Handyman Jimmy 01

Handyman Jimmy 01

"Well Jimmy, what's the verdict?"

"It's not great, yet it's not too bad, Mrs. Allister."

"Great, just the response I have come to expect from a man. Maybe yes and maybe no. Or otherwise known as the main reason my ex-hubby is my ex-hubby."

"Hey, take it easy on me. I'm not saying that it's your fault. I mean, shame on the original contractors for installing the driveway lamp post where they did, right Mrs. Allister? I mean, I'm not asking you if you actually made a left hand turn on the grass or anything, but the nerve of the contractors to place the outdoor lamp post way over here, way away from the driveway, right?"

"Exactly! Wait, unless that was sarcasm. Was that sarcasm, Jimmy?"

"Well, you know us men folk, Mrs. Allister, maybe yes and maybe no, LOL. Anyways, you basically have two choices. I can stand it back up straight and refill the hole with fix-it cement and hope that you didn't rip the wiring out or I can just remove it all together and dead end the wires in the bottom of the hole and at the low voltage transformer in your basement. I'm may not an expert, but I think these types of outdoor lamp posts are a little dated."

Well, hells bells, I think Mrs. Allister took that wrong and I say that because one of her specialties is the way she leans her shoulders back, crosses her arms and taps one of her toes as she tries to figure out what the situation is, like the situation where is trying to determine if I just said that she dated, which I did not, by the way. It's the lawn lamp posts that are dead, not Mrs. Allister.

"And clearly, what I mean by that Mrs. Allister, is just look up and down the street and you will notice that your lamp post is the last lamp post standing. Well, it's clearly leaning right now, but you get what I'm saying, right Mrs. Allister?"

"Hmmm, and another thing I've come to expect from a man, LOL, a quick "cover my butt" come back and more sarcasm. But now that you mention it, you do seem to be right about mine being the only one in sight. Anyways, fine, you can just remove the entire thing."

"Cool, um, I'll be here about 9am or so tomorrow morning to remove it, fill in the hole with a little dirt and disconnect the wiring at the transformer, alright Mrs. Allister?"

"Alright Jimmy, I'll look forward to a morning of sarcasm free handyman work from you."

"Now, now, Mrs. Allister."

"Oops, where have my manners gone, Jimmy. Oh, my stars kind sir, I do declare that I'll be on pins and needles until the early hours of the morning (eye bat) when you, as a man and my savior, will bless me with your gracious and manly efforts to remove my lamp post that I do declare, looks like it went through a hurricane. And by the fortunes provided by the local grocery store kind sir, do I dare provide you with a bold coffee before the sun rises too high in the sky and maybe, I do declare, an ice cold ice tea when it becomes (eye bat) unbearable (eye bat) to work under once the sun gets higher in the sky, kind sir?"

Well, she forgot to twist on one foot and screw her index finger into her chin and all, but that response was much better.

"Shoot, I'm sorry Jimmy, I've still lost my manners. I think I was supposed to twist on one foot and screw my index finger into my chin, so I'll double up in the morning. So, are we done for now then, Jimmy? I need to finish getting ready for my Friday night Bridge game tonight."

"Yeah, we're done for tonight, Mrs. Allister and I'll get out of your way because I can clearly see that a change of clothing would be appropriate for a Friday evening of playing Bridge with the gossip club."

"Oh, kind sir, whatever do you mean? As the universe is my witness, I do declare that (eye bat) I'm just a (toe twist) poor helpless southern belle who has no secrets to hide (finger to chin) and just wants to enjoy an evening playing a few games of Bridge with the other southern belles."

"Well, as a scum of the earth man and a kind sir, I am no expert, but I've been to the mall and I do declare, I have seen many a pair of comfortable mom jeans and your jeans seem to be a little different. They look more like "these jeans are too tight to play Bridge in" style jeans or something, not that it's any of my business or anything."

"Fine Jimmy, I don't even know how to play Bridge. I've been going to the Line Dance club every other Friday night, but at least there are men there. Not that's it's any of your business, nosey handyman."

"Hey, I'm just the hired help and I don't judge. That actually sounds pretty cool, Mrs. Allister and I hope you have a lot fun. It just seems silly to hide something like that, not that it's any of my business."

"Well, you started it Jimmy, so finish it off. Do I look nice in them or not? I did up my game for tonight in terms of how tight they fit. I went with the shoehorn and baby oil required style."

"You absolutely look great in them, Mrs. Allister. Or they look great on you, either way. Anyways, I'm sure that you will have the men lining up to have a line dance with you and if I'm not being out of line, I'd keep you in my line of sight too. At the Line Dance club. If I went to the Line Dance club."

"Well, I guess we'll just leave that as it is for now, Jimmy. Um, I do declare."

Here was the silver lining of this project. LOL, her attempt to get her car closer to the door to unload her car did more than half of the work for me. I checked it out and figured that with a hand full of wiggles and pulls, the post would be out of the ground pretty quick. And because silver linings always go in my favor, that's about the way it went. Wiggle, wiggle, pull, pull, snip the wires, fill in the hole with some dirt from her backyard and disconnect the wires at the low voltage transformer in her basement. Not that I worked all that fast because I do declare, I was promised a bold coffee and I was going to get that coffee.

"Mrs. Allister, I'm not even going to ask you how things went last night at the Line Dance club because that's your business, but if you want to talk about anything while I have a few sips of my coffee which I suspect is coming soon, well, I'm half handyman and half good listener."

"Oh, my kind savior sir, why would you ever doubt little ole me? By the graces of the good earth and a simple social media search, I do declare that your coffee is double-double bold with a pleasing mixture of one and one. Oh, and if I forgot a do declare, then I do declare oh kind sir because it feels like I'm running one "do declare" behind."

Well, I do declare that there is nothing wrong with a nice pair of thin Saturday morning white cotton shorts and a red blouse either. And by way, wasn't I extremely clear when I said that she didn't need to dish about what happened at the dance club the night before? I mean, wasn't she suppose to hear it the other way around and spill the beans on whether she slept on the left side of her bed or diagonal in her bed? These were the questions that consumed my mind as I sipped my morning coffee and gazed upon her Saturday morning cleavage before getting started with my easiest side job ever.

"Jimmy, I think the little transformer thingmabob is above the washing machine in the basement, so I'll go into the basement in a few minutes to make sure that there is a clear path for you. I mean, I'm sure you don't care to see what's in my laundry basket and all."

"And in the meantime, you're going to have your coffee on the front porch and watch that I don't refill the hole with dirt the wrong way, Mrs. Allister?"

"Well, I do declare kind sir, with the beautiful morning sun as my witness, my intentions are pure and innocent. But you know, right Jimmy? I don't want to stumble from a hole that is not properly filled or anything, so stomp it good and stomp it hard."

Well, with the glorious morning sun as my witness, I do declare that my intentions were much less pure and innocent. I mean, whoever invented those blouses that tie across the stomach knew what they were doing. And don't hammer on me for thinking about making a move on Mrs. Allister. I mean, just who is really all that pure and innocent these days? LOL, nobody in the city of Middleton!

And LOL, it took me longer to tape back the ends of the wires and shove them in the bottom of the hole then it did to remove the entire lamp post. The hole that I properly filled, by the way.

"Alright, that's done. And don't worry about the dirt spot. Your grass will find it and grow over it and the trash man will take the post as is, so lead the way to the basement and by the way, I clearly and officially stated earlier that your club business is your business, so did you sleep on the left side of your bed last night or did you sleep alone and diagonal on your bed last night, Mrs. Allister? It's not a crime to hook up with someone these days, you know."

"Oh, ah, I may not be up with the lingo, but I suppose I could have slept diagonal in my bed last night, if we're talking about the same thing, which we shouldn't be talking about. But look, I have a lot fun at the Line Dance club and I socialize with everyone, but the ratio is about 3 men for about every 8 women and if you're not willing to, um, ugh, put out on the spot, well, they just move on and play the odds. However, to make sure that I get in the last word, LOL, I think that men start to fall apart at the seams after 40 and I'm not convinced that they could, well, do it. I mean, back in my day, men got mentally excited and hard at the same time while most of those men at the Line Dance club seem to just get mentally excited."

Hey, my bad, right? I basically asked if she got lucky or not, you know, like a yes or no question, so I should have expected chapter 3 of the romance manual, I suppose.

"I mean Jimmy, is there even a word or phrase for being dry humped from a limp dick? I mean, am I suppose to update the garden gossip club ladies with something like I was limped dicked in the corner of the Line Dance club? I mean, that Maggie is always talking about how she gets long dicked all the time, so how I'm supposed to sip my tea with a smirk on my face and say "hey, I got soft dicked last night" or something? These are the questions that consume my mind Jimmy as I sip my coffee and notice how you can't stop staring at my chest while you sip your coffee and ask me questions that are none of your business. I mean, your words, right Jimmy?"

Yup, still my bad for asking a simple yes or no question.

"Anyways, I've been learning the ropes and I've heard that there is bigger dance club in Hillsdale, so who knows which way I'll sleep in my bed in a few months. Um, what was your question again, Jimmy?"

LOL, like I can remember that far back when such a nice pair of thin white cotton shorts were leading me down the basement stairway.

"Oh, it wasn't a question. I was just saying that without a lawn lamp post, you could shop around for a new light fixture for your front porch lamp. They are pretty easy to swap out these days."

"Oh, sorry Jimmy, I thought you asked if I wanted to swap spit with you this morning. Right here. In my basement. While we're both right here. Alone in the basement. And oops, kind sir, as the ever-flowing rivers have blessed all the good people of the earth, please kind sir, tell poor little ole me that swapping spit just means kissing or making out? I mean, I do declare that old geezer Mr. Thomas may have meant it another way and ewe, that's gross!"

Well, I was Mrs. Allister's handyman for the day and all, so I made myself handy, you know, for a few minutes anyways.

"Oh, wow, well Jimmy, whew, I guess we just did that and all, so, ah, the thingamabob is just above us on the basement rafter and whew, my morning mauve lip gloss is all over your lips and you got hard from all that, which is OK Jimmy because at least now I can brag at the garden gossip tea party that I took it hard on my front and when you've done messing around with the thingamabob on the rafter, well, maybe you want to bring your special thingamabob upstairs and maybe fuck me diagonal in my bed because the diagonal position seems to be important to you because you keep asking about it and as I just said that I realized that I haven't had to worry about having a man's thingamabob squirting inside of me in a long time and I don't have anything for that, so maybe we should just go about our own business after you've finished, whew, and take the proper protection steps for when you replace the light fixture on my front porch and by the way, because I don't have anything today and ooh la, la, I'm horny, well, can you replace my porch fixture tomorrow morning or even later tonight because ooh, la, la, your thingamabob is reconfirming to me that the old geezers at the Line Dance club can't get it up and I can clearly feel that you're still up and are you willing to risk fucking me this morning anyways, like right now? Whew, I need to catch my breath!"

I mean, I caught a few of her words, you know, like 6 or 7 of them.

"I mean, I'd ask you to pull out, but I don't think that has ever worked in the history of mankind, so if I suck your dick today, then you have to promise that you will come back another time and give me what I need between my legs and it still counts if I'm on my hands and knees, although I think a good blow job will be worth both positions in return unless you have another idea, which I would love to hear and I hope that you want it diagonally doggie on my bed, but you can't just dump down my throat today and never come back! Whew!"

I mean, I heard a two for one deal, didn't I?

"OMG, wait, you're young, so certainly you have some condoms in your truck, which I hope are in the glove box because your work truck always seems to be kind of dirty all the time and by the way, wow, can we make out for a few minutes more because that was really great?"

I shouldn't even need to say that I updated the job work order description immediately.

"OK, fine, we can risk it because we're kissing again and you're feeling up my boobs and I'm feeling up your thingamabob and OMG, maybe I can suck you off twice to get rid of most of your swimmers, but you have to promise to not fall asleep on me because OMG Jimmy, I need the sex right now!"

You know, there is something special and magical about the way a woman removes her shorts, am I right? I mean, I don't know if it's just because of their body shape or the way they gently lean over to remove them, but it's a magical sight to behold. But my question is WTF? Her shorts were on when we first starting kissing and I know they were when she babbled on for 12 minutes and I'm positive they were on when we started kissing for the second time, so where was I when they came off because I apparently missed that lovely vision.

"And I'm sorry for the normal size of my boobs Jimmy, although you didn't seem to mind just now, so can we take this upstairs now? And don't be shy about holding onto my boobs as I lead the way while you hold on tight and follow the bouncing ball."

Huh? I have been referred to as shy before, so what better way to get over my shyness than to put myself out there and follow as closely behind her as I could. You know, to have the best reach around as possible, not to mention how closely I molded into her bouncing ball. And by the way, LOL, it's just as magical to watch a woman remove a man's shorts too! I mean, her washing machine was right there and all, right?

"Wow Jimmy, that's what I call dry humping! So, ooh, Jimmy, ah, if this is a thing and this sex thing is another way of dumping some of your swimmers, well, OK then and OMG, if you want me to keep walking or brace myself against a wall, then you just say so and OMG, Jimmy, OK, up against the wall it is. Oh, um, if this isn't a sex thing, then it should be a sex thing, wow!"

Well, it was her idea to get rid of two loads of my swimmers and even though her suggestion of two blow jobs sounded amazing, well, I just wanted to help out and all, you know, do my part, between her butt cheeks.

"Damn, damn Jimmy, can I assume that you don't mind the size of my ass then? Also, can I assume that there is quite the sticky mess back there now also? Not that I care, Jimmy, not that I care."

"LOL, you can use your bathroom, Mrs. Allister to clean up a little bit because, BOOM, your back and your butt cheeks are a mess, not to mention maybe they are mine now."

"OK, but don't wander off or fall asleep on me, alright? And it might be better if you call me Alice if you're going to stick your dick in my mouth. BRB."

"Well, that looks like the entire swim team on your back and your butt to me, so if you want to go right to it in a diagonal positional fashion, well, I'll just go find your bedroom and be waiting for you."

Oh, LOL, Mrs. Allister liked that idea alright. Now, I may not own the copyright to the diagonal position, but I owned it in Alice Allister's bedroom.

LOL, and yes, she talked like 300 words a minute the entire time.

End Handyman Jimmy 01