The atrium was beautiful, it was true, but she couldn't appreciate it. The tingles of uncertainty that began in her stomach on the bus ride down from the hills had spread into a full-body tension. A momentary feeling of faintness wafted up to her head and she realized she hadn't been breathing; a place to sit down for a moment would be a wise choice. The rest of students on her team were milling around the lobby, relaxed and joking with one another, waiting for Herr Muller to finish the registration at the front desk, so she picked her way quietly around them and towards the windows. A wooden bench ran the length of a bank of floor-to-ceiling glass, looking out on a partial forest view. She sat down and focused on her breathing, letting herself draw in deep lungfuls of air, holding for five seconds, then blowing out slowly through pursed lips. She hoped nobody noticed her panic attack.
This place pretty much terrified Heike. It wasn't that she hated the spa. In fact, the actual routine of the place was something she had enjoyed with her mother regularly during her childhood: the intense heat of the sauna, the shock of the cold plunge, swimming naked in the big lap pool, and the return to a soak in a scalding mineral bath. It's just that she and her mother came here only on the special women's days, only two per month at this spa—often only one day a month in the larger ones—when the normal mixed-gender German nude conventions were suspended as a concession to the small minority of Deutschers made uncomfortable by it.
And sometimes it felt like it wasn't even a minority of Germans that felt this way—it felt like she might be the only German female in the entire fucking country who didn't just strip down at a moment's notice and display her tits and ass and yes, even put her pretty little eighteen-year-old vagina out there for any man passing by who wanted to have himself a looksee. It was so frustrating, that there was nobody to sympathize with her. Even her mother didn't think anything of nudity and tried to talk her into coming here on regular mixed days, but Heike was stubborn. It didn't feel right. These were her private possessions, these intimate parts of her body, and she wanted to wait to share them with someone special at the right time. She didn't want to become numb to other's nudity, or let them become numb to hers. It was too precious, she felt.
Throughout her childhood she had become skilled at avoiding these situations, with little notice by others, and as a result only her closest friends knew of her body anxiety. Johanna—not on the running team—was one of them, and had teased her that she was born in the wrong country. "Heike, you should have been an American girl. They never go nude anywhere, it's silly. They even cover themselves in the girls locker room, could you imagine!" Then Johanna would laugh, because indeed she couldn't imagine being that nervous about showing your body even to other girls; Johanna had grown up in an ordinary German family where brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers, aunts and grandmas, all thought of each others' bodies as natural, non-sexual things. About the only time anyone in the culture got even remotely embarrassed was seeing your boss or your boss's husband or wife naked. That seemed to cause at least a mild reaction even in a German.
The part Heike never got when it was explained to her was that nudity was understood in German culture to be non-sexual. But how could showing your sexual organs to someone of the opposite sex not cause sexual feelings? For instance, she liked boys, and let herself dream about the cute ones. Even a shirtless boy caused a stirring in her; the rounded form of his shoulders, the taut muscles as they rippled down into his chest, the lines around his stomach, and especially his arms and biceps. Now suppose that such an attractive, shirtless boy were to turn to face away from her and slowly pull his boxers down over his ass, exposing his smooth skin, while she watched him bend over to pull his socks off. How could that not turn her on? And how could a boy who felt attracted to her watch her strip off her bra and panties and not be aroused? Was it all just a game of pretend and they all went home after the sauna to whack their monkeys, or did they really feel no emotions at the sight of a naked body?
Her thoughts were interrupted by a dark-haired, thin boy who approached her at the window seat. "Hallo, Heike," he said shyly. She smiled and returned the greeting. She was glad for the interruption since it was Lonan. If there was one person in the whole atrium who seemed to be more nervous than she was, he was that person; he was white as a sheet, an achievement because he had darker, olive-colored skin. Seeing him made her forget her own anxieties for the moment.
"Komm, setz dich," she said, patting the seat next to her. Come here you pretty and shy boy, she thought to herself but didn't say out loud. Sit down before you faint right in front of me like I almost did.
Lonan was a curious member of their class. Their gymnasium, as the high schools for college-bound kids are called in Germany, was already unusual in that they maintained the old tradition of the oberprime, or 9th year of secondary school. Most schools had already changed to be consistent with other countries by graduating students after the equivalent of American 12th grade. Their school had also taken in a large number of refugees. Lonan was one of these, and in particular he was a Syrian Christian, which was unusual in the refugee population, so he was even a minority within a minority. He was a gentle and attractive boy. Heike had only spoken to him a few times when he had gathered his courage to approach her. She was shy by her own nature and hadn't responded with any steps to get to know him better, but seeing him here made her regret that she hadn't.
As he settled himself down next to her on the bench she glanced at his light-brown arms. They were strong but slender. Sexy. Light traces of veins ran down to beautiful hands, clasped together in his lap. The poor guy, she thought—who knows what he had been through this past year, coming from one of the camps in Greece, and he was in a completely different culture now. Were his hands even shaking slightly?
At the counter, Herr Muller let out a raucous laugh. They both looked over. Heike guessed that he was flirting with the receptionist, and that explained why the team had been waiting out here for a while. Muller was a fit young coach, early thirties she guessed, and was never one to miss making an innuendo or sharing a laugh with an attractive woman. Heike didn't mind the delay in this case, of course, given the plans for the afternoon. She would have easily preferred to spend the afternoon in the lobby with Lonan here instead of inside the spa.
"Why did Coach Muller bring us here today?" he asked in a sullen voice, reverting to English which Heike knew he was more comfortable speaking, having been in Germany only a few months. Life was ironic: a year spent in a Greece camp improving his English, only then to be sent to Germany. But refugee families couldn't be choosy—if any country would take them, they were eager to pack up all their world's belongings from their tent and go there instead of being sent back to their turbulent homeland where life was filled with persecution and jeopardy. At least his family had stayed together as an immigration unit, which wasn't a sure thing at all given that he had turned eighteen while in the camps, and was therefore by law an adult left to find his own way through the tortuous process. All of that Heike had learned during his presentation to the social issues class just last week, and she found it fascinating that this quiet boy had made such a dramatic journey from his homeland with his mother and father and younger sister.
"I know," she said in sympathy, answering the underlying tone of his comment rather than the question. "It was a surprise to me, too." And she didn't add that if it hadn't been a surprise, she wouldn't have been here. On all of the previous visits to the spa by the running team, she had managed to become ill and miss school that day, wouldn't you know. At least today it was only the G9, ninth years, the oldest kids. A few more than a dozen, about half boys and half girls. That was one small win to harvest from the circumstances, because she was pretty sure there was no way she could have gone naked in front of the younger boys.
Herr Muller laughed again over at the desk. Maybe the coach's surprise visit to the spa was motivated by the pretty receptionist. Or it was just his idea of a special treat—it was true that almost all the kids on the team relished the chance to skip the hard hills workout and instead soak in the tub and steam in the sauna. Probably all of the students except these two sitting on the window bench. But whatever the motivation, only half an hour into the run the Coach unexpectedly gathered them into the big van and swooped down to the spa, leaving the other kids to finish and return to the school with Frau Becker.
Lonan was quiet, and Heike felt an urge to befriend him. What would it be like to start life over in a brand new country? Everything would be new, all the traditions you grew up with, changed. All the customs and ways of doing everything from eating to playing and working and the language people spoke, entirely different. She wondered if she could do it if she had to.
"Have you been to this place before?" she tried.
He shook his head. "Never."