Liz woke up to the familiar cascade of Jay's dark brown hair in her face. She smiled to herself and lifted her hand to gently stroke his hair away enough so she could kiss his forehead. Liz breathed in the scent of Jay, which consisted of a mix of strawberry scented soap and tea-tree-oil shampoo, the certain smell that Jay always had and Liz always loved to immerse herself in.
She buried her face in his neck and breathed deeply, remembering all of their memories from the times prior to when they parted ways, and then remembered the events which had transpired a few hours early. It was only 4 in the morning, but now Liz was wide awake.
Liz had a habit of second-guessing things, and worrying about the implications of her decisions. Now she was scared about what had just happened. A moment that had seemed so sacred, so beautiful, something she had desired since the day she and Jay fell in love...could it be as meaningless to him as she thought it might be?
With all of his other women that he's seen in the past and that he sees now...could she really mean as much to him as he did to her? To him, it was probably just another lay, just another decent fuck...but to her, it was the deepest possible expression of their love for each other. Perhaps she was just naive, perhaps it was her age, or perhaps her cynical mindset was just a facade she put on for the world and she was truly a romantic at heart. Whatever Liz was, she was definitely scared that her night with Jay only occurred because he was horny.
Tears began to form in Liz's eyes. She carefully manuevered her way out of Jay's arms and went to his desk, where she proceeded to write him a letter. She placed the letter on the empty pillow beside Jay and quietly left his apartment, heading back to Steph's apartment down the hall. Liz didn't know how to feel anymore, but she was scared, and felt vulnerable again, just like she had when she first fell in love with Jay, and she couldn't allow herself to fall into the trap of being vulnerable to him again.
When Liz entered Steph's apartment, she found Steph sitting on the couch in front of the tv drinking a beer. Steph offered Liz a beer, and then asked her, "How was your night, babe? Did you score?" Liz laughed, and then her eyes began to brim with tears again.
Steph noticed that Liz seemed upset and pulled her onto the couch as Liz cried. Liz explained the whole situation to Steph. "Steph...what if I've made a mistake again? I mean...the only thing he seems to care about other than himself is sex. What if he really doesn't care for me, and he was just horny and looking for a quick lay? I don't want to get hurt by him again..."
Steph let Liz cry herself to sleep on her shoulder, and cursed Jay for reducing Liz to tears once again, however inadvertantly it may have been.
**back at Jay's place**
Jay rolled over in his bed, having what he considered to be the most wonderful dream about Liz. He smiled when he realized that it hadn't been a dream--he really DID just spend the night with the one girl who really truly understood him, the one girl who made him feel different than all the others.
He knew she was special, and was even somewhat angry at himself for how he had treated her over the past year or so...Things had been so wonderful and all he ever wanted, so of course, he had to screw it up and push her away when he really had wanted to be with her. He had just been too scared of his feelings to allow himself to be around her, afraid to let his desires overcome rational judgement, and afraid to hurt her again.
He reached out to pull Liz closer, and grabbed a handful of air. Slowly he woke up, realizing that Liz was not there. A puzzled and then sad look came over Jay's face. He felt a piece of paper on the sheet under his hands, and he picked it up, stumbled over to turn the light at his desk on, and sat down to read it:
"Jay,
Last night was...everything I had ever wanted it to be and more. It was beautiful. I love the thought of you being back in my life, because I've missed having you around. But I can't help but wonder what your motivations for last night were...I mean, you abandoned me for almost a year, we run into each other, and the next thing you know, suddenly you care enough about me to have sex with me.
I know that to you, sex is just sex. It doesn't really seem to mean much to you, probably because I'm only one on a list of ten other girls you've been with in the past few years. But to me...last night was about my feelings for you, not just the feelings between my legs.
I still love you...but unfortunately, how can I believe that you suddenly love me again and that that's why last night happened the way it did? I can't help but feel that last night only happened because you were horny and wanted a quick fuck...Jay...I love you...and I've opened my heart to you before...and for awhile it was wonderful, but then you abandoned me.
I just don't think I can take that chance again. I don't want to be hurt by you again, Jay. I'm sorry. I just can't do this. Because I'll always want you, and you'll always want five or six girls at a time...and it just wouldn't be fair to either of us. Last night meant a lot to me, but maybe it was a mistake. I think we should just leave each other to our own separate lives...
I'm not comfortable with the thought of us just being fuck buddies. Not when I have so many feelings attached to you. So I think it's best if I leave your life, Jay. At least for now. Eventually we can be friends again, but I can't right now, it hurts me too much. I'm sorry, babe. I hope you have a good life and that you're happy, because you deserve all the best.
Love, Liz."
Jay looked at the letter in his hands, and then at the slight imprint that still remained in his bed from where Liz had slept. His hands trembled and his eyes actually welled up with tears a bit. 'How...how could I have managed to push her away AGAIN?' Jay asked himself. Jay bent over in the chair, leaning his elbows on his knees and running his hands through his hair and over his face several times, in thought.
'Sure...I love sex...but last night wasn't JUST about sex. I do really still love her. In a way differently than I love anyone else. She's...special. There's just something about her. Not that it matters now, I ruined it. I thought she wanted last night...'
Jay plopped himself back down on his bed to think. He needed to fix this. He felt like the one girl he might truly be meant to spend his life with might slip out of his reach. Not that he was ready for a commitment of that size yet, but the fact that the thought of her even made him contemplate it was astonishing. He REALLY needed to fix this.
**back at Steph's**
Steph decided to let Liz sleep in, and then at around 10 AM she finally woke Liz up to go spend a day roaming around the city. Steph knew that Liz loved to shop, so Steph took Liz to the H+M to go clothes shopping. They spent hours in the store, trying on clothes and acting goofy together in the way that only the two of them ever managed to. Finally they both settled on purchases and went out to lunch. While Liz obviously hadn't forgotten about what was on her mind, she was certainly distracted from thinking about it constantly.
When they finally returned back to Steph's apartment in the bitter, late-night December cold, there was a note on the door for Steph. While Liz was changing into some comfortable pajamas, Steph read the note, which was from Jay. Steph then went to Liz's room. "Liz, babe, I'll be right back, I need to go take care of something. Help yourself to some tea."
Steph then ran down to Jay's apartment and knocked on the door. Jay opened the door and extended his body toward Steph in a hug, but Steph just stood in her place and glared at him. Jay sighed and invited Steph in so they could talk.
"Steph...Is Liz with you?" Jay asked. Steph glared at him a while longer and then nodded.
"Steph...I really need to talk to her...can I have just a few minutes alone with her? Please?" he begged.
Steph began to protest when Jay looked her in the eyes and said "I love Liz. I love her. I need time to make her believe that. Please..."
Steph saw the sincerity in Jay's eyes and couldn't refuse. Steph decided to go get some dinner to give the two time alone--she didn't want to be anywhere near the vicinity if shit hit the fan.
Jay grabbed a few things from his desk and then walked over to Steph's apartment only to find the door unlocked. Jay walked in and peered around the apartment for any signs of Liz. He finally noticed the open window and realized that Liz must have been out on the fire escape thinking-he remembered that Liz loved the cold, snowy weather of late December as well as the decorations in the city during the "just-after-Christmas" season...and she loved to do her deepest thinking outside in the fresh air.
He quietly walked over toward the window and saw that she was sitting on the fire escape, curled up in a ball and crying. It broke Jay's heart to watch Liz cry, especially when he knew it was his fault. Moreso, it almost disturbed him that she was still so beautiful when she cried.
"Liz" he called out softly, placing a hand on her shoulder. She gasped in startled frustration and then turned away when she saw it was Jay. "Jay...please...just go..." she pleaded.
"Liz, I need you to hear me out." Jay replied. Then he handed her two red roses. She looked at him puzzled, for Jay had never exactly been the romantic type.
