If Only But Then

What is it about him? He has my insides longing just to walk up to him slowly, gazing into his eyes deeper and deeper the closer I get, stop right in front of him, and then slowly and cautiously bring my hands from my sides and place them on his hips. I'm not sure if he wants this, not sure if he'll let me touch him. My hands glide softly up his body to his ribs, across his chest, down his stomach and rest on his belt buckle. All the while I'm looking up into his face under my eyelashes, the question in my eyes 'will you let me?'

He reaches up with one hand and brushes my hair from my face. So tenderly he touches me, he's trying so hard to push me away - after all, he's not mine. He wants to walk away from me and do the right thing, but his body has been deprived of attention and he doesn't want me to stop touching him. I take a step closer and press myself against him, our chests meet, my arms reach around to rest on his back, and I place my ear on his heartbeat. His arms wrap around my shoulders, his lips find my forehead, and his heartbeat quickens under my ear as thoughts flood his mind of his next move.

One of his hands finds my chin and lifts my face up to look into his and in his eyes is an amazing look of wonder that melts me. His eyes drop to my lips and he leans forward. When our lips meet my breath catches in my chest. This feeling was unexpected; such tenderness, such passion, such sensuality. Slowly our lips explore each other and his tongue slips out to taste me. My hands tighten on his back as I grip him closer to me, my own tongue snaking out to meet his.

My awareness bounces to each of my senses. He tastes faintly of peppermint. I hear his soft moans and the sounds of our lips smacking together. I feel one of his hands tangled in my hair, and the other around my waist holding me tight to him. I open my eyes to look in his face and see that his eyes are closed as his lips are pursed against mine. I smell his cologne drift up from the collar of his shirt. I close my eyes again, I'm so lost in him.

Sighing against him, I pull away, resting my forehead on his shoulder. We both know we can't do this. His body sags with the realization of what I'm thinking and he pushes me away enough so I look up at him and all he says to me is

"I know."

"I think you should go..." I say as I step back from him. He looks at me for a minute not speaking, finally his eyes drop because he knows that I'm right. He grabs his jacket and steps toward the door. Every womanly fiber in my being wants to tell him to come back, to take me in his arms and love me through the night. He turns to look at me, and I can see in his face that he feels the same as I do. He beckons with his finger for me to come to him, and I hesitate for a moment until I slowly walk towards him.

"You can't possibly know how bad I want to stay here with you," he says. I put a finger to his lips to shush him.

"You're so beautiful," he continues as he runs the back of his hand down my cheek. I lean up and kiss his soft lips a couple of times and back away once more. He searches my face for an excuse to throw down his jacket and stay the night with me, but finally turns the doorknob and starts to open the door. When he pulls it open a foot, he stops and looks at me again.

"Please... this is so hard for me... please..." I say to him, an almost painful look in my face. He walks out the door without a word and I close it behind him, sagging against the back of it, my hands over my face. That was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do.

After about three minutes, there's a soft knock on the door. My heart swells with hope that it's him, even though I've just pushed him out of my room. I crack the door and peek through the door jamb to see that he's standing there with a sheepish look on his face. I smile at him and open the door the rest of the way. The look on his face changes instantly and a sly little grin plays at the corner of his mouth. He rushes me back into the room, dropping his coat on the way, slamming the door behind him, arms around my waist, lips covering mine. The passion is so heightened by our little game that it's one of the best nights of loving we've ever shared.

Hours later, laying in his arms, I laugh a little and say to him:

"You couldn't wait more than a couple minutes outside that door, could ya?" He squeezes me tighter, chuckles and says:

"Not after you kissed me like that, are you crazy?"

The next morning as I slipped my wedding ring back on my finger, a smile crosses my face. There's nothing like a little game playing to keep our marriage strong...