Happy April Fool's, Ya Poor Bastard
Copyright (c) 2019 James Miehoff, All Rights Reserved.
This work may not be published whether for fee or free without this copyright.
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This is one of a series of stories set in what I call Universe-J. Universe-J is very much like this universe with a few exceptions.
First the people tend to be a little more sexual and less hung up on sex that they are in our universe. This does not mean that monogamy is the exception. James and Heather were monogamous for a significant amount of time before they "accidentally" swapped partners.
Second the repercussions of unprotected sex are less severe than our universe. Not to say that STDs and unexpected pregnancies don't occur, just that they occur less frequently and in the case of STDs, a good shot of antibiotic will put you right again. HIV has yet to be introduced so STDs aren't a death sentence there.
Lastly, pedophilia and incest (which I will not be writing about) are virtually unknown. Children are to be protected and loved not abused. When they reach the age of consent, they can join in the adult games if they so desire, but there is no pressure on them to do so.
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[Author's Note: This is a significant departure from my usual stories. There is not a lot of sex and the subject is much darker than my usual material. Like duct tape and most people, I have a light side and a dark side and once in a while the dark side takes the joystick and flies the ship over the wall.
You have been warned.]
Phil woke up screaming. His left foot was bent in a perfect arc from the cramp in the arch of that foot. The agony was most intense and delicious, if you are into pain. Unfortunately, Phil was not.
He kicked off the covers and swung his legs over the side of the bed and tried to stand up. The muscle cramp shifted and then settled into a waiting game as he tried to figure out what to do.
Then the alarm went off.
'FUCK!' went one of the voices in his head.
Phil looked and saw no reaction from the 120 pounds of sleeping wife.
Reluctantly he hobbled over and turned off the alarm, all the while marveling at Nancy's ability to sleep the sleep of the dead through almost anything, anything but sex.
He poked her arm. Nothing.
He poked her again. Nothing, no reaction.
He slipped a hand around and cupped her breast through the silky nightgown. At last, a reaction, she moved her arm and pulled his hand away.
"I'm awake. I'm awake. You can stop fondling me," she said crossly.
"You wanted me to make sure I got you up before I left," he said.
Nancy slid her long and very sexy legs (at least in Phil's opinion) out of the bed, flashing him a glimpse of her cooter before she pulled the errant nightgown down. Standing up she stepped right on Phil's left foot, smashing his arch down and releasing the cramp. Continuing she walked right past his penis, which was still very erect in the morning wood state, and headed straight for the bathroom.
Phil was still standing there when she came out of the bathroom and peeled her nightgown off and tossed it to him before she turned and started the shower. His penis throbbed a little at the sight of his naked wife. Turning he threw the nightgown on the bed and started to head into the bath area, just in time to get hit with the shower door as Nancy stepped in.
"Sorry," she called out. "I didn't see you sneaking up on me."
"No problem," he said rubbing his nose.
The sight of his wife in the shower continued to excite him, but he had to pee. Stepping into the toilet area he savored the feeling of his morning pee until it was just dribbling. He had been stroking himself and so when he stepped out after flushing, he was still as hard as before.
Just as he cleared the door, Nancy stepped out and grabbed a towel off the warming rack and headed to stand on the rug in front of her sink.
Glancing back at Phil's condition, she thought, 'Still got it babe!' and allowed herself a little smile.
Seeing his wife's backside, Phil stepped up and took one end of the towel and began to dry her back. When he was done, he bent down to kiss her neck. She sighed and pushed her ass back at him signaling that if he wanted some action he had better get busy.
'Hot damn!' went one of the pesky voices in his head as he grabbed the bottle of lube.
Applying a liberal glob to his hand he swiped some across the head of his manhood and applied the rest to his wife's feminine parts. Grabbing his throbbing erection he guided it into the Promised Land and slowly pressed home.
As he worked his way fully in, his thumb lightly brushed across the crinkled pucker of his wife's other hole. Getting no reaction, he continued to stroke it and then feeling particularly bold or just plain horny, he pressed forward with his thumb and felt it sink in without complaint.
'Double hot damn!' said that pesky voice.
Getting into it, he began stroking his penis and his thumb together in and out of her holes getting more and more excited.
Until, in his excitement, he pulled his penis back too far and slipped out.
Nancy's heels hit the floor with a distinct thud and she turned quickly pulling his thumb out as well.
"You are not fucking my ass," she said in a 'don't bother to beg' tone of voice as she stomped over to grab a washcloth and wiped the lube off.
The mood shattered, Phil just stood there holding himself as his erection evaporated. Slumping his shoulders, he headed for the shower hoping that soaping himself might revive his fortunes and allow him to get off. It didn't help.
By the time he was out of the shower, his wife was dressed and gone. Sighing, Phil got dressed and collected his laptop and stuffed it in his backpack.
On the way to the car, another of the voices in his head laughed and called out, 'Packing your backpack, just like a good little fifth grader, eh Phil?'
He mentally flipped the voice the bird.
All the way to the office Phil had a running debate with himself.
'The presentation is good. You don't need to do this. Go golf. Relax. You will do great in the presentation tomorrow.'
'You need to work on the wording on the third slide. It's too passive. You need to punch it up.'
As he sped up to pass a drunk weaving his car across three lanes another voice chimed up, 'That guy has the right idea. Go get a beer and relax.'
'No. You need to make the colors on the table on page 12 look better. That blue is really wimpy.'
Phil got off the freeway and drove the dozen blocks to his office only vaguely aware of the light traffic around him. At last he put his turn signal on and prepared to turn into the parking garage when a vague sense of danger made him start to look to his right.
** CRASH **
When Phil regained consciousness, the world was wrong. At first he blamed it on the fact that there were two of everything, but when he closed his left eye, the world still looked wrong. After a few more seconds he realized that it was because his car was upside down and he was hanging from his seat belt.
Just then, there was a grinding noise and his car flipped over, back onto the tires. He watched as a large hook tore part of his fender off.
'Insurance company is gonna be pissed,' said one of the voices.
Just then a couple of men in fireman outfits ran up to his car and some kind of cutters began tearing a hole in the roof of his car.
'Insurance company is gonna be really pissed,' said another of the voices.
Phil reached over and unlocked the door and opened it.
The first fireman shot a stern look at the second one, who was holding the hoses. The second fireman just shrugged as the first stopped trying to turn Phil's car into a convertible.
"You ok, dude?" the first fireman asked.
Phil just nodded, still in shock.
"Just sit still. The EMS guys are bringing a stretcher. They are going to take you to the hospital," said the first fireman as he pulled the Jaws of Life out of the roof of Phil's car.
Phil nodded again.
The EMS guys got Phil out of the car and onto the stretcher without too much more damage. As long as you don't count the extra knock on Phil's head when they lifted him up and bashed it on the frame of his car. Or the smashed up right knee when they dropped him and he smashed that knee on the pavement before they caught him.
A cop caught up to him before they shoved him into the ambulance. The cop was sympathetic, but needed to know if Phil knew what happened. Phil shook his head and regretted it. The cop regretted it more when Phil puked on his shoes.
As the world swirled around him, he heard the cop asking somebody else something and only heard the reply, "It was a big white truck. You know the kind with 2 big wheels on the back. It was flying along and just smashed that car and flipped it over, then kept on going. A real crash and dash."
Phil didn't hear the question, but the reply was, "No. It just had one of those paper plates on it, like dealers put on new cars, except this truck was anything but new. It was dented all over."
A female voice added, "And the whole back was loaded with bricks. It looked like 3 or 4 pallets of brand new bricks."
As Phil looked over, he saw a kid hanging around the front of what was left of his car. Typical thug wanna be. Grey hoodie, pants down to his knees showing off his polka dot boxers. Suddenly the kid reached into the front seat of Phil's car and came up with Phil's backpack and quickly ran away.
"Stop him!" Phil yelled. "Stop that son of a bitch! He just stole my backpack."
