The wind that pushed past her was cold, and reminded her how chilly the city could actually get. It had been years since she had been back, and yet everything seemed so familiar. She stood in front of the nondescript building, in her old neighborhood, wondering how everything could change and yet somehow come full circle.
The twilight was fading quickly to black, so taking a quiet breath she went up the small steps and entered the old apartment building. She finally found her way up to his apartment, and knocked on the door.
Footsteps shuffled to the door and it slid open. He stood there, unassuming in his white t-shirt and jeans, barefoot. He looked the same as years before and she wondered how different on the inside he would be.
"Hey. Did you have trouble finding it?" he asked, giving her the same once over.
"I got a little turned around past the experimental farm, but it was fine" she replied, a bit shell-shocked at being so close to him.
He stepped backward into his apartment.
"Come in" he gestured and walked into the kitchen.
She took off her long dark coat and threw it across a nearby chair. Keeping her heels on, she stepped towards the small living area and surveyed it. Although not ornately furnished, she could tell he put thought into the furniture and everything was fairly clean. There was a big picture window on the far wall; past the shadow of trees the sun was pretty much gone. She suddenly realized how small the apartment seemed. After such a long time, he was larger than life.
"Can I get you a drink? I've got beer and vodka" as he punctuated her thought.
"Sure. Vodka and OJ?" she replied.
Minutes later, they were both seated on opposite ends of the couch, drinks in hand. She noticed he wasn't cheap with the liquor as the quick burn of alcohol traveled down her throat.
"I can't stop thinking about you. It was driving me insane" she said to him directly. Words that had been pent up for so many years finally were flowing. "I know things didn't end so well, and to be honest I don't even think I know you anymore as it's been so long. I have no idea as to what to expect, and the cynical side of me says there's no chance at a Happily Ever After here. I just can't shake this feeling...it's like this terrible part of me can't let go of you and I can't stand being trapped in a lifetime where I'll always be trying to be happy when I feel like I'll never be truly happy unless I have you."
Mike was looking at her intently, not showing any emotion. He looked like he was about to speak, but she knew she had to finish.
"I...I don't expect anything of you. You can't force some things, and obviously things were over otherwise you wouldn't have let me go in the first place. After tonight, I promise I'll stop. No more drunk phone calls, no more yearly emails, nothing. Whatever happens tonight, even if you want me to leave right now and stay out of your life forever, I'll accept it. I just needed one more chance to say I love you, and I always will love you. Not in some abstract, confused way like before. In the way that imaging being your wife, raising our children, growing old together doesn't even say it...." Sarah paused, now returning his gaze. "It's a feeling so deep within me I'll never be able to explain to you. So this is me, laying it out on the line because even if I never see you again, one day I'll hopefully be able to look back on the moment when I gave it everything I had, and won't have regrets because I could never, ever regret loving you."
Mike sat there silently, and suddenly Sarah was flooded with anxiety. What if he asked her to leave? What if there was someone new he hadn't told her about, and she was jeopardizing all of that? She suddenly felt like she couldn't breathe, and the best time to leave was now, before he could respond.
He put down his beer and stood up. He took two steps towards her and sat down again, thigh pressing against hers. Mike leaned down, and pulled off her heels, one and then the other. Sarah's heart was beating so fast she felt like she was going to pass out. A flood of emotions ranging from deliriously happy that she hadn't asked her to leave to fear that this might be the last, LAST time she would ever see him ran rampantly through her.
Mike stood up and swung her around so her legs were on the couch, to which she automatically slid herself downwards so she was lying flat but on her side. He then proceeded to lie down next to her, turning towards her.
The light outside was dimmed to pure black, and Sarah hazily realized how dark the apartment now was, as only a dull light was shining from a room somewhere. He took her hand and wove his fingers into hers while simultaneously intertwining their legs. Mike stared into her eyes, his face inches away from hers. She felt like she couldn't breathe, like she was drowning in him. Her whole body ached, like she was lost in space and without gravity her body could explode.
