Garden Club 01
So, listen, my peeps, I'm Todd and I'm old enough to know better, but that never seems like much fun, so, I don't pay much mind to all that. But what I do mind is, OMFG, just who in their right mind thinks that banging on a twenty something's front door at 10am on a Sunday morning is ever a good idea, huh? Because my idea of that is exactly the same as hearing 'what the hell is your problem' as I slowly answer the front door in a dazed and grumpy mood because...
[Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, pound, pound, bam, bam, bam, kick, kick, bang, bang bang...]
"[Yawns, grumps, yawns and slowly opens the front door] and just what in the hell is your problem, oh, um, Mrs. Milhouse, my favorite client from the high society garden club that I only check out, I mean, see from a distance, I mean, OMFG [eyes spring wide open], wait! Was there a tornado last night and my house got whisked away and landed on the north side of river? Because I know for a fact that there is a society status checkpoint at the river crossing bridge to verify financial status and I also know for a fact, Mrs. Milhouse, that there's no way that old geezer Harvey would let you safely cross over to the south side of the river because..."
"[Pushes and barges her way inside so she isn't seen on the south side of the river] that's enough of that, Todd. Anyways, I'm here on official high society garden club business and business like that is best discussed over a cup of coffee, so, would you mind making me a cup of coffee, hmm, Todd?"
(Chuckles) asks Mrs. Milhouse of me as she stands there with a cup carrier of pre mixed coffees from the Lava Java Coffee Shop in her hands!
"Well, I wasn't sure if bachelor pads on the south side of the river had running water or electricity, so [extends the coffee carrier], um, this is where we upper class high society people exchange pleasantries and the men always start out and since you are as devilishly handsome as that middleclass chickadee, Alice, from our high society greenhouse project says you are, you start, Todd."
Well, well, well, so, folks, middleclass chickadee Alice, from the high society greenhouse project, thinks I'm absolutely and positively 100% devilishly handsome, huh? I mean, things are looking up, right? Also, my peeps, a pleasantry is one of those springtime trees with the purple blooms that smell like perfume, right?
"Oh, okay, Mrs. Milhouse, this may not be what you used to hearing, but you look amazing for [glances down at phone clock] OMFG, for 10am on a Sunday! Ahem, I mean, you're a breath of fresh air and I'm already in love with the scent of your upper-class cleavage perfume, I mean, shall I take your sweater then, huh, Mrs. Milhouse? You know, since your arms are not even in the sleeves and all, so?"
Her sweater, which, OMG, I'm guessing cost more than the four new tires that I just put on my truck and that cost was over $900!
"[Lifts chin] there's a little gold chain, Todd, just release one end and my blouse, I mean, my high society sweater will fall right off, just don't let it hit the floor, Todd."
You've got to be kidding me! There's a statuesque pose for that? Chin high, neck tilted back, chest outward, shoulders steady, arms at a slight backwards angle and firm footing? People are so different depending on what side of the Middleton River one lives on because...
[Mrs. Milhouse uses the distraction to pop open one blouse button and squirts a quick dab of perfume towards her high society chest while Todd nervously unclips the little gold chain.]
So, just what does one do with a removed and awkwardly folded Cashmere Goat Belly fur sweater because I just toss my cotton hoodies literally anywhere because...
"Ooh, that feels better, Todd and may I say that I'm pleasantly surprised that you answered the door, you know, at this early hour in, um, your sports PJ pants instead of your sports boxers and you can carefully lay my sweater over the rear of the sofa, which I'm surprised that you have one, so?"
Oh, was that a pleasantry, huh?
"And may I take, um, may I take your second handbag, Mrs. Milhouse, which I never even knew was a thing for a woman to carry a second handbag, so?"
"(Giggles) this is my handbag (gently pats $1700 worth of finely crafted leather), Todd and this old thing is where I carry, you know, the check the society club owes you for your previous work and the old $5 bills that our society club uses to light cigarettes and cigars during our high society parties (giggles and hands off the other handbag after reaching inside and grabbing the owed check), so?"
See! OMFG! See! It's the north side vs the south side all over again! And the north lights cigarettes and cigars with $5 bills! Neatly creased $5 bills! But I was happy to receive that familiar green check from inside of the cigar lighter bag, which I placed down on the couch just under her bazillion dollars sweater.
[Mrs. Milhouse takes advantage of his absence and pops one more blouse button and heaves her chest to gently, gently, gently allow her upper-class bra to show]
"[Bing, an incoming text] have you let your high society tits out for Todd yet, Lady M?"
"[Ignores text from chickadee Alice] anyways, Todd, shall we share our coffee sipping while I make another high society honor club proposal to you, hmm?"
Um, sure, right, folks?
"[Pulls out kitchen chair like a gentleman and peeks down] oh, I mean, Mrs. Milhouse, that we shall, since we seemed to have covered the pleasantries of the day because, I mean, we have covered all of the appropriate pleasantries, haven't we [scoots kitchen chair in], Mrs. Milhouse?"
"[Sip, sip] we have, Todd. Now [sip], the high society garden honor club, which has always been pleased with your red cedar mulch and top soil deliveries, would like to extend an offer your way to power wash all of the brick paver walkways inside of the mansion greenhouse because..."
Oh, and I probably should have mentioned that I own and operate a small landscaping business, which has four full time employees and a handful of people on standby. And by the way, ahem, the high society garden honor club mansion greenhouse is also environmentally controlled. And pleasant to work inside of because of that.
"Because we're throwing an open toed shoe social fund raiser this coming Friday night and we can't have our women walking on bits of mulch or clumps of dirt and middleclass Alice says that an operation like yours might have power washing equipment somewhere because..."
(Chuckles) my operation! Four plus dudes in trucks with trailers full of equipment, LOL. But I do okay.
"[Bing, an incoming text] operate his zipper, Lady M! It's where men keep their fat dicks!"
"[Again, ignores text from chickadee Alice] well [sip, sip], Todd?"
"[Sip, sip, slurp, oops, slurping is a no-no] offer accepted, Mrs. Milhouse and I'll let my main guy, Kevin, know to get started on the setup right away because..."
I mean, my operation has two power washers, but one of them needs a little loving care because I may or may not use it as a clothing washing machine from time to time because...
"Oh, and speaking of your main guy, Kevin, um, erg, ooh, well, can we discuss what I believe your main guy, Kevin, has done wrong [sip], hmm, Todd?"
