right on time. Holly didn't let me forget it either, even though she knew I had only been joking upstairs.
The conversation was great. We ate, talked, laughed, planned our flight tomorrow and talked about college. The entire time I could feel my body start to ache, and as the evening wore on, the ache got worse and worse. I was longing for Holly. My heart hurt, and that hurt was spreading through my blood to the rest of my body. Whenever this happened to me I always tended to start pushing the boundaries of our friendship, just to test the waters, so to speak. I would say things and ask question to gauge a reaction. But I was always careful enough to never say anything that could push things too far.
"Hey Holly?" I asked after finishing a bite of my beef noodle soup.
"Hm?" she replied, still finishing a bite of her spring roll.
"How come you've never had a real boyfriend before?" I asked the question with as much "genuine" curiosity as I could, but she still seemed put off by it.
After finishing her bite she replied, "Well... I guess I've just, never found someone I like..." Her voice trailed off before the last word. Then she refocused herself and continued, "I mean, one day it will happen for sure, but I don't know when... I hope it's soon though..." Holly had kept eye contact with me through that entire sentence, and it made me very uncomfortable. Not because of the eye contact per se, but because the ache in my body had just increased to a very uncomfortable level. I did something then that I hadn't done in over 3 years. I cast away my doubts and shed myself of the excuses that I was making in my head, the only things that had kept me from doing what could either be the best or worst thing of my entire life. I wanted Holly and I'd be damned if she didn't want me back, and tonight I was going to tell her. Get it all out in the open. I would do it tonight, before we left Vietnam, but that just left the how of it all. It needed to be special, and I had an idea right then.
We finished up dinner in a slightly more subdued mood, although we still talked and laughed together, but there was a tension in the air. It didn't bother me though. In fact, it was making me happier by the minute. It meant that I wasn't the only one so strongly affected by the comments she had made. We put the meal on our tab and Holly went to go back up to the hotel room, but I grabbed her arm.
"Hold up," I said with a smile. Holly's expression was hard to read. She was smiling, curious and hopeful, all at the same time.
"What's up?" she asked.
"Let's go outside," I replied. "I want to head up that trail everyone's been talking about."
Holly gave me a smile as I led the way out the small hotel's backdoor, we walked in silence for a good 15 minutes down a little trail that went from the back of the hotel out into a large park. We passed all sorts of things; ponds filled with frogs that jumped back into the water or onto lily pads as we passed, a flock of little birds in a tree the chirped quietly as we walked by, and I chuckled and Holly giggled in awe as a large cloud of bats suddenly flew overhead. It was around 7:00 when we arrived, so the sun was just about to set when we finally reached the top of a small hill. There was a bench that was just perfect. It overlooked a large section of the park so we could see over all the scattered trees and watch the sun as it set behind distant mountains. All around us, crickets chirped an evening song.
We sat down quietly next to each other. We had been holding hands playfully on the way up, but now Holly was squeezing my hand more tightly. She sighed slightly as she repositioned herself so that she could more easily lean on my shoulder, and I was more than happy to help out. For a minute or two, we sat enthralled as the sun set ever so slowly, watching the glowing circle disappear little by little. I had worked up a little impromptu speech in my head on the walk up here, but I was still very nervous. I was sure my facial expressions were changing every couple of seconds, and I was glad that Holly couldn't see. Finally, I decided I just needed to get it started, then see how the ball would roll.
"So, Holly," I said very lightly, so as not to startle her due to the long silence.
I felt her tense up next to me ever so slightly. Oddly enough, the reaction only made me more confident, and I continued a little more boldly.
"about what you said back there. At dinner, I mean, about why you've never had a proper boyfriend before. It's not..." I paused to gather some courage quickly before continuing, "it's not because of me is it...?"
