When we talked about meeting, I asked you to be beautiful, because I already found you alluring, and you are indeed beautiful. It's still a surprise to me that a 28 year old girl like you would do this for a 58 year old man like me. I look at you and enjoy, your small feet, toes both pointed toward me in the simple black flats without socks or stockings, the simple, floral print dress, fluttering gently at your two perfectly formed knees, the way the dress rests on your hips and how it hangs tantalizingly on your shoulders, for now, your chest giving the dress form, accentuating the hourglass of your hips, your hair, tied in back, feather against your bare back. And when I look at your face, you're blushing, looking at me uncertainly and I know that you know that I enjoy looking at you so much.
At the risk of stating the obvious I say, "Hello, you look beautiful. I can't believe you did this for me." I must be looking at you too intently, you blush even more, I can see it on your chest, your dress is not tight enough for me to tell if looking at you has made your nipples hard. I fantasize that it does.
We go to a cafe, have a cup of coffee together and croissants. I feel so predatory and I like it, you are so delicate and yet, so willing. I think about last week, what did you look like, there, in front of the computer, in your black panties and bra, what was it like for you to take the chance when you put your hand down your pants. Was it done feverishly as you imagined I would do, a rough groping or was it delicate and exploratory and were you transported by the sensuality of yourself, as you described, wet, so capable at that moment of being fucked? I realize I've been daydreaming, I realize I'm hard in my pants, here in public, with a girl 30 years my junior, a girl who has agreed to come up to my place, a girl who told me that she wants me to have her, tied up.
"It looks like we're going to go through with this", I say. "I want you to feel comfortable asking me to stop at any time."
You think for a moment. You blush. You stammer, "I want you to enjoy me. I want to know... I want to know you're not holding back."
I look at you, it's so intoxicating that your pleasure is me, taking such hard, carnal and complete pleasure in you/ I flag the waitress, pay her, you might look at her, find her beautiful, wonder if she's alluring to me, catch her flirting, but I am looking at you, fixated on you, on your breath which makes your chest rise and fall, on the shape of your mouth, on your eyes when you look at me. I shiver when I get up and, yes, you're going to follow me, you're actually coming with me, you're actually going to go through with this.
...
We go to my pied-a-terre. I'm married, this is my city apartment that I use as a place to shower, to sleep if I need to work into the night and miss the last train home and also for this. I wonder if my wife knows, if she senses that I still lust and I wonder why she doesn't. So perhaps it's an arrangement. Perhaps she doesn't want to know. The apartment is neat, kept up well by the cleaning staff and it's simple, but it has Van Gogh's death's head moth drawing over the towels next to the shower, the flowers that I picked out this morning, on the bureau next to the bed, light white curtains, fluttering like your dress does, when we were talking online, I looked at them and imagined that, thought of how little they really hid, thought of your dress that way.
And as I let go of your hand, soft and small in mine, to unlock the door, as I let you in, telling you, "it's one flight up, on the second floor", I watch. My heart races, your back to me, the straps of the dress hanging so tentatively on your smooth shoulders, I'm looking at you from behind, the sway of your hips as you climb, your calves, the taut and supple muscles, the back of your knee, yes, the bottom of your thigh, your dress swaying precariously and barely preventing me from seeing up your skirt from looking at your panties. Do you know what I'm doing? Are you innocent of the accident that comes so close to revealing you or did you plan this? Thinking of it sensibly, you seem to have chosen a conservative dress, taking pains to preserve your modesty, but as my blood races, I fantasize that you didn't, that you planned this, that you were ambiguous on purpose to leave me confused and hoping.
We get to the door to my apartment, I'm behind you. I'm taller, your dress hangs loosely. A gentleman would not look down, would not take advantage so he could see your supple breasts, the smooth, clear skin, firm, nestled in your bra, but I do look, I look frankly and you look over your shoulder, reach to adjust your dress, stop, let me look, stand there blushing as I do. And as you stand there, so unsure, I brush my hand past you as I reach to put the key in the door, brush my hand over your hip and lean into you, knowing that brings you up against my crotch, knowing that you will have to feel that I am hard for you.
I close the door behind you. "I've run this day through my head so many times. You look so beautiful. I want you so badly."
You nod. I wonder, what was your fantasy? The last time, when I had to leave Lit, what did you do? What did you think about, I was hoping that you'd lie in your bed, naked, I was hoping you'd get yourself off, fantasizing it was me. I've thought of you in so many ways, what you'd look like, what you look like when you manage to bring yourself to orgasm?
But in reality, you are so different than I imagined and my response, different too. You seem so unsure and tentative, but at the same time, you seem to be looking to me for guidance.