Wesley sniffled loudly. The cloistered walk was dreadfully drafty, and he was sure he'd catch his death if he didn't get assigned to a new post soon. If the cold didn't get him, the boredom certainly would.
A gravely voice shattered the gusty midnight quiet. "Boy, over here."
Wes snapped to attention, clutching his polearm tight as he searched the dark gallery for the source of his summons.
"At ease, lad, don't go running me through with that thing now."
Wes squinted into a warm pool of brazier light as the figure showed itself to be none other than Gauwynn Tollere, lord captain of the royal guard and storied hero of a hundred campaigns at least. Even at sixty-something, the old war dog could have laid Wes flat on his ass in the blink of an eye.
"Lord," Wes replied, clapping a hand to his breastplate in salute.
"Wesley, yes?"
Wes nodded, feeling a little silly at the way his ill-fitted steel helm rocked back and forth on his head. "Aye, lord."
"Good. Come along then." The old goat didn't wait for Wes' reply, turning to leave the way he'd come. Wesley glanced around furtively; Lord Tollere was the highest-ranking official in the service, but leaving a post was a capital offense. "Hurry along, lad; I won't let them hang you. Not for this anyway!" His booming bark of a laugh shocked Wes' feet into motion.
Along twisting ways and down endless stairs, Gauwynn led Wesley into the bowels of the imperial palace without so much as a word, occasionally nodding to acknowledge the nervous salutes of other palace guards as they passed.
"In here," the grizzled veteran intoned, pushing into an unremarkable chamber somewhere deep in the keep's undercroft.
A single lamp sputtered greasily from the small table of what was obviously a disused storeroom. Two chairs and a stack of rotting crates completed the decor.
"Close the door, and take a seat."
Wes did as he was bade, leaning his halberd against the wall and setting his helmet on the table. Across from him, the older man groaned nearly as loud as the tortured chair he settled into as it struggled to uphold the immense weight of his muscly bulk and burnished plate mail.
"Phaw," grumbled the elder soldier, slapping his heavy gloves onto the tabletop before producing a pair of stone crocks and a pitcher of heady, fragrant mead from nowhere. "You'll be wanting this, boy. Drink up." Wes accepted the offered cup and drained it in a noisy gulp, wanting his commander to think him a worthy drinking partner. "Good lad. Now, the truth for me, eh? Eh?"
Wesley nodded, suddenly concerned he'd done something wrong. Surely he'd be dead already if he'd done anything to warrant the ire of someone like Lord Tollere. "Yes, lord."
"Good. Good." He scrubbed a hand through his beard to wipe away the errant dregs of his own hasty gulp before carrying on. "When did you last bathe, eh?"
Wes knew better than to do anything other than answer the question directly but failed to keep the puzzled look from his face. "My unit was inspected Thursday last, lord. We scrubbed in the creek that morning."
"Three days then. Not great. Not bad, but not great."
An abrupt knock at the door startled Wes, who turned in time to watch it open just enough to admit the face of a guard he didn't know. "She's on her way, sire. Two minutes."
"Very good, as you were Pymm."
The youth nodded his head and ducked out as swiftly as he'd arrived.
"And your teeth then," Gauwynn carried on, flashing a yellowing smile, "you've got all your teeth, yes?"
Wes stretched his mouth ludicrously in reply, shutting his trap only once his superior had nodded in satisfaction.
"Fine then, that's...that's fine."
Another knock.
"Aye!"
"You called for me lord?" Jocelyn said as she slipped into the small, dank chamber. Wes pursed his lips in what he hoped would pass for a polite smile. The lady's maid was known to him, to say the least.
"Right, yes." The older man suddenly seemed to border on discomfort, which set Wesley's teeth on edge. What could flap the legendary Butcher of Borelia? Surely not mere waifish maiden in her night slip? "Listen to me boy, we said truth, aye?"
Wes nodded. Jocelyn looked on placidly from the corner of the room, obviously having been roused from bed only minutes prior as she stifled a yawn.
"Good. Right. So, uh, have you- you know," he stammered, glancing at Jocelyn briefly, "Have you made it with a lass yet?"
Jocelyn snorted through the tail end of her yawn loudly, failing to hide her laughter.
"I- I have, lord."
"Right, uh. it's just- is something the matter, girl?"
"Apologies, lord," Jocelyn laughed, waving her hand as if to dismiss the fit of giggles.
"Alright," he replied slowly, missing whatever private irony she was enjoying. "That's as may be, but I'll need to, you know, erm." He cleared his throat loudly. "I'll need to know for certain so if you could, uh-"
"Oh, lord I..." Wes began as Jocelyn blurted her own protest loudly alongside him.
"What?!" He demanded.
"That will NOT be happening!" Jocelyn exclaimed angrily.
"But he's washed on Thursday!" Gauwynn pled.
Wes held a hand up to each side, hoping to placate the pair before they came to blows. "Lord, please! She's...she's my cousin!"
"Oh," the older man said sheepishly.
"Sick old man," Jocelyn said, turning her nose up and folding her arms resolutely. "Waking me up in the middle of the night to watch me fuck my cousin. Wait till Her Majesty hears about this!"
"That's not what this is!" he blurted out. "And there's no need to bother Her with this; she...she already knows. Well, she already knows enough."
It was Jocelyn's turn to be humbled. "Oh, I... of course. Apologies, lord. I didn't know that's what this was."
"It's fine," he muttered. Wes was sure now that he was missing out on some shared conspiracy between them. "All of us serve the royal family faithfully, each in our own way."
"I can vouch for him, sire; he took Lillen to bed not two moons ago. She told us all he was...very vigorous."
Gauwynn cleared his throat again needlessly. "Very good," he said to his feet. "That'll...that'll do fine. Pymm can walk you back to your quarters then. Sorry to disturb you."
Without another word, Wes' cousin popped an admirably appropriate curtsey, given the confusion of the preceding minutes, before showing herself out. By the time Wes turned back to face the man, he'd foregone his cup entirely in favor of draining the entire pitcher of mead sloppily.
"Nice girl," he said as he hammered the jug back onto the table.
"The temper's from my mother's side," Wes mumbled, earning a wry chuckle from the old vet.
"Aye, well, it was my mistake. Half the palace is related in some way or another. But anyway, let's get this dog and pony show over with, eh?"
Wes nodded, still almost entirely unsure what dogs and ponies he'd be shown.
*******
As Gauwynn had promised on the long ascent to the West wing's uppermost tower, the generously appointed antechamber had an empty rack for his armor. With shaky hands, Wes fumbled with the straps and buckles that secured his plates, greaves, pauldrons, and gauntlets in place. It was only after he kicked his boots off that Wes realized he'd likely tracked mud all over the expensive-looking carpet on the floor.
"Shit," he muttered, trying and failing to ignore the heavy door at the other end of the room.
"Your shirt too," whispered a voice from behind a heavily draped tapestry behind him.
Wes spun, tired of being snuck up on that night. "What?"
"Your shirt," said the voice again. A corner of the tapestry peeled back to reveal a trio of maidens all leaning over one another, obviously crowded into a hidden passage of some sort. Wes conceded that it made sense that there might be secret rooms and escape routes twisting all through this part of the castle. With a start, he recognized all but one of the faces.
"Lillen?"
"What?! I wanted to see for myself. Here!" She lobbed a brick of fragrant soap at him, pointing at a standing basin in the corner of the candlelit drawing room. "Scrub your balls," she whispered as loud as she dared.
"Not while she's watching!" He replied, pointing at his cousin.
"Fine," Jocelyn spat breathily, "Just don't fuck this up or the whole family's dead!"