Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?

Guess who's coming to dinner?

It's Saturday night and we're having friends over for dinner.

Maxine and I hooked up at University during Fresher's week, which was also a long, long time ago. More time than I care to think about, frankly. Ben and I also go way back, something like fifteen years, perhaps more. I can't quite recall.

Ben is the quiet, thoughtful type. He thinks before he speaks. He's an Action Man. He does stuff rather than just talking about doing stuff. He's incredibly athletic, the kind of guy who gets out of bed on a Saturday morning and walks up Helvellyn just because it's there, or cycles up to Edinburgh because he fancies a trip out.

Maxine is his wife of six years and the exact opposite. She's a Geek's wet dream and earns a crust designing environments for a local computer games company. Chances are, if you're a serious gamer or even a not-so-serious gamer, then you've been looking at her work.

Maxine is also damnably sexy. Physically, she's curvy in all the right places and has a waist to die for. Tonight, her hair is short and dyed impossibly blonde, and is presently wrapped in a Rosey-the-Riveter style polkadot head scarf. Her outfit for the evening is her usual Hipster garb - careworn and frayed dungarees, which stop just below the knee, Converse all-star Baseball boots replete with black and red striped socks and, of course, there's the obligatory band-who-nobody-has-ever-heard-of ripped t-shirt, which seems more or less part of her uniform these days. Imagine the outcome if Marilyn Munro had enjoyed a fling with Dennis the Menace or SuperMario. That's Maxine in a nutshell.

As a projection, it's fairly close to the mark because, tonight, Maxine is quite literally bouncing off the walls. Turns out she's been mainlining coffee since four this morning, trying to meet yet another impossible deadline. I don't know how Ben keeps up with her, frankly and he's the athletic one.

Okay, back to this evening. I'm on kitchen duties. The menu is entirely vegan. Ben and Max gave up meat years ago so we're accustomed to their requirements. Anyway, I'm vegetarian these days. Alex, my husband, nearly so. Trust me, the menu won't suit you carnivores out there.

We sit down to eat at around seven thirty and all is going well. Alex is the perfect host, managing the comfortable, easy-going (if occasionally racy) conversation like a pro. Max is being her usual over-the-top self and Ben is sitting, calmly smiling. The wine is flowing smoothly without anybody getting too drunk to stand up. Don't worry. I've already set out the guest room with clean linen because I don't want them to go home too soon or risk driving whilst under the influence. Not that they would, anyway.

To business.

Alex and I have some important news. We exchange a knowing glance. It's time.

I stand and tap my glass with my spoon, and then wait for silence.

Silence and Maxine do not go well together.

"Guys! If I may interrupt..."

Here we go. My stomach is doing backflips.

"Alex and I have some news for you..."

"Me first!" shouts Maxine. "Me first!"

"Okay..." I whisper. I figure our news can wait a little longer. "Go on then..."

"I got the last of my tats finished," shouts Maxine.

I glance across as Alex, who rolls his eyes in silent disbelief. Like this was important news.

"I got my chest done, and my calves and finally, my thighs," continues Maxine. "They look terrific. Wanna see?"

Maxine then starts to unbutton her top.

"Err, Max!" says Ben in a tone that is a little more alpha than usual. "Shush, will you? I have a feeling that this is a little more important than your tater-tats..."

"Indeed," I whisper.

"Go on then," says Ben. "Let's hear it. Your news..."

I take a deep breath and "Well, as you may have gathered... "

Alex is quietly beaming from ear to ear...

I point at the dinner table, specifically at the glass of water in front of me. I haven't touched a drop of alcohol all night.

"Nooooo...." whispers Ben. "You're not? Really?"

"Yes, I am," I whisper.

"Am what?" says Maxine, clearly puzzled.

"Duh..." says Ben, smiling. "You haven't guessed?"

I shake my head in disbelief. "Expecting..."

Maxine looks even more puzzled. "As in?"

Here we go. Bite the bullet.

"I'm knocked up," I whisper. "Pregnant. Up the Duff. A Bun in the Oven. Expecting a delivery from the big white stork... "

And the room erupts.

Hugs all round. Much laughing and happy, groovy thoughts.

Yeah for me. I'd drink a toast but... you know... So I don't. They do though. And then some.

An hour later and everyone is seriously merry. I'm good. I'm happy. But I also have a mountain of washing up to crawl through. Ugh.

Alex and Ben to the rescue. They get the kitchen back into some sort of order because I'm knackered. I am grateful though. A gal in my condition needs to take life at a slower pace.

Max and I are left all alone to chew the fat, so to speak.

"So," I whisper when the coast is clear. "Your tats? Do we get a look see?"

"Hell, yeah, if you want," says Max. "How will Alex cope? Will he get all prissy and..."

I shake my head. "What about Ben?"

Max shakes her head. "Lord, no! He'll be fine. He's a changed man these days... "

"Meaning?"

"You know his little problem?" whispers Maxine.

"You mean the whole retro-active jealousy thing?"

Maxine nods. "Yeah, that. It's a fucking nuisance that is," she says.

"And?"

"Well, I took him to one of Lucy's Christmas parties," she whispers. "Promise to keep a secret?"

I nod. "Yeah, why?"

"Promise?"

"Yeah, of course. Cross my heart."

Maxine checks that the coast is clear. "I took Ben to one of Lucy-Loo's sexy parties for a combined birthday / Christmas present," she said. "Got him laid. Whored him out..."

"Laid? Who off? Not that it's my business but..."

Maxine laughed. "Actually, I got him fucked three times," she says, holding up the requisite number of fingers.

I'm shocked. "Three times? Who with? Come on. Spill the beans."

"First one was a friend of Lucy," said Maxine. "Her name was Gail. It felt a bit predatory at first. She was miserable and clearly having some terrible, terrible trouble with her ex-husband when Ben got talking to her. This Gail wanted to teach her husband, or soon to be ex-husband, a lesson. So she fucked Ben. And me, sort of."

"Lord above..."

"Thing is..." said Max. "All the while she's fucking Ben, and I'm lying there watching his cock sliding in and out of her pus, this Gail character is busy texting her ex to say 'Just to let you know, I've got a cock in me. A real big cock, and it's right up me'. Even sent him a quick vid of Ben's dick doing the business."

"Fuck..." I whisper. "She sounds like a right nutter..."

Maxine sniggers. "Yup. Indeed. Chalk another notch on the 'weird shit' account, eh?"

"And how did her ex take it?" I asked.

"Set the cops on her," said Max. "According to the grapevine, Gail ended up with a Police Caution for harassment. Then she got banned from Facebook and Twitter for posting shit. We won't be seeing her again."

"Who else?" I asked. "Come on. Who else?"

"A friend of Lucy's," said Max. "Megan. Know her?"

"Tall girl? Skinny? Nice face? Used to go out with Peachy?"

"Yeah, that's her," said Max. "Lovely girl. Good fun. Very accommodating."

I laughed. "Sounds like you got some too?"

Maxine smiles. "I might have done."

"How? I mean... how?"

"We were on the point of leaving," said Max. "When Megan just walked up to us and started chatting. After that, it became a little obvious that she wanted something more than just small talk."
"And?"

"And... we found a spare room and... just got down to it."

"Oh come on," I said. "You can't just leave that hanging there. Tell me! What happened?"

"What happened? Well, Megan just kinda dropped her pants and asked for a fuck. Plain and simple. Ben didn't want just a plain fuck. Asked for more. Wanted to see Megan and me going at each other. And I'm not one to argue. So, I ended up on my back with Megan's thighs over my head and Ben's dick in me. Then we swapped places and, well, that was more than good. Megan is seriously good as licking pussy... Poor Benny-boy. Didn't last long though. Not with that vision in front of him. He popped before she did so I finished her off with some mouth-music. Lovely stuff."

"And Lucy? Where does she come into it?" I asked.

"Ah, well," said Max. "Neither of us felt safe to drive so we just found a corner and dossed, and I guess it was shortly after two in the morning, Lucy did 'her rounds'. Like some kind of horny Florence Nightingale, she went around the house with a candle and fucked anyone who was still awake, or maybe not quite awake."

"Did Ben have... you know.. protection?"

Max nodded. "Every time," she said. "We took a full box of little rubber friends along. Didn't expect to use half of them. Ended up giving a couple away when Lucy's supply had run out. Man, we saw some sex that night."

"But what about Ben? Wasn't he exhausted?"

Maxine laughed out loud. "His cock was a bit sore. Friction from all of those rubbers but... he was happy enough. Gave me another quickie up a lane on the way home the following morning.

Max paused. "Anyway, the most important issue is..."

Another pause. "He's now had more girls than I've had boys so he's over his whole retroactive jealousy thing."

"Oh," I said. "It's still bothering him?"

"A little," said Max. We occasionally see Remmy and Boon, and he knows I hooked up with them, even if it was years and years ago."

"Not all three of you, surely?"

"Once," said Max. "Wasn't as much fun as you might imagine."

"Really?"

"Really..."

"Oh..."

Alex and Ben returned from the dreaded washing up mountain unscathed although both had been at the wine, that much was obvious.

"So," says Alex falling into his favourite armchair as gracelessly as a bag of whelks. "When do we get to see those tats?"

"Really? You're still interested in that sort of thing after your news?" said Max. "I'd have thought you'd have your mind on matters more domestic."

"Not at all," said Alex. "It's just that... having dangling the prospect in front of us, I must now reflect upon the fact that certain pleasures will be beyond my reach for the next year or more."

I note that Ben is smiling from ear to ear. Have they got something cooking up?

"You want to see them?" asks Maxine.

We all nod, more or less in unison.

Max smiles. "All of them or just the edited highlights?"

"Well," said Alex. "I think that I speak for us all here tonight. Yes? No?"

"Sure," says Ben.

"Definitely", says me.

Alex smiles. "Then, M'Dear. It's our collective view that we would like to see the whole lot."

"All of them?" asks Maxine. "Even the..."

"Even those," says Ben.

"Okay, if you're sure,"

"We are..." says Alex.

Maxine stands and undoes the clips on her dungarees. "You sure?" she says, plainly hesitating.

"Yup," we all nod together.

The All-stars are kicked off and they bounce into the distance. Next come the dungarees which are removed without any major fuss. We're left with a tiny white thong thing, the t-shirt and the black/red socks.

"Enough or do I need to remove more?" she asks.

"More, of course," says Ben. He's seriously getting off on this.

The t-shirt follows and well, there you go. There's a topless woman in my lounge. Not for the first time, I should add but that's another story for another day.

"Here you go," says Max. "Enjoy..."

Her back is just one huge Anubis tattoo, about eighteen inches tall, almost entirely monochrome but with eyes coloured a flaming red. Her shoulders are capped with a pair of Scarabs, one wheeling the Sun across the sky, the other pushing the Moon.

There's an Isis figure emblazoned across her chest with wings spreading under her breasts. She's posted snaps of the 'work-in-progress' over on Facebook throughout the last couple of months so I sort of knew what to expect but, in the flesh so to speak, they're incredible.

Her thighs follow another theme altogether. On the left, the face of actor Malcolm McDowell, in a scene from Stanley Kubrick's "A Clockwork Orange" (the bit where Malcolm's eyelids are peeled back). On the right, the iconic "Here's Johnny" pose from Kubrick's "The Shining", where Jack Nicholson's head pokes through a shattered bathroom door.

Her calves are emblazoned with a pair of Celtic dragons winding their way down to her ankles. Her toes are, like her arms and wrists, a mass of Sanskrit and Arabic.

My eyes lift towards her neck, which is replete with a variety of designs, some old, from her tribal phase, others more recent, continuing the Egyptian theme. A Sphinx. Another Anubis. Sett, the Cat God. And so on.

"Wowza... " whispers Alex. "Amazing... I mean... Do they hurt? Can I touch?"

"Touch all you like," says Max but ask permission first.

Alex turns to Ben. "Dude, may I touch up your missus?"

Ben smiles. "Go for it, my friend," he says. "Enjoy..."

Alex then turns to me. "May I?"

He doesn't need to ask my permission - we know each other too well for that - but I'm pleased he does all the same.

So, I sit back and watch my darling husband and his best friend touch up and generally grope my female Bestie. It's a strange feeling and, to be honest, brutally honest, I feel like I'm being cuckolded, right in front of me. And in my own house, too.

That said, I wouldn't mind getting touched up myself.

So...

Time to act.

Time to get in on the action.

I kick my shoes off and flop down at Maxine's feet. Looking up, the view is intoxicating. She's like an enormous statue, stiff legged and firm, her breasts jutting out in front of her, like wind-sculpted snow overhanging a mountainous rock face.

A snake climbs up her thighs and towards her belly button, although I cannot glimpse the reptile's passage in full because its path is blocked by her thong. I'm curious. I want to see where it goes.

I reach up placing my thumbs into her waistband and pull down ever so slightly.

Maxine shuts her eyes, looks skywards and exhales. Ben whispers "Wow..." as I pull gently until a few hairs, like tiny spider's legs, poke above the fabric.

"I wanna see where this goes..." I whisper.

Maxine says nothing but I can see her chest heaving up and down. Alex has a commanding rear view of her astonishing behind and is clearly not about to complain.

I turn to face Ben. "A little further, perhaps?"

He nods once, his face solid, stoic even.

Maxine's knickers are lowered to half mast, like the Union flag above an ancestral home, as if announcing the untimely demise of an elder statesmen. And then we are presented with Maxine's pussy, the most finely sculpted and throughly manicured specimen of female pubage, you will never see in the Northern hemisphere, or even the southern Hemisphere. It's rich and full and dark, and has been precisely formed into a near-perfect isosceles triangle.

And my suspicions were correct - said serpent does, indeed, disappear into the bush

However, it is not alone in there. A rabbit wearing a startled expression darts from the other side, its back legs seemingly caught in a dense thicket. "Run, Bugs! Run!"

I glance down, more out of habit than for any other reason, towards the gusset of Maxine's knickers, which now lying discarded at her feet and note that said gusset is utterly soaked. Lady juice. I suspect that my darling friend Maxine is up for some fun and games, and I am not one to disappoint.

"There's more," whispers Ben. "Have a look..."

So I do. I sense there's more to this bush. Stroking away at the rough, curling mass, I spot something small and metallic.

"Oh... my... " I whisper.

Alex moves around so that he can get a better view.

"Have you been pierced?" I ask.

Ben nods. "Two months ago..."

"How many?"

Ben holds up four fingers.

"Really? Blimey." That's me knocked into second place. I only have two.

"This isn't fair," whispers Maxine. "I'm the only person naked here..."

Alex and Ben look at each other, and smile. And then they're out of their clothes before I can even haul myself out of a squatting position.

Alex has, as you might expect, a massive boner. Ben too. They're so similar physically that they could be cock brothers. Brothers in cock. What an idea, eh, guys? That somewhere, out there in porn land, you have a cock brother. Makes you think eh?

Maxine flops back onto the couch, raises her legs off the ground and spreads her thighs. I'm starting to wonder if this little exercise has been planned in some way. Is Alex a willing participant or is he the blissful innocent? I really can't tell right now but... well... I'm staring down at my best friend's pussy which is spread open wide like a buttered bun ready for some filling.

I reach down behind the cushions and fiddle around in the gap between the springs. My hand comes to rest upon a small wooden box which contains the essential "Emergency Condoms", thoughtfully placed there, and routinely refilled as the need arises by the Condom Fairy.

That's me, by the way. I'm the Condom Fairy.

"Mate," says Ben. "Have a look here... look..."

Ben reaches forwards, pushes away the curtain of pubic hair which rings his wife's pussy and... there you have it. A column of four identical rings deftly inserted down the side of her labia.

Alex whispers "Wow!" and I smile because I have no problem at all with his close proximity to Maxine's mound.

Ben pushed his index and middle finger into his wife's snatch. Maxine moans out loud and grabs at the sofa's head rest.

"See what I mean?" says Ben. "Makes her so fuckin' horny. I guess it's the constant rubbing, or the feeling that there's..."

"I wish you two would stop theorising and just get on with it..." whispers Maxine. "This position isn't exactly comfortable."

Alex looks across at me. Again, I love it when he asks for permission. I nod and smile, and toss him a condom. "Go on... Enjoy."

Alex pushes the condom to one side, safely out of the way. Ben is leaning forwards, his mouth pressed against his wife's vulva. I can't see much and... I'm starting to get into the swing of this mad moment, but only slowly. Yeah, I said that. Out loud. I'm normally the first in line when it comes to dishing out the horny but not today. Curiously, this interlude has taken me by surprise. I genuinely wasn't expecting this.

Okay, so what's a gal to do? Well, yeah. It's time we slipped out of these clothes and into something more comfortable, like, for instance, my husband.

I haul my t-shirt over my head and roll my jeans past my knees. My shoes are kicked into the space beneath the TV set which sits in muted silence and is the only source of light in the room. It's too much of a distraction so I locate two small standard lamps and switch them on, and then turn the TV off. The room descends into semi-darkness which is exactly how such secret naughtiness must be performed. How do I know? It says so, in "Sarah's big book of extreme filth", chapter one, paragraph one.

So... here we are... on my hands and knees and scuttling towards the open wide pussy before me. Alas, there's a queue. I have to wait in turn behind Alex, who is enjoying an amazing nosh, tongues and all. I've seen him attack a Lobster in a similar manner, in the days before we gave up meat.

And it's my turn. The scent is not as strong as some pussies I have savoured. This is more mellow and with a vague hint of strawberries.

Ah, okay. I'm now being hurried out of the way because... erm... Alex is rolling a condom over his cock. Well, that's a sight I didn't expect to see.

"This is okay?" he whispers. "I can, can't I?"

"You need to ask permission? Why?"

"Because... "

"Just do it," I whisper. "Fuck her. With my blessing."