If Great Authors Wrote Porn #01

IF GREAT AUTHORS WROTE PORN. #1 Charles Dickens, The Pickwick Papers

The last ray of light which faintly illumines the gloom, and then disappears into that hidden obscurity and darkness in which the earlier history of the customary nocturnal activities of the immortal Pickwick would appear to be involved, is derived from the perusal of the following entry in the Transactions of the Pickwick Club.

'May 12, 1827. Joseph Smiggers, Esq., P.V.P.M.P.C. [Perpetual Vice-President--Member Pickwick Club], presiding. The following resolution unanimously agreed to:--

'That this Association has heard read, with feelings of unmingled arousal, and unqualified approval, the paper communicated by Samuel Pickwick, Esq., G.C.M.P.C. [General Chairman--Member Pickwick Club], entitled "Speculations on the Beauty of the Female Flowers, with some Observations on the Theory of Erection of Titties" and that this Association does hereby return its warmest thanks to the said Samuel Pickwick, Esq., G.C.M.P.C., for the same.'

'A casual observer, [adds the secretary] 'might possibly have remarked nothing extraordinary in the bald head, and circular spectacles, which were intently turned towards his (the secretary's) face, during the reading of the above resolutions: to those who knew that the gigantic brain of Pickwick was working beneath that forehead, and that the beaming eyes of Pickwick were twinkling behind those glasses, and that the magnificent member of Pickwick was twitching beneath those trousers, the sight was indeed an interesting one. There sat the man who had traced to their source the nether flowers of dainty womanhood, and agitated the scientific world with his Theory of Erection of Titties, as calm and unmoved as the sealed lips of the one when not in the presence of manhood, or as the soft nipples of the other when carefully concealed under multitudinous layers of delicate camisoles. That illustrious man slowly mounted into the Windsor chair, on which he had been previously seated, and addressed the club himself had founded. The eloquent Pickwick, with one hand gracefully concealing his crotch, and the other waving in air to assist his glowing declamation; his elevated position revealing fawn colored tights and green gaiters; inspired involuntary awe and respect.

Mr. Pickwick's oration upon this occasion, together with the debate thereon, is entered on the Transactions of the Club.

'Mr. Pickwick observed (says the secretary) that fame was dear to the heart of every man. He (Mr. Pickwick) would not deny that he, like all other men, was influenced by warmest human passions and human feelings regarding the delicate subjects of his research (cheers) but this he would say, that if ever the fire of self-importance broke out in his ... ahem ... bosom, the desire to benefit the human race in preference effectually quenched it, and all his heat of emotion was directed toward the information and enlightenment of his fellows. He therefore proposed to continue his scientific research into the topics heretofore mentioned in his humble paper, and to attempt to extend and enrich the fields of scientific knowledge with further investigations of the interesting and delightful subjects thereof.

[The secretary further reports] 'May 12, 1827. Joseph Smiggers, Esq., P.V.P.M.P.C. [Perpetual Vice-President--Member Pickwick Club], presiding. The following resolution unanimously agreed to:--

'That while this Association is deeply sensible of the advantages which must accrue to the cause of science, from the unwearied researches of Samuel Pickwick, Esq., G.C.M.P.C., in many well known low establishments of this City--they cannot but entertain a lively sense of the inestimable benefits which must inevitably result from carrying the speculations of that learned man into a wider field, enlarging his sphere of observation, to the advancement of knowledge, the arousal of his ... ahem, intelligence, and the diffusion of learning.

'That this Association cordially recognizes the principle of every member of the Pickwick Club defraying his own traveling expenses and the expenses appertaining to obtaining the society of the subjects of his research; and that it sees no objection whatever to the Samuel Pickwick, Esq., G.C.M.P.C. of the said society pursuing his inquiries for any length of time he please, upon the same terms.

'That Samuel Pickwick, Esq., G.C.M.P.C be requested to forward, from time to time, authenticated accounts of his journeys and investigations, of his observations of female flowers and nipples, together with all drawings to which the enjoyment of these, and similar portions of anatomy may give rise, to the Pickwick Club, stationed in London.'

Mr. Pickwick received this commission with humble gratitude, if not to say with considerable enthusiasm. Indeed there are some esteemed Members of the Pickwick Club, although desiring that their names not be made public at this time, who report that from certain manifestations arising under the trousers of the celebrated Mr. Pickwick, they felt that he was displaying a remarkable and commendable intention to begin with the utmost haste the investigations he had been commissioned to perform. The hour being late, the Pickwick Club then adjourned, and the members retired to the public house, or took their leave, as their desires led them.

Mr. Pickwick, himself, displayed a great anxiety to perform those important duties and researches with which he had been so lately entrusted. He emerged into the street and hailed a hackney cab. At Mr. Pickwick's signal, the cabman descended from the box. His red countenance might have indicated to an observer that he had been refreshing himself from the bottle which protruded from one pocket of the ragged greatcoat he wore, and the battered hat sitting on his head might have caused that same observer to believe that he was not unacquainted with altercations with his fellow cabmen. Mr. Pickwick, seeing in these signs that perhaps here, indeed, was a man of the world who could provide him with scientific references, spoke a few soft words in the cabman's ear. At those words, the rough fellow gave a hearty chuckle and responded, "Lor' love a duck, guv'nor. Many a 'ouse in Lunnon will take care of what you needs. But a gent loike yerself, yer don't want no common piece er fluff, now, does 'e? Now I can tyke yer to Madem-o-zell Marie's place, guv'nor, which are the perfect 'ouse for toffs loike you to dip yer wick safely." With that he gave Mr. Pickwick such a nudge with his elbow that the esteemed G.C.M.P.C. was almost precipitated into the mud of the street.

Momentarily confused by being placed off balance, and hearing a portion of his name in the rough accents of the cabman, Mr. Pickwick hesitated. But then it came to his understanding that the cabman did not know him as "Pickwick," and he realized that in the colorful slang used by the under classes, "dip yer wick" must indeed refer to those investigations he had be commissioned to pursue. Therefore, he concluded with the driver for the sum of "three bob fer me, and thruppence for the 'oss, and thankee," to be driven to the establishment of Mlle. Marie.

Proceeding through the streets of London at a good pace, the cab soon turned into a narrow street, illumined by a feeble street light at either end, but in the center as dark as those nether recesses that the esteemed scientist intended to probe. In the middle of this street, however, Mr. Pickwick observed a private residence, in front of which stood a liveried footman holding a large candle. By some chemical contrivance, the flame at the tip of this phallic object blazed a brilliant red color. Here the cabman drew up, and Mr. Pickwick was assisted by the footman to alight. He tendered to the cabbie the requested "three bob, and thruppence for the 'oss," and added somewhat over. As he turned to examine the house, he heard a chink of coins and understood that the cabman had also been clandestinely rewarded by the footman for delivering a fare to the establishment. This revelation of the inner workings of an economic system operating, Mr. Pickwick was sure, outside the knowledge of the Crown's tax collectors, he made a mental note to add to his report on the subject of the City's trade in the rental for temporary usage of the objects of his scientific investigation.

The cab clattered off, according to Mr. Pickwick's estimation in the direction of the nearest source of a fresh bottle for the greatcoat pocket. Bowing, the footman inquired of Mr. Pickwick, "What name shall I announce, sir?"

Mr. Pickwick was a bit taken aback at such a direct demand, but on a moment's thought realized that he had not been asked to present a card, but simply to adopt some nomenclature for the evening's purchases. Thinking rapidly, he recalled the cabman's remark, and confidently replied, "You may say that Mr. Dipwick is calling."

"Very good, Mr. Dipwick," said the functionary. Slowly and majestically they ascended the worn steps of the residence, whose drawn shades reflecting dim lights behind somehow seemed to wink at the greater world before it. The footman twisted the doorbell as if it had in some way offended him personally, and a chime was heard within. Shortly the door was opened, and the footman intoned, "Mr. Dipwick is calling."

Mr. Pickwick turned his scientific observance to the sight presented to his eyes. He beheld a young lady who appeared to have just passed into the age of her full womanhood. Her young face might have been deemed pretty if it were not encrusted with paint like a too long inhabited army barracks. A layer of rouge covered the dainty cheeks, a dark material which reminded the scientific observer of the kohl worn by Cleopatra in her glory was daubed on her eyelids, and carmine paste several thicknesses too deep adorned those pouty lips. This colourful sight indeed occupied Mr. Pickwick's eyes behind his circular spectacles for several breaths. Yet, no matter how amazing the effect produced by that adorned beauty, it could not long keep him from the more cogent objects of his investigation.

Scientifically noting the condition of the pretty face, the learned scientist allowed his gaze to drop lower. Passing down a white neck like that of a swan, he quickly realized that the lady's chest was covered only by a white gauzy material which in no way concealed that which it lay upon. Here, indeed, were the objects which Mr. Pickwick had come to observe and report upon. Being a dedicated and responsible individual, he proceeded to perform the duty laid upon him by The Pickwick Club, by rendering them a careful examination.

He saw that the gauzy shift was pressed up and out by two round white boobs, stunning in their perfection, and presenting to any eye which cared to observe them a deep and inviting valley between them, into which it would be delightful to sink one's cheeks. Each of them was surmounted, nay Mr. Pickwick truly felt was crowned, with a protruding nipple of the finest pink color, clearly in a state of erection as described in that well researched and well received paper so recently delivered.

As a good correspondent, charged by his peers with gathering the fullest information available to him, Mr. Pickwick considered it imperative that he make not only a visual examination of these confections, but also try his other senses as well. To this end he stretched forth his hands and gently took one of the nipples between each thumb and forefinger. A careful rolling motion assured him of the accuracy of his visual examination. The next thought which occupied Mr. Pickwick's great scientific curiosity was whether they tasted as good as they felt. He therefore, in the spirit of his assigned task, began to pull the gauze aside and prepared to apply his tongue as a scientific instrument for that purpose.

"Ah, but M'sieu, let us not be in too big ze hurry, n'est ce pas?" the lady inquired. "When one dances ze dance, one mus' pay ze piper, is it not said in this country? Have you in la poche some five guineas, mon brave?" As she said this, her hand seemed to have by some means approached to Mr. Pickwick's trouser crotch. Putting her other hand on his ample bum, she pushed it into her and gave a few interesting perambulations of her hips against him. Thus induced, Mr. Pickwick could clearly comprehend that the advancement of his passion for science justified this small expenditure. Opening his purse, he provided the required amount. The lady counted it over, and then dropped it into a tin box on the table nearby. The box sported a large padlock which might have led a lesser patron to suppose that the inhabitants of the house did not entirely place full faith and trust in each other.

"Ah I see zat M'sieu is a gentleman of quality. You will see zat ze five guineas entertainment is worth ze last farthing." At this, Mr. Pickwick was pleasantly received by the young lady raising her skirt high, pulling him close to her, and placing his delicate and refined hands squarely on her ass, which was thus revealed to be completely bare under the shift. At the same time she pulled his head down into the valley aforementioned, which proved to truly be a dell of enjoyment in its softness and yielding grace. Turning her chest, she brought one of those pink nipples to the scientific observer's lips, and that observer was thereby enabled to engage in some scientific experiments regarding the effectiveness of suction as opposed to rolling the tongue in producing the noted erection of the nipple which was rapidly becoming his recognized expertise.

It might well be believed that the state of engorgement of the nipple mentioned was calculated to produce a similar engorgement in certain instrumentalities belonging to the lower regions of Mr. Pickwick himself, and that belief would no more be misplaced than a belief that patrons of this establishment would be well advised to count their money before departing would so be. Indeed Mr. Pickwick was entertained by a notable throbbing in his cock and a feeling that it was forcefully straining against his trouser front. Pulling the mademoiselle against his crotch and rubbing back and forth caused her to give a little giggle.

"Ah, cher taureau, let us not be too hasty. Come wiz me to my chambre and we shall sport in more comfort," she breathed in his ear. Mr. Pickwick followed with alacrity, all the while keeping his well manicured hand on her bum and appreciating its twitching as she proceeded down the hallway. Opening a white door, she led him into a chamber of great nicety. A white nightstand held a pitcher and basin of white porcelain, looking in their situation as if they wished to be considered doves in the sky for innocence. Standing by these practical articles was a delightful little statue, representing that precocious godling called Cupid with his little bow and arrow. His eyes seemed to twinkle, and his mouth to curve slightly in a grin, which might lead one to believe that this statue had beheld many things of delight in this room he oversaw.

Beside this nightstand stood an elegant bedstead, draped with a coverlet of whitest cotton which appeared, from its resemblance to the clouds which float in the sky of a summer's day, to be stuffed with fine down. The French lady invited Mr. Pickwick to repose himself on the bed, supported by fine satin pillows. Then, giving him a glance which held much promise for the immediate future, she slowly began to remove her clothing, one article at a time. As has already been observed, her fine boobs were on display above the top of her shift, and the nipples standing up in readiness held Mr. Pickwick's scientific attention. She clasped the soft round orbs in her hands and squeezed gently, then shook them round and round. Giggling, she turned her back to the observer and, emulating the scandalous dancers of that renowned symbol of depravity the Can Can, she flipped the skirt up to show the fine white moons of her ample butt. On the nightstand, Cupid's twinkling eyes seemed to say that never had a moon so large, so round, so bright, been seen from the windows of this establishment, but here before him was the most magnificent representation of that celestial body that had ever been observed.

Bending forward with great flexibility, she presented to Mr. Pickwick's attentive gaze that flower which is the center of feminine beauty. No anemone growing in the fairest meadow, no daisy turning its eye to the sun, no orchid carefully cultivated in a hot house, showed such a tender arrangement of its petals, such a succulent center, nor presented so fine and tasty an appearance when a single drop of the morning's pure dew dripped from it. Reaching between her white legs with one hand she carefully spread the lips wide so that the pinkness of the innermost depths gleamed beautifully in the nest of soft curly pubic hair surrounding it.

Dextrously, showing the talents acquired, no doubt, during many hours of practice and instruction by those who brought her up, and with a grace and suppleness that would have been the envy of a duchess, she flicked open the buttons on the back of her dress and let it fall to the floor. Thus she appeared in that becoming costume that all females have inherited from Mother Eve, and which mankind has unanimously agreed to be the counterpoint to the dressmaker's art and the refutation of the considerations of ever changing fashion. In short, she stood before Mr. Pickwick mother naked, from her fine tits and pointed nipples to the long legs leading up to the black nest of pubic hair over her dripping pussy. The little statue on the nightstand appeared to join Mr. Pickwick in appreciative perception of this presentation. His small grin could have been meant to say, "Even Venus rising from the sea was not so charming, so promising, so seductive as what we now see before us. Enjoy, and anticipate."

Seeing clearly that her customer was appreciative of her charms and prepared to proceed with the entertainment, she dropped to her knees and quickly undid the buttons of his fine trousers. The gentleman's large cock thus leapt to her grasp, and she lost no time in taking that member into her mouth, and beginning to display her mastery of the fine art of fellation. Leaning back upon the pillows, the gigantic mind of Mr. Pickwick and his tremendous devotion to the science he studied so assiduously could be well presumed to be occupied in making mental notes upon his observance of the feelings thus engendered in his dick. Certainly this idea might well have been supported by the twitching of his hips, and his firm pressure on the back of the girl's head which resulted in thrusting his shaft deeper and deeper into her throat.

She proceeded to pull his trousers, and his underdrawers of silk, down and entirely off his body. Then she released his dick from her mouth and drew her body across his throbbing crotch, allowing his large member to rest between her round tits, as her nimble fingers unbuttoned his waistcoat and shirt. Continuing to rise, her soft belly pressed his cock as she pulled his head forward so that her boobs presented their nipples to his mouth. The little Cupid, standing on the nightstand, was aiming his bow in the direction of the two naked bodies before him prepared to discharge his arrow with precision.

The picture that must have been thus presented to Cupid's sight, as he was looking down on the participants from his position on the elevated nightstand, would indeed have been an interesting one. Between the two round white globes of the courtesan's breasts reposed the round, shiny pink bald head of the renowned Pickwick! No pawnbroker had ever displayed three globes over his shop door which resembled the pattern thus created. That great scientist, however, was totally oblivious of the juxtaposition thus resulting, but instead was busy suckling first on one tasty nipple and then on the other.