In sex stories on the internet, when you get a text from a woman wanting you to fuck her brains out, you pounce without a thought.
In real life, things are different.
What I had done to Sud was supposed to be cathartic and one-time only. Sud's sister and I dated since last year of high school. Our parents were friends. There was so much that could go wrong here that when I got that text my heart started beating fast.
What the fuck had I gotten myself into now?
If anyone back home got to know that I was messing around in the older sister's marriage after being in a long relation with the younger one, the shit that could hit the fan would blow the roof out with it.
No way man, no fucking way you can do this. You are still in grad school, you can find a girl. You can find love again. Is it sex? You can get that too if you want. This is not worth it. You got your revenge, now this is done. Forget this and move on in life. Don't touch this.
I replied, "I am out of town. Later perhaps?"
I was very much in town. Sud reaching out to me had blown out my fear circuit. I feared embarrassment. I was a role model to my friends and family - successful in school, smart, well-behaved, respected young scientist. If this got out - that I had messed around with two sisters of the same family, one of them married - there would be a lot of embarrassment to go around. My parents may be dragged into this as well. I overruled my raging hormones and controlled my urge to say yes to the debauchery again.
The next few days were difficult. The more number of times I watched my sextape with Sud, the more I felt like there's nothing lost in doing it again. I hadn't had anything other than normal (sometimes a bit intense) action as well. I was well read and knew what's out there. But other than Sud, I had only been with her sister. There was a tinge of a dom-sub dynamic but I had never been harsh to her. I was only a bit aggressive time to time. My mind was urging me to indulge.
Sud screaming her heart out while I pulled her hair and rode her like a fast horse made me crave that body and do it again to her. As I heard her scream my name and urge me on, it was a dopamine rush I had no answer for. The way she moved her body upon being smacked, the way she reacted upon being firmly asked to do the unthinkable, it was just all too incredible. It was empowering to think that I could do that to a woman. Make her transform like that. I know how she is in normal life. Now I had seen her in the privacy of her home. It felt like there was another person inside of me, who was capable of breaking down a normal woman to become a shrieking, howling ball of filthy sex.
Slowly, this seeped into my dreams and I started having dreams about Sud. It was carnal. My fantasies were getting more and more twisted. I freaked out. Not knowing how to handle this with last year of grad school, I sought to do a trekking trip. If I didn't have a phone all the time, maybe I could get some peace to get away from this.
A week of travelling let me think in tranquillity. I could control my desire when I was awake. I was a normal person who had a life and loved his work. He was good to people and helpful to friends. He was respected by his peers. He didn't need to do things which were deviant.
But nights brought with the desire to be the person I was with Sud. What if there was a way I could be both? What if deep inside, I was both? If I didn't enjoy doing that, would I have planned it so meticulously, every step of the way? Was I that vengeful? Perhaps. But what if I was not?
I returned to base a little less stressed, but not entirely clear. I felt a clear danger in indulging my impulse. But I also felt a need to indulge it. Some sights from the day were etched into my mind and whenever they came fleeting back, I had rock hard erections that refused to die down.
When I switched on my phone, amongst other things, there were dozens of messages from Sud.
- Why this silent treatment?
- Where are you? When will you return?
- You are freaking me out! Call, please!
- Please call for god's sake!
- I am near your apartment. Let's meet!
- Don't do this please! What the hell happened?
You get the drift.
I decided to just meet her and see why she is so hyper. I texted her that I just returned to town and can meet in the evening.
Sud: : Oh my god where were you? I was going crazy looking for you. Where do you want me to come?
We decided to meet at a cafe in a mall.
I reached before her. I had no idea what do you talk to a woman who you are not in love with, who is married, who you had the dirtiest sex of your life with and who you have not paid to do it with. I was hoping to wing it.
Sud walked in from behind me. She was wearing a colourful long summer dress. It was tight around her boobs and it flowed over the body like water over hills. She gave me a quick smile and before I could get up for a hug, she sat down, almost collapsed into her chair and let the pretence of the smile fade away as she gave in to her panic, anger and anxiety.
Sud: What the actual fuck? Why did you do that to me? You know how worried I was? Who does this? What happened to you?
She was speaking in hushed tones. You could sense her agitation. I was listening and thinking of an appropriate answer. I kept sipping my drink in order to not seem disturbed. The act had to be held tight.
Sud continued speaking. I registered some words. But mostly I was thinking about a response.
Sud: Will you say something?
Me: Why were you worried?
Sud: I don't know. You disappeared. You were fucking gone, without a trace!
Me: Why were you worried?
Sud: Oh, you don't know? You were not talking to me!
Me: So?
Sud: I don't want that to happen.
Me: Why?
Sud: Why do you want me to say things out aloud?
She was exasperated.
Sud: Why do you make me spell out things to you?
Me: Why?
