It was a callous statement, meant to hurt. And it did. Funny how sometimes things said just run right off your back, and other times they stick and grow like big, obnoxious, ugly warts. This was a witch's wart. Right in the middle of my forehead -- and I it grew larger every time I looked into the mirror.
"Here she is, Ladies!," Patsy announced at the salon when I walked in for a trim. "The Cunt of Cartersville, Tennessee! She's fucked my husband to almost his last breath – and, if she hasn't fucked your husband yet, she will very soon. Trust me!"
I looked at the ladies as her words hung in the air with icicles attached to them. No one else spoke. They all looked away from me, whispering in each other's ears. The owner, Maxine, reached out to touch my shoulder and guide me to my station, and I said, "Cancel my appointment. I'll call you and reschedule." Her hand dropped and she tried to smile at me as I turned on my heel and left the salon.
I don't remember much of the rest of that day, and nothing of the next day. I just watched the wart sprout and grow.
I needed to get away. To stop everything I had been doing. To change paths. To change something...anything. And somehow absolve myself of this guilt.
Nancy said, "Girllie Girl, she just said it for spite. She's jealous. You know she's just jealous. Most women would sell their firstborn to do what you do so freely."
"You wouldn't," I replied.
"I said most women. Women who don't know yet who they are. Women who haven't ventured down the untraveled road. Scared shitless women." She stared at me.
"Well, that's not you, either. You know who you are. You knew what you wanted."
"Yep," Nancy smiled. "I knew what I wanted and I went after it. Just like you. And now I'm really happy. Two days ago you were on top of the world. You were happy, too. Why are you letting what she blathered in the salon get to you?"
Because. Because somewhere inside of me, obviously, I thought she might be right. And for the last forty-eight hours I had been justifying my actions to the wart in the mirror. Explaining myself. And the more I explained, the worse I felt.
"And you haven't let any of the guys come over for two whole days! They're going to think you've joined a convent. You never turn them away!
"Listen, Sweetie. John and I have that cabin in the woods. It's all set and ready for you to stay in. Here are the keys! Bring a few groceries and all of your vibrators! You can do whatever you like there...run naked in the woods, have sex in the pool, spend a week naked playing with Precious. It doesn't matter! Just find your way out of this funk."
I waved as Nancy drove off.
Funny, Officer Perkins drove by and down the street right behind Nancy. Even turned at the corner when Nancy turned. Huh. Haven't seen him since Monday. Oh, yeah. Didn't return his five phone calls, either. I had changed my voice mail message, too. "Hi, Guys – I'm outta commission for a few days. Taking a break. Need to breathe. Leave a message." Hadn't taken the time to listen to any of the voice messages, either.
I wanted to sit on the sidewalk and quit. Instead, I turned to walk around the side of my apartment building and into my back door. My benefactor, Henry Smith, did not come of out of his apartment to play with my titties or put his hands in my panties. He and Marie were visiting their grandchildren in Oregon. I really missed him. He always managed to lift my spirits and touch me in just the right way. And he always had a gift for me, or some new little nightie for me to try on for him. Last time it was a carat diamond for my belly button. (And the clerk from the convenience store had accidentally swallowed the diamond when he went down on me to eat Precious. Too enthusiastic, that kid.)
