Feeling Lie Myself Again

"You did it," Sonia yelled as I crossed the finish line.

I could barely talk as I looked at her. She held onto me as she led me over to a bench, where I promptly sat down to catch my breath.

"Congratulations," a man said as he placed a ribbon over my head.

"Well, you said you would run this time," Sonia smiled at me.

"Yes," I said, waving at each of the ladies that crossed the line. "I did."

I did it. I ran for the cure. Last year I walked, and the year before that, I didn't finish. This year I ran and finished.

"Thank you," a lady said from behind me.

I turned to look at her. Quickly I stood up, and we embraced. There was a bond between survivors, an unsaid, unbreakable bond.

"Never stop," she smiled at me.

"Never," I responded. The lady disappeared into the crowd. "Let's go," I said to Sonia, who smiled and walked with me to her car.

It had been five years since the monster had invaded my body. I had fought it every day, and finally, after months of medication, visits, and losing my hair as well as my husband. It took my breasts.

I made that decision by myself. My husband of twelve years left me the morning I came out of the bathroom with my hair in my hands. Frank was a good man at heart, but he had a weak stomach for the harsher things in life.

"Home sweet home," Sonia said as she pulled into my driveway. "Want help getting up the stairs?"

"No," I smiled.

Sonia was my sponsor. She volunteered to help those in need. After Frank left, the cancer center approached me with her number. She had been with me ever since, never letting me down or letting me give up.

"Some of the others are getting together tonight," Sonia said. Her bright red hair and blue eyes looked over at me.

I was going to say no. I always told Sonia no. My hair had finally grown back, and I felt strong again. But I still felt odd around strangers.

"Don't say it," Sonia pleaded with me.

"Okay," I nodded. "One or two drinks, that's it."

"I will text you the details," Sonia smiled.

I turned around and walked inside. Frank and I were a great couple. Together we bought this huge house. Now it was too big and too empty. The quiet inside was deafening at times.

"Hi Thomas," I said as my giant Malamute bounded towards me. "Good boy," I said as he circled me.

I wouldn't know what I would do without the giant fluffball. No matter how sick I got, those big eyes would look back at me as if to say, "You got this."

"Okay," I nodded with a smile. I opened the back door to the large pool and backyard. Thomas bolted outside. I watched as he ran circles in the grass, then around the pool. "Goofball," I said, leaving the door open.

"What to wear?" I said, looking in my closet. I had thrown most of my old clothes away as they didn't fit the new me.

I went from a curvy and chesty woman to my current state, making me rethink my wardrobe. Either the clothes were too big or attempted to show cleavage that I no longer had. I settled on a pair of jeans and a dark grey shirt. Most of the clothes in my closet were jeans and dark-colored shirts.

"I know," I said, looking down at Thomas. "I look stupid. I should just cancel, right?"

Thomas looked back up at me with those eyes. "Go for it mom."

"You sure?" I asked as I looked back in the mirror.

I picked up the gel inserts. They had been given to me after the operation. Today was the first time I had considered wearing them. I felt a giant paw against my leg.

"Go on mom," those eyes said.

"Okay," I sighed as I inserted one, then the other. I looked into the mirror.

The image was complete to the untrained eye. It looked normal as if she heard me contemplating calling her. Sonia sent a text.

"No turning back now," I said, looking down a Thomas. "No wild parties while I am gone."

"Don't count on it," the fluffball looked up at me.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"I am glad you made it," Sonia said as I sat down.

Looking around the table as I sat, I recognized everyone from our meetings. It made me feel better that it wasn't a bunch of strangers.

The drinks and the conversations got better as the night progressed.

"Jessie," one of the ladies said as she leaned over the table. "One of the hunks at the bar is checking you out," she smiled.

I turned around to look. "Don't look," all the women shrilled at once.

I quickly turned back. I noticed the tall, blonde-haired man staring over in our direction.

I couldn't remember the last time I had been with a man. Frank and I had busy lives, so sex and intimacy had taken a back burner. It had to be over six years.

That number shocked me. Had it been that long?

"He's coming over," another lady said.

We sat in silence as the tall man walked over to us.

"I think you busted me," he said as he looked down at me.

"She sure did," Sonia chirped in.

"Names Andy, what's yours?" he said as he put out his hand.

"Jesse," one of the ladies said, interrupting. "Have you got some friends?"

"Well, Jesse mind if we talk?" he said down to me. "And yes, I did come with a few friends."

I smiled as he led me to the dance floor. Andy was a talker, which I didn't mind. I didn't feel like talking, and there wasn't much for me to say.

As well as being a good talker, he was a much better dancer, unlike Frank, who would step on his own feet. I loved the feeling of a strong man pressing his body against mine. He had muscles that made me melt inside. He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me close as we danced.

After a few dances and a few more drinks, the night led us to his truck out in the parking lot.

"Am I going to fast?" Andy said as he pushed me against the side of his vehicle.

"Shut up," I replied as I kissed him.

He kissed me back as his hands squeezed my ass. He squeezed so hard and with such power that I thought he would lift me off my feet. Then they circled to the front. I pressed my head against his chest as my hands found his belt. Then it hit me a bit too late.

"What the...." He said as he pressed his hands against my chest. The insert had popped out and was now floating somewhere down my shirt.

"I can explain," I said as I looked at him, defeated and embarrassed.

I told him everything, but I knew I had lost him as soon as I said the word cancer. I knew that look. It was the same look Frank had that morning.

I pushed myself off his truck. "Go," I said.

"I'm sorry," he said as he jumped into his truck.

The wheels span hard as he sped out of the parking lot. I looked back at the bar.

"Fuck it," I said as I hopped into my car.

"Don't," I growled as I got into the house. Thomas sat back and tilted his head. "Never again," I shook my head as I pelted the gels across the room. Thomas looked back at them. "You can have them."

I grabbed my favorite ice cream from the freezer and plummeted onto the couch. My phone rang by my side, looking down at the screen. I hit ignore. I sighed as I picked it back up. I texted Sonia to tell her I was alright but didn't feel like talking.

'Can I come up,' those eyes said as my fluffball sat patiently on the floor.

"Of course," I said, making room for him.

He jumped onto the couch and laid his big head on my lap. 'I'm sorry you didn't have a good night.'

"Me too," I replied as I scratched his head.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

The doorbell rang loud the following morning as I ran down the stairs. Even before I opened the door, I knew who was behind it. I took a deep sighed and slowly opened it.

"What happened?" Sonia asked as she walked in.

"I am fine," I said as I walked into the kitchen. "It was my fault."

"What was?" Sonia asked.

I knew there was no point in arguing. If Sonia wanted information, I doubt anyone could stop her from getting it.

"Fine," I said as I began to tell her everything. She looked back at me without judgment.

"It's my fault," Sonia nodded. "I shouldn't have...."

"No," I shook my head. "I had a good time, up to that part anyway."

"Then fuck him!" Sonia shouted.

Thomas barked loudly from his bed in the corner. 'Yeah, what she said!'

"You deserve a fresh start. Last night I saw someone that wasn't angry or upset. I liked her," Sonia said.

I nodded. Last night was the first time I felt like my old self. "I missed her too," I agreed.

"Then bring her back," Sonia said, holding my hands. "She wants out, and if you can't do it, then have Frank help; he said he would."

I nodded. Sonia was right. I needed a push.

"I am going out of town for a few weeks," Sonia said as she walked towards the door. "When I come back."

"I will be here," I smiled. Sonia looked back at me with those eyes. "I mean it."

I walked over to the table and picked up the phone. 'Go ahead,' the paw on my lap said as those steel-blue eyes looked at me.

"Jesse," the voice said as it picked up.

"Shit," I said as I realized Frank's new wife had picked up his phone.

"Sorry Caroline," I said. "I was trying to reach Frank."

"Is everything okay?" Caroline asked.

It may sound strange, but Caroline and I had a good friendship. I would even consider her my best friend.

"Not really," I replied.

The sound of her voice made something stir. She wasn't like Sonia, who got things out of a person by constantly talking.

"Can you come over?"

"I am on my way," Caroline replied.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"That bastard!" Caroline shouted. "Did you get the license plate?"

"No," I said as I wiped tears from my eyes.

"It's okay," Caroline said. "I have friends at the bar. I will..."

I laughed as I looked at her blonde hair go this way and that. I could imagine her small frame pushing and shoving that poor man. She will probably kick his ass if I let her.

She stopped talking as she saw me laughing. We both started laughing. "So, what do you want to do?"

"Well," I said, looking down at Thomas, lying down by my feet. "We were wondering if Frank would help with...." I began to say but couldn't get the words out.

"Of course, he would," Caroline said. "He would be glad to, after all," she said as she reached into her purse. "I got all of the cards," she said as she held up four credit cards.

"Let's go," Caroline said.

"Today?" I said, surprised.

"Before you change your mind. If anything, we can talk and see what the options are," Caroline shrugged.

I had thought about it many times, even got to the office door and turned around. But this time, I was determined.

"Okay, just to talk," I nodded.

The office wasn't too far away. The inside was pleasing to the eye, and the staff seemed friendly. They showed us to a room where the surgeon would talk to us. The room was large and open. Certificates and other documents hung on the wall.

"Hello," the doctor said as he entered the room and sat behind the desk. He looked very young, too young to be a surgeon.

"Hi," I said, looking back at the door. "We were waiting for a...."

"It's me," the young man said. "I get that a lot," he said as he smiled. "I assure you; I know what I am doing and how to do it."

"I was expecting someone older," Caroline said, looking up at all the papers.

"They are all mine," he nodded. "I was a fast learner, and I am not as young as I look."

Everything about him was pleasing. I nodded at Caroline. "Okay," he said, putting his hands on the desk. "Who is getting the procedure?"

"Well," Caroline said. "I am happy with what I have," she said proudly. I smiled and snickered as she pushed her chest out. Her ample C cups jutted forward.

"And proud you should be," the doctor smiled. "That leaves us with you," he smiled in my direction.

I told him what I had planned and why. He listened intently and looked over the papers the hospital had given me. Finally, he looked up at me and reached for my hands.

"You're in good hands," he said with a smile. Caroline hugged me. "What size were you looking to get?"

I showed him pictures of me before the operation. "I would like to be that size or slightly bigger. If possible."

He looked them over. "Well, you have lost a lot of weight," he said as he looked at me. "I can give you these if that is your wish," he said, pushing the pictures back. "Keep in mind. They will be much heavier with your current weight."

I looked back at the pictures. I remembered how heavy they were at the time. The constant back pains, the expensive bras. Then I remembered the looks.

Every woman knows the looks they get from men, no matter how big or small. Any man near them will try to sneak a peek with every movement, hoping to catch a glimpse.

From a slight peek as they bent over to pick something up, or if a man was looking down, a sneaky glance to see between the buttons of their shirt. No matter what a woman would wear, there was always a look. I didn't receive any looks now.

"Yes," I replied. "It would be worth it."

"Okay then," he smiled. "I will have the nurses bring you some photos of the sizes closest to what you want, and we will go from there."

Caroline and I looked at various pictures of models in multiple poses and sizes. I picked out three that I liked. The surgeon came back in, and I pushed them across the table.

"Let's look," he sat down on his side of the desk. "Hmm," he said, looking up.

We both giggled.

"I think this is a joke, right?" the surgeon smiled as he saw the first one.

"Yes," we both laughed. It was a picture of a model with humongous implants.

The last two were my real options. He looked at them and gave me the pros and cons. Together the two of them left me alone to weigh my options. I looked at the two images.

"As my dad used to say, go big or go home," I shrugged.

The doctor came back in and nodded his approval. He told me what I should expect from the day I arrived for the procedure and medication and the expected recovery time.

I signed all the necessary documents. Caroline gladly handed over one of the cards as payment. When I looked at her, there was a more significant smile on her face than mine. I knew Frank would have a fit when he saw the bill.

"I will see you in three weeks," the doctor said, standing up.

Three weeks. I said in my head. Confirming the date that my life would change yet again.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Three weeks went by in a flash. Frank did have a fit, not so much at me directly. Caroline took the brunt of his wrath. I got a call telling me he was glad I had come to him. Then he let me know this was the last financial help he would give me. I accepted.

I had been working from home for a while now. The money wasn't what I wanted, but it was enough to get by for now.

When I arrived, the nurses and assistants prepped me for surgery. They told me again what I was to expect and what I should do afterward regarding caring for myself and what not to do.

The nerves went away when I saw Caroline and Sonia in the waiting room. They waved at me as I was taken into the operating room.

"Morning sunshine," Caroline and Sonia said from beside me.

"What?" I said in a daze. I looked over at them.

They both laughed as they looked at me. "Still out of it huh?"

I felt like I was in a dream. I couldn't focus clearly. "Morning," a voice said from the other side.

It was the surgeon. "How are you doing?" he asked.

"I feel..." I began to say.

"You came out of anesthesia, during the procedure. We had to put you back under again," he smiled. "Not to worry everything went as expected."

I looked down for the first time. Staring back at me were sizeable chest bumps. I went to touch them. The doctor stopped my hands.

"Give them a while before you start touching or squeezing," he smiled. "Light, soft touches for the next few weeks," he said. "I have given your friends here the instructions you need, and you already have the medication I prescribed."

I nodded. "Thank you."

"I will see you again in six weeks," he said. "Give us a call for any reason at all."

Again, I nodded.

The ride home was difficult, as the roads had bumps and potholes. Sonia decided to be my stay-at-home nurse for the next few days. I was in no mood to argue.

The recovery was time-consuming as well as painful at times. I felt like a total clutz. I was bumping into things, dropping things onto them. Thomas wasn't a big help, either. The big goofball kept jumping onto my lap and pushing his big body against them.

"Well?" the doctor said, looking at me.

"I like them," I said at our final meeting.

"The back pain?" he asked.

"Manageable," I said, which was the truth. I thought the pain would be unbearable. "I think the training I went through to get ready for the run helped me get ready for these," I said as I looked down at my chest.

The last few days were when I wore a regular bra.

"Well," he said, leaning back in his chair. "I hate to say this... but... farewell and good luck," he said, outstretching his hand.

"Thank you," I said, standing up. He walked around, and we hugged. I cried on his shoulder. I didn't plan on crying again. "Thank you so much."

"No problem at all, it was my honor," he said, wiping the tears from my eyes. "I truly wish you the best of luck."

That weekend I decided that I would go to my workplace. Sporting knee-high boots, a short skirt, and a low v-cut blouse. I asked to see Todd, my manager.

"Jesse," he said as he approached. "Nice to..."

"Can we talk in your office?" I asked as I saw that my chest had his full attention.

"Yes, yes, right this way," he said as I walked past him. I walked with a slight swing to my hips as I knew he was an ass man.

"What can I do for you?" he asked as we sat down.

I leaned forward, making sure the two top buttons were lightly clasped. Within the hour, I had my old job back, with benefits and a slight rise.

"Nice seeing you again," Todd stood up with a slight bulge in his pants. He quickly sat back down. I smiled as I left.

After I left the office, I decided to shop for new clothes that would fit my new figure. The walk between shops did wonders for my self-esteem.

"Three," I lightly counted as I caught the third man walking into something. I had the looks back. I felt sorry for the clerk at the last store; he could barely control himself as I bent over to pick up my bags.

"Four," I laughed as I caught a woman pushing the man walking with her.

I put my earbuds in my ears as I walked toward my car. I cracked a smile as the first song came on. It went well with how I was feeling.

"Feel like a woman," I sang along to Shania.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

"Well?" Caroline asked the next day as we met for coffee.

"Well, what?" I asked. We had stopped at a local coffee shop.

"Who is going to be the first to take those puppies for a ride?" she smiled, staring down at my cleavage.

I had a few ideas. There was the delivery man, one of the men at the gym, and part of me wanted to return to that bar and find that asshole and rub it in his face.

"No," Caroline said as she stared across the street. "I picked this place for a reason," she pointed at the swimsuit store across the street.

A smile crept across my face. "I don't think they will have my size," I said.

"I already checked," Caroline smiled. "Go get him cougar."

Throughout everything I went through, there was only one man I could count on; he had been there for me throughout it all when I was sick or needed anything.

When I got home, I changed into my new bikini and waited for him by the pool.

"Ms. Anderson," he said as he came around the corner. "I have come..." he stopped as he looked over at me.

"Hi Desmond," I said, sitting up.

Desmond was one of the people hired by the company that cleaned our pool and maintained our backyard. After the first month of my procedures, I cut my expenses. The pool and lawn maintenance were the first to go. Desmond continued to show up even though he was not getting paid.