I hooked a left into the aisle towards the back checking the list on my phone. Headache medicine was there for my wife, a new one that she had read on the Internet would not give her some disease like all the other ones would. I bet good money all the other stuff was in the trash, this new one wouldn't work, and the premium price I was paying would be compounded by rebuying the old proven stuff. Sighing I went past the things to make you go to the bathroom, the things to make you stop going to the bathroom. Slowing as I looked from the products to the ass being pushed back in my direction.
It was a nice ass, it and the legs it came out of wrapped up in red and green leggings. White Candy Canes and Reindeer ran along all the red stripes. I almost made an appreciative noise at the sight of such a tight backside. I didn't mind my wife's generous one, not at all, but there was something to be said about one that was much the opposite. Feminine but compact. Bent over as she was, the material stretched over her cheeks, I swear I thought I could get the light coming in at the right angle and see the little dimple of her asshole.
I looked. I admired but I was happily married (but not without complaints) and not a total creep. I took the view as an early Christmas Eve present from the universe. Not lingering extremely long, which I thought would put me on Santa's good list compared to some of my friends who probably would have stopped and drooled. My admiration meant I only glimpsed the long red hair draped over one side as I passed. Which might have turned off some people but I'd seen more than my fair share of attractive gingers, and I was a fan of freckles.
Getting to the headache section, which was down the way a half dozen feet from the woman, I might have immediately put her out of my mind but she was on the phone. Popping up from her ass displaying examination of the lower shelves, talking rather loudly. Inconsiderately so.
"No, no. I'm here in the aisle of one of your stores. Well, I need to know where the pills are that help make you pregnant. Or maybe they're shots. Yeah, shots or pills. My friend took them and..." Pausing as the person on the other end of the line spoke. "No, you're the one in my phone. I'm not from here. I'm in the Defluer one, it's where my boyfriend is from. Alright. Does that matter? I've been in dozens of your stores before they're all put together the same way. I'm in the medicine aisle, right by the condoms, but I don't want those, I want the opposite. I want to know where are the pills to get you pregnant?" She finished like maybe she thought the person on the other end didn't speak English. Or she was just a bitch. "Alright where is the prescription stuff? It's Christmas Eve, the pharmacist is closed. Can I ask the manager... I know but as I said, it's Christmas Eve and I can't go see my doctor. I just need... Tell me the section of the aisle... Listen! I need to be pregnant for Christmas or my boyfriend is gonna dump me. Do you understand that? I saw his text messages to his friends, he's waiting until after the Holiday because he's a nice guy. He's the one though! He's sweet, kind, and responsible." I would pay a thousand dollars to talk to the person on the other line. Whatever they said had the woman huffed. "He won't dump me if I'm pregnant!" Just as much wishing I would have brought my phone out to record this, still wondering if I should. "So I need the pills to make sure you get pregnant. I didn't take my birth control for a whole week now, but I need the pills to make me super fertile or whatever. Bitch! Listen, I... Bitch! LISTEN!" Taking the phone from her ear she scoffed. "She fucking hung up on me!"
I thought she would say something to me, or at least check if I had been listening to her conversation. Her loud and very embarrassing conversation. She didn't though, maybe the quickest glance in my direction before starting a rough and angry examination of the shelves. Bottles topple about, a couple hit the floor, but that didn't stop her. The "About to be dumped after Christmas" ginger yanking some promising candidates off the shelf to read the label, before tossing them back on. I looked around for somebody to share this moment with, a stranger to at least see how inappropriate this woman was acting that I could share a raised eyebrow or shrug with, but it was late Christmas Eve. Everyone would be in the food section of the store getting cinnamon or frozen dinner rolls, or worse the toy section hoping to find Little Suzy the perfect gift. Last minute.
Nobody was in the medicine section. Finally she grabbed one of the bottles, stomping my way. I thought she was going to go find a worker, or had just made a choice and was going.
Nope. She was coming to me.
"Sir. Sir, can you tell me if this is the stuff to get you pregnant?" She asked thrusting a bottle of what looked like stretch mark cream at me, I guess because it showed a pregnant woman?
I will never be able to say what made me do it. Maybe I thought the story was good, but it could be great. Maybe after sitting around at work even for the half a day they'd made us come in for I was bored, knowing I'd go home where my wife's family would be infesting my house and wanted a bright spot. Or she just seemed gullible enough that some dormant evil part wanted to fuck with her. Even though it went the way it did... Well, I'm not that kind of person, I'm a normal boring husband.
"Yeah, that helps if you rub it on your belly. It increases the warmth and... You don't want that though, my wife and I tried that and it only increases your chances like by five percent." Motioning for her to follow me to the other end, opposite the bathroom stoppers and starters. I nearly snorted at the box, that I'd seen earlier, plucking it off e shelf. "This is the one you want. You see?"
"Oh my god! Yes! Yes!" Grabbing it from me, I doubted she read it as much as looked at the colors.
It was prenatal vitamins that some marketing genius had realized they could get two for one at triple the price by selling "special" his and hers pack. It was better than I thought because not only did it say "Pre-Pregnancy Couple's Pack" but it got even better and on the blue "guy's" side it said, "Men's Pre-Conception Health" which really made it seem like this was what it was for.
"You both take it and.. Do what you do. It's basically a guaranteed pregnancy." I worried about the fact that each one said they had thirty days off pills but that wasn't even registering on her radar.
"Oh no! We... We can't! We're staying with his family and... They're everywhere. Plus how would I get him to take one?" She looked at the others picking another prenatal vitamin up, flipping it as if she was going to read the back, before tossing it away. "This is the one that worked for you and your wife?"
"We've got five kids thanks to it." Unable to help myself now that I was in this far. "The first time it was triplets, she doubted it would work so made us take three each. The next time I forgot I had taken it, so took another and we had twins. So... yeah they work." Giving her a big smile, pushing the product at her, a long nod where I was about to turn away when she reached out and grabbed my hand. "No need to thank me."
"No, I..." At least then she did look around to make sure nobody was listening, she wasn't completely oblivious to social standards. "I told you I can't... I really need to be pregnant, by tomorrow. For Christmas and... with his family all around I... I doubt we could get away somewhere and I really don't think I could get him to take a pill without knowing what it is."
"You might crush it up and put it in his drink." A tremor in my voice as I fought laughter.