I Hate You so Much My Love

The truth is we were meant to be together, but I always preferred choice. It gives you the ability to snub anything resembling destiny. I spat in the face of destiny when I met you. My heart aches in a way that reminds me I can feel. I crave an interaction with you like the drugs I used to love. You are better. You are real.

It all began with a delightful conversation. How wonderfully free it was. Life and art, existential angst. It was never easy with you. Not from the beginning. Oh my god.

I happened into you again. Months later at a restaurant. You ignored the man I was with and bought my entire meal. Your long message was received in secret from the person that had claim over me. I remember that day you said. I remember you too. Meet tomorrow? Okay...

I told you not to fall in love as I straddled your broad, muscled chest. My beaten down heart laughed delightfully at the idea that I would break yours. My heart can't break you said. It is already broken. I'll never love you. That is what you said. I said I'd never love you either. We didn't fuck. I felt you as we moved against one another, our clothes not quite containing us. I'd made a pact with myself not to have sex. I wanted to feel temptation.

You asked me out with your friends not knowing how dangerous I was with playthings. All it took was a quick compliment, an honest observation of two others. Three pieces to make you feel pain and anger. One more would come later. The idea of others to follow.

I was friends with your friends from that day. A little too charming for one who became your enemy, later your best friend. Perfectly charming for a happy little couple, open to a visitor to join them in a tiny little home. You fucked me before it happened because you saw the invitation coming. It was an angry painful fuck. I liked the feeling of your strong arms grabbing me. The quick angry pumping as a result of you trying to lay claim over the one who had laughed about your feelings. I put your hands against my throat and you applied practiced pressure. The room blurred just the right amount. You don't hold anything sacred you said. I agreed even though I wasn't sure. I didn't know myself as well back then. You had a way of making me feel... so small and deadly. I was a secret monster determined to make you unsatisfied. You were determined to never be satisfied. We played a little game of tug o'war. We made a perfectly terrible couple. Your roommate hated me. Why are you here? He'd ask. I just smiled and shrugged. Hope your day was nice I'd say sugary.

You yelled at me when you found out about the couple. I showed up to apologize even though I wasn't sorry. I told you I wasn't. You don't understand I said. I had a relationship end that day, but it wasn't the one with you. I told you I enjoyed their cramped bed, eating and fucking and smoking and licking. We all moved together. We didn't talk. I didn't want to. You forgave me, but also did not. I was this evil you disliked. I was this evil you wanted to speak with. The temptation and mischief clearly sparkling in my eyes when I spoke to you. There was no one but us. Even as the small pools filled up with the bodies of stand in characters. I felt you. We looked at one another in comfort as a clown performed bad rap and I gave a knowing look that chided appropriation. The years that separated us glowed in your eyes with a "kids these days" look but it didn't matter as I knew I'd see you later. It had been a month or so since we last spoke. You picked me up when I saw you, scooping my thin but tall body up in a way that only a tall, muscular man can. I felt so tiny. Taken.

I did more bad. I liked to do that to you. I didn't trust you or your fucking broken heart. That stupid girl you loved in the past I didn't care for. I didn't do what you wanted. You hated my blatant disrespect. I hung out with your former acquaintance. Crashing at his place. He fell in love with me while I dated half the town. I didn't love him back. I loved him. I didn't want to fuck him. I fucked him. He was a virgin. It made things complicated. I didn't care about anyone. I didn't want to. I saw you off and on. Whenever we saw one another we were in each other. Taken over by something deeper than mere desire. I never texted you after if I could help it. You were always mad at me. I felt my addiction to you. I cried over it as your friend comforted me begrudgingly. Fuck I craved you. I sweated with desire with the hot sun reflecting on that stupid white fence.

I don't know when we stopped. It wasn't for awhile. I remember laying in your arms. We didn't fuck that night. I was upset. I'd found someone else while you were traveling Europe with a poor excuse for me. I told that man that I may not see him again. He cried. I thought it was strange. I had never seen you cry. This creature who didn't know me like you did was crying. I'd made other men cry, but this was different. He wasn't trying to control me. He was feeling. He thought I was good. You knew I was not. I chose him to make me better, but he annoyed me the way they always do. So I went to see you because I couldn't think of where else to go. Of course it had been months and many men and women between the two of us. Still, I felt so comfortable with you. I'd see you sometimes in a way that I attempted to make platonic. You were always trying to convince me to marry you. To leave him. I wanted you to show up with a ring. I wanted you to tell me we were leaving to go elsewhere. You never did. To be fair I never said yes. I made fun of you even while my heart beat with excitement. Don't be dumb I'd say. Don't.

He gave me a ring. It had been a long time since I'd seen you, but suddenly you were there. I felt my throat close up in a way that he never made it close. God I've never wanted anyone as much as I wanted you. All at once the time felt like no time at all. We stood in a crowded room alone pleasantly catching up. I felt your eyes devouring me. I felt my eyes asking them to. I thought we must have looked obscene to everyone fucking each other that way. My friends had not noticed. I realized that people were more blind that I thought. How could they not see us burning there. How was my secret still safe? We parted ways. You were working. I was happy. I told myself. I'm happy. I dreamt of you again. Woke up in a cold sweat of longing. I saw my rock sleeping peacefully beside me. How sweet he looked. How simple his love was. I swallowed the scream inside and burned for a week while I tried to forget.

They told me you had a baby and I laughed so hard. So very hard. It hurt to laugh. I didn't know if it was because it was funny or because I was so angry. You weren't supposed to do that. You were supposed to be like me. Childless. Free. We were going to be together one day. It was just as you would text me. You can be with him now, but I know we are meant to be. You would write such sweet nothings. So empty like nonvenomous snake bites.

You stole me away to the mountain. We watched the lights glitter below us and your hands were deftly feeling me and making me feel. No I said. I can't. It isn't right. I love him. The lights blurred below. The city so far down. The people so small. Again just me and you and him in the distant below. I laughed with you so freely. I knew it was ending. You did too. We held hands as you drove down the mountain. Even as the road curved dangerously out of sight our hands remained entwined. This is the end I thought. I kissed you and felt the craving inside. How would I say goodbye? I ran. I didn't look back to you. When I got home to my better side he was angry. He forgave me. I didn't want him to. I did want him to. He believed in the good side of me. You thought good didn't suit me. I tried to believe in myself. Still I dreamed that night of you pushing me against that stone fort wall. The cliff edge so near. I didn't jump but I pushed you. I let you take me over the edge. I didn't fight. Just fell into the sky.

"This is the moment where you trick people into thinking you are theirs." you said as you penetrated me deeply in the southern cemetery with the flashing of fireflies and coyote eyes. The blanket moved below us and the summer was early enough to cool my hot flesh. Every thrust I felt in my being. You said you could and should stop now. Maybe it wasn't cheating you mused. It is still cheating I said. We cheat when we look at each other you said. You pushed inside me. Earlier I had ducked into a tent. You had asked what was inside. The river was flowing beside us. The memory of the boat we were on was a shadow against the fabric. The whiskey tainted ice clinked against the glass as it slowly melted on the balcony we left. I smiled at you in the inner sanctum of that secret and public place. You can't get in me I said. I won't you said. And then somehow you were in me. No! I said to you and pushed you off me. You reached for me and I panicked. Memories of something less pleasant in my head. Hey what's wrong. We don't have to.

You sat down beside me and hugged me from behind. I hid my panicked tears. I was tired of crying in front of you. I felt safe again. Your body was warm and strong. I was the small part of you once more. I felt the lustful drive to be so very close. We walked away from our hidden sanctuary and arrived upon a place of play. It had been too long since I'd swung, so I didn't feel the need to. I sat on top of you and wrapped my hands around your neck as you relaxed your entire body to be defenseless. I don't care about her. I don't want to make you happy. I know you said. I love you. I know. I grabbed your wrists and thought about how I hated you. We kissed and I laid on you listening to your heart. It sounded fake. You dress like a whore but you're the smartest person I've met you said. Your words echoed in my ear. I do that on purpose. I know. I like it. You are interesting. We're the bad guys you know. I wanted you to know that. Heroes are boring you said.

You mentioned that people are notoriously bad at choosing things that make them happy. I know that is true. I've wanted to choose you, tried to choose you, and it didn't happen. I realize the reason we are drawn to one another, the magic of our connection, is that it can only exist in hostile conditions. I crave you in moments. Not the idea of who you are, because you are a frustrating man, but you. You see me. I see you too. I've seen you for so long. On an instinctual level I have known, despite our chemistry you're not the forever guy. I wish we could be friends, but I know it isn't possible. We burn ourselves up together. It is not fair to compare or good to have what we do. We don't make each other better. When I'm with you I don't care about anyone or anything else. I don't expect anything from you, myself, or the world. I don't pay attention to other people. I don't focus on the things I thought mattered. You make me feel more important than anyone and anything and you encourage me to think little of others. When I think about you I feel on fire. The rage I've had towards the weakness or slowness of other's burns. I crave to be with you so that we can laugh about them. I want to laugh at the thought of coyotes eating us in a land of the dead. You aren't healthy. You make me want to be a bad person. I love how it feels to be her. You're right that heroes are boring to watch, but interest is a bankrupt path. It ends dramatically. Hatefully.

The man whose ring I wear said he was worried about who I was. When he glimpses the part of me you see so clearly it scares him. He is a good man. He is simple. He is kind. He is slow and methodical. He doesn't enjoy watching things on fire or playing with people. He finds himself uncomfortable when he sees me smile and tease with sweet knives. So I try to find the good in life and smile at the small moments. I try not to have claws and walk quietly and put out fires. But I love you in the most selfish way. I don't care about your life or her. I love when you do things I know I should convince you not to. I watch with amusement while you blow up your life. My cautioning paper thin. Fuck I don't want to give up my addiction, but I also don't want to burn the world around me.

Okay you said. Let us try to be boring.

I hate you so much my love.