JOEL gripped his program as he watched the play. The actors playing Don Quixote and Sancho Panza rode up to the inn, to ask if there was any room for weary travelers. Joel had seen Man Of La Mancha many, many times, and knew that this is the point in the story where Aldonza, the whore, enters. Now, it's not in the play script that "ALDONZA, in a leather bustier that pushes her really, really big breasts up to her chin — enters, and slops the bowl of food onto the table. Her jugs jump for several seconds after she does this." The stage directions say nothing of the kind. But since the role was originally played on Broadway by a very exotic-looking and very buxom opera singer named Joan Diener... and since a mediocre movie had been made of the musical in the seventies, with busty sex symbol Sophia Loren in the part... it was sort of a theatrical tradition. Just like the King of Siam has to be bald... Aldonza has to have big boobs.
Joel held his breath in anticipation. Sure, he liked seeing shows. But he liked seeing big boobs even more. He covered his crotch with his playbill, hoping that the actress playing Aldonza would make this action necessary.
And did she ever! Dark and sensual, and obviously of true Spanish heritage, an absolutely stunning actress strode onto the stage carrying a bowl of food for the mule drivers, as called for by the script. But this was no scullery maid. This Aldonza had long, jet-black hair, an enticing olive complexion, the usual laced-up leather bustier... and two very worthwhile reasons to wear that bustier. Two enormous breasts jostled and jounced almost in full view, rendering the actors playing the mule drivers absolutely mute. When she bent over to put the bowl down, they swayed and seemed to sweep the surface of the table. When she straightened up to speak scornfully to the men, her breasts seemed to be playing out their own choreography as the actress delivered her lines. Joel was sure she would be just splendid in the role... but he'd have a hard time concentrating on her acting and singing skills!
When he was able to tear his eyes away from the standout performances of both her breasts, Joel hurriedly turned his program to the cast list to find out this arousing creature's name.
ALDONZA — Katey Callaghan, it read.
Callaghan, thought Joel. Hardly sounds like a Spanish name. But he didn't dwell on that. He spent the rest of the considerable running time of the musical planning how he might meet the gorgeous and gargantuan Miss Callaghan.
Actually, it's easy to get backstage at a community theatre production. Everyone is friends with someone in the cast, and everyone loves to hear "Great show!" called out, with varying degrees of sincerity. All Joel had to do was tell the stage manager that he wanted to tell Miss Callaghan what a great Aldonza she was, and he was admitted to the room where the actors put on their makeup. The locker rooms where they put on their costumes were behind closed doors. Must maintain public decency, you know.
Joel stood there, not knowing anybody. Most of the actors kept their costumes on as they greeted their friends, to savor the experience. They laughed and soaked in all the good wishes. They promised to meet their friends later at bars or all-night restaurants. They changed out of their costumes and washed off their makeup. They grabbed their gym bags and headed off into the night, many nodding at Joel as if they knew him, even though they didn't.
Before long, the makeup room was empty. And Joel still hadn't caught a glimpse of the buxom Katey Callaghan.
The stage manager came in to roll the rack of costumes into a storage room.
"Excuse me," said Joel.
"Yes?" said the stage manager.
"Is Miss Callaghan around?"
"Aldonza? Yeah, I think so," he said. He called into the women's dressing room. "Hey, Katey! Friend of yours here for you!" He went back to his work.
"'kay, be right there," came a raspy squeak that didn't sound at all like the throaty and sensual alto voice Joel had heard on the stage.
The stage manager shuffled out, leaving Joel to grab a seat at one of the makeup mirrors.
In a moment, a young woman wearing black stretch pants, purple knit leggings, running shoes, and a baggy gray sweatshirt emerged from the locker room. She was combing out her close-cropped brownish hair. Her face was pleasant enough, with freckles and a sort of Irish-American coloring. The hand that wasn't combing dragged a duffel bag and... a peasant blouse, flouncy skirt, and a leather lace-up bustier on a hanger.
She peered at Joel quizzically. "Do I know you?" she asked, and draped the costume over a chair without waiting for an answer.
"No, I don't think so," Joel answered. "I was just waiting for Miss Callaghan."
"Well, you got her," said the young woman, still combing out her hair and holding a hair tie in her mouth. "What's up?"
Joel looked at his program. "Katey Callaghan. The girl who played Aldonza."
"Yeah," she repeated. "Me."
Joel sputtered. "But... but..."
Katey turned around as she tied her hair back and smiled. "I know. Where are they, right?" Without missing a beat, she lifted her sweatshirt to show Joel a pair of ordinary — actually, maybe a little less than ordinary — breasts in a plain white bra. "And the black hair, the full lips ... where are they? That's what you're thinking, isn't it?"
"Um — I suppose that's it, yes," Joel admitted, still looking from Katey's face to the program, as though that might offer an answer.
Katey hauled her duffel bag over her shoulder. "C'mon. Take me out and I'll tell you about it."
Joel followed. They walked through the cold to a nearby all-night restaurant. They didn't even speak until they sat down.
"Okay!" Katey brightened once they were safe from the whipping wind. She opened the colorful menu and decided quickly on a patty melt sandwich and coffee. Joel just nodded dumbly and ordered the same. "You want to know why what you see here—" Katey motioned matter-of-factly toward her chest "—isn't what you saw there."
"Uh... yes," said Joel. "But I want to tell you, you were terrific in the part! Believable, beautiful—"
"And busty," added Katey with a smile.
"Right. How?"
"Before we go too far, I gotta know," Katey said between sips of coffee. "I do plays and musicals in community theatre all the time. Most guys who come to see them are gay. Are you?"
"No," muttered Joel. "Not that there's—"
" — anything wrong with it!" Katey laughed, finishing the Seinfeld catch phrase for him. "Just gotta know. Saves heartache later."
Joel was encouraged by Katey's audio footnote. Maybe he had a chance with her.
"I studied theatre in college," said Katey. "But I quit when my teachers talked about the low success rate... especially when they all said if there's anything else I could possibly be happy doing, I should do something else. Because the chances of not just success — but of even being able to make a living are really, really, really small."
Joel nodded.
"The professors were very disappointed," Katey continued, "because they said I was different from other actors. I had a special gift. One said I was like Agnes Moorehead."
Joel raised an eyebrow. "Agnes Moorehead? The mother-in-law on Bewitched?"
"Yeah, Agnes Moorehead!" said Katey, amused at Joel's reaction. "One of my professors had worked on Broadway during the 1940s and 50s. He told me this story about working with Agnes Moorehead. She was supposed to play a beautiful woman in a play..."
Joel looked dubious.
