How It Feels to Be Loved

We pulled into the parking lot of the hotel just as the sun settled behind the surrounding hills. Jon opened his door , stopped and looked over at me, "Shelly, are you sure?"

I nodded, scared to speak.

"OK. I'll be right back."

He gave me a peck on the cheek before walking across the parking lot to the entrance to the hotel. I watched him go, clutching my hands together in my lap.

I didn't know why I was so scared. I loved Jon. I had known him for 3 years. He was my best friend, almost a big brother. I trusted him with my life. So why was I trembling so? Why was I so scared? I wanted it. I really did. The rape had happened over 3 years ago. It had been my first experience with sex and now, I yearned to know how it felt to be loved, really loved.

I looked up to see Jon walking towards the car. He opened my door and helped me out.

"Everything OK?" I asked.

He nodded, "Ready?"

I nodded also, not sure what else to say.

He retrieved the overnight bag from the trunk before taking my hand and leading me into the hotel. As we passed the front desk, the clerk nodded and I suddenly felt like we were doing something naughty.

'Come on, Mychelle,' I admonished myself, 'We're both grown ups and single as can be. There's nothing wrong with this.'

Our room was on the 3rd floor. We rode up in the elevator, silent. I guess he was nervous too because he tapped his foot in time with the musak. We stepped out on the correct floor and followed the hallway around until we found out room.

While he turned on the light over the dresser, I looked around. It was a typical hotel room with 1 king bed, a dresser and a small table taking over most of the space. Jon placed the bag on top of the dresser and wrapped his strong arms around me.

"Mychelle, are you sure you want to do this? You've always said that you needed to wait and I've respected that. I don't mind if I have to wait until I'm old and grey before I make love to you-"

I placed a finger over his lips to shush him, "Jon, stop. You're babbling. I do want this. I...I want to know how it really feels. I want this, Jon. I love you so much."

He touched my cheek, "Then why are you trembling?"

I smiled and glanced down, "What about your foot?"

Jon laughed and kissed me softly on the lips. Firecrackers went off inside of me, setting off a feeling that only Jon has ever invoked in me. I tucked my body up against his. His hands began to roam, running through my hair, down my back and finally resting on my hips.

"You're so beautiful, Shells," he mumbled.

A hand slipped under my shirt and began to softly rub my back. The other one soon joined it, rubbing patterns. We exchanged another kiss but this one was harder and deeper than the others. My heart pounded away in my chest and I clutched at him, suddenly feeling weak in the knees.

He led me to the bed and had me sit down on the edge. He knelt down in front of me and looked up into my eyes, brushing stray bits of my shoulder length hair out of my face.

"I don't want to hurt you, Shells," he whispered.

Tears wells up in my eyes, "You won't. I promise. I want this. I want you. Please..."

He smiled and kissed me again. My arms wrapped around his neck as we both fell to the bed in a heap of kissing, hugging and caressing. Jon rolled to the side and pulled me close, caressing my face and neck.

"God, I've dreamed of this," he whispered, "All those times we laid beside one another and I held you. I wanted you so badly."

I felt myself blush. I knew how he felt. I just didn't know how to tell him.

His hand slipped from my face, down my neck and to my chest. Even through my shirt and bra, I felt his warm hand softly caressing my breast. I reached out to touch his face, to know that he was for real. He took that hand and kissed it softly. A tingle ran from my hand, up to my neck and then down my spine.

Suddenly, he stood up and pulled me onto my feet. His hands began to lift my shirt and I helped him, pulling it up and over my head. Holding me tightly, he kissed me on the lips and then my collarbone; all the while his hands explored my bare skin. When he touched my breast through my bra, I shivered.

"Jon, please," I begged.

"Shhhh," he murmured, kissing me softly again.

I realized that my hands were traveling on their own, rubbing his chest and back, pressing me into him as close as possible. I wanted to feel his skin, his back, his chest, without the pesky cloth in the way.

I started to unbutton his shirt but he stopped me, "No no, Shells. This is your night."

He unhooked my bra and took it off my arms. Another kiss was laid upon my collarbone before he slowly traced his way to my left breast. My knees almost gave way when his lips closed around the nipple. I clutched at his shoulders and he stopped to lay me back on the bed.

"Shells," he breathed, lying next to me, "You are so beautiful."

In the dim light from the lamp on the dresser, I saw his eyes travel up and down my body, and surprisingly I didn't feel subconscious.

His hands traveled downward to my belt buckle but I stopped him, "Not yet," I whispered, "Please."

A tremble raced through me. It was a tremble of fear, not of Jon but of memories.

He stopped and curled up against me, holding me close. His hands caressed my stomach and breasts and his lips kissed and nibbled on my lips and neck.

After a few minutes, I relaxed and his hand slowly trailed their way to my belt buckle. This time, I allowed him to unbuckle it. A hand reached down my jeans and massaged my lower tummy through my underwear. His hands sent shivers down my spine and I reached for his face for a long, strong kiss.

When we broke the kiss, Jon spoke in almost a whisper, "Mychelle, you are so sexy."

I giggled, "I am not."

"Oh yes you are," he smiled, "You're sexy and beautiful and lovely and all mine."

He playfully nipped my breast and I moaned in response. Jon began to edge my jeans off my hips and I helped. Soon, they were on the floor next to my shirt. My underwear soon followed in the same manner.

He caressed my arms and then my legs. His touch brought back memories of a rougher type, not of love, but of hatred and animal lust.

I began to tremble and he noticed the change immediately, "Shells?"

His look of concern almost made me cry. I clung to him and tried to get a hold of myself.

Jon's hand raised my chin up so he could look into my eyes, "Shells, don't do this for me. I don't want you to feel like this is an obligation to me. I want you to do this for yourself."

After a moment I spoke up, "I want this. I want this for myself. I want to know how it feels to be loved."

"But you are loved, Shells. I love you so much."

I shook my head, "No. You don't understand. I want to know how love feels. I don't want sex. I want to make love. Please. Just go slow. The memories of the...the rape are coming back."

"We can make our own memories to replace those old, yucky ones."

His wicked smile made me laugh and agree.

I tried again to unbutton his shirt but he pushed my hands away.

"Come on, Jon. I feel so...so...Well, the playing fields aren't too even. Please?"

He let my hands go and they found their way back to the buttons on his shirt almost automatically. I unbuttoned them one by one, kissing his chest and stomach after each one. All the while, his hands traced patterns on my back, making me shiver.

When I started on his jeans, he pulled away, "You better not. I may not last that long."

While he undressed, I pulled the covers back on the bed, pulling just the sheet up to cover my nakedness. He climbed in next to me and snuggled close. His naked body was so warm and so soft; I melted into his arms almost instantly.

A hand slipped in-between my legs, exploring. I closed my eyes and moaned as he evoked feelings and emotions I had never felt before.

"You are so wet," he whispered in my ear, "I want you so badly."

I kissed him in response, trying to urge him on. He rolled me onto my back and softly entered me. I really didn't know that he had until he was deep inside of me. To my surprise, there was no pain, only a wonderful feeling of fullness.

"I don't know how long I can last, Shells," he moaned, nuzzling my neck, "You feel so good."

I wrapped my legs around him and moved my hips, "Please, Jon, please."

Jon braced himself up on one arm and began to move in and out of me, touching my breasts with his free hand. I moaned, feeling something build deep inside of me. I didn't understand what it was. All I did know was that I wanted him deep inside of me. I started moving my hips in time with his.

The muscles in my pelvis tighten and my breath became short. I wrapped my arms around him and couldn't help moaning, "Oh yeah, Jon. Please. Just like that. Oh god."

As we kissed, our tongues intertwining, I felt the feelings inside of me deepen and strengthen until I felt like I was going to burst. Release finally came and I clamped down on him, moaning.

Jon began to pump in faster and faster, turn on by my response, "Shells...Oh Shells. I can't hold out much longer...Oh god."

He drove deeply into me, moaning the whole time. I clung to him, feeling him shoot his sperm deep into me. At the end, he collapsed onto me, holding me tightly.

After we both caught out breaths, Jon pulled out of me and rolled over onto his back. I crawled into his arms and held onto him tightly.

"I love you, Shells," he whispered, kissing my forehead.

"I love you too," I answered.

We laid there in silence, happy and content, and soon, we both drifted off to sleep.