Sadly I have come to the conclusion that no man wants to become a father. I had recently hit a major milestone in my life. 30! The big three zero and it reminded me that I needed to prioritize having a baby.
I had been dating Cristian for 3 years and we were of a similar mindset. We did not believe in marriage as a concept and we put our career before anything else.
It was soon after my 30th birthday that I brought up the idea of having a child and Cristian looked at me as though I had murdered his cat. It was a hard no and he made me feel guilty for breaking our supposedly shared values.
There was a moment where I thought about trapping him by no longer taking the pill. In fact I had put this in process and I stopped taking the pill but after that discussion sex seemed to be something he was no longer interested in. It was as though the thought of having sex with me would remind him of the idea of having a child with me and the thought seemed to repulse him. We grew more distant and the relationship ended as he just phased me out as though the last 3 years meant nothing.
I was hurt but my mentality would not let me dwell on this. My outlook had changed and I wanted a man who would want to settle down for a family. Only this man was almost impossible to find in the city.
I had blue eyes and blonde hair but I was never the one a man wanted to settle down with.
Then the light bulb moment hit me. I did not need a man. I just needed a sperm donor. That is all a man was at the end of the day. Women had all of the control and the power to procreate.
I had stopped taking the pill and I began to monitor my monthly clock as I planned a sperm donor. I signed up to a clinic but on one of my visits I noticed a vagrant looking man sign up to provide a sperm donation and well it made me a little queasy to think I would be taking that sperm.
On my ovulation days I would visit bars and clubs but I could not bring myself to have unprotected sex with a stranger. The risks were just too great in my eyes.
"Jenny! Do you have the Axle report?" Vinay came up to my desk as I was lost in thought about my options. My ovulation period was approaching in 2 days.
Vinay was the CEO and he was the boss of my boss so when he approached me directly I usually found it intimidating. There was a boys club in the higher echelons of the work place and the majority of the board was old white men. Vinay being the exception as he was Indian.
"I should have it with you before close of business," I reply in my cheery but direct business tone.
"Are you coming for drinks this Friday?" He asks.
Friday was the start of my ovulation period but I knew to always be there for office parties. Out of sight out of mind as the old saying goes.
"Yes I will definitely be there," I reply.
We had a private bar and a few lanes for bowling. The drinks were flowing on the company dollar. I was a conservative drinker and always watched what I drank. I was not much of a bowler but was there more for the networking and being a team player. The VP role would be coming up soon and I wanted to be at the forefront of their minds. Vinay would be heading the panel so it was important he saw me favorably.
Vinay loved his scotch on the rocks and he had a few by the time he slid next to me and put his arm around my waist.
"You will be my number one pick when the time comes," he whispers loudly and drunkenly in my ear. His hand caressing my ass over my skirt.
Vinay is the office pervert and he treads the me too line very carefully. I would not be surprised if one of these days he was walked out of the office with his box of belongings. It makes my skin crawl but I also know how to play the game.
"That is good to hear. I do respect your guidance," I say as his hand is guided to squeezing my butt cheek.
Just as he gets comfortable groping me someone hits a strike and he moves to congratulate Paul on his strike as a cheer erupts among us. I wonder if he will be giving him the same greeting.
A few hours later people are making their excuses and leaving. The crowd is thinning but I always like to time my exit right. You can never leave before the big players. They need to see your face and feel your presence.
As the evening wound down Vinay began to give me more attention. I had the sense he was acting more drunk than he was.
There were 4 of us left as we made our way out. The first taxi was taken by Paul and Steff as they lived in the same part of the city.
It was just me and Vinay left as we waited for another cab to turn up. It took a while and it was getting cold.
Only one cab turned up after 30 minutes.
"Shall we share this one?" Vinay asked. I couldn't take it and leave him here. Although I was seriously tempted to.
"You should take it. I don't believe it will be long for the next one," I say.
"Come on. Don't be silly. Who will finish the reports if you freeze to death here," he says in a jokey manner. In a way making me feel silly for being concerned about sharing a taxi with this pervert.
He ushers me in and he gently strokes my thigh over my skirt. There is a growing sense of uneasiness within me and he seems to be acting on a predatorial instinct.
"Gosh jolly, it is cold," he remarks as he pretends to shiver and uses it as an excuse to rub my thighs trying to make his touching innocuous. When the driver asks for directions he gives directions to his apartment.
"My apartment is just around the corner. I can't let you go home in this state," he comments suggesting I am too drunk when I know I am not.
"I will be fine," I tell him as I nudge his hand away. He rests it just over my stocking clad knee.
The driver sets off towards his apartment and we talk amiably about office politics. He is talking about recent discussions by the board on the VP role. It is intriguing for me as I am on the outside and want to be part of the boys club.
His hand slides just an inch under the hem of my skirt. It is all safe and harmless I think as we talk about the office.
His hand creeps up my skirt as he distracts me with conversation. His fingers subtly brushing up against my mound.
The driver arrives at his apartment quicker than expected and we were still mid conversation.
"Are you sure you don't want to come up for a coffee? I can tell you about senile old Greg's proposed plans for the marketing department. Like most things with Greg they are a good chuckle," he says with a light chuckle.
I know I shouldn't and I have been in this scenario enough times to know the implication of late night 'coffee'. But I also desperately want to be in the boys club and Vinay is my in.
"Just a quick coffee," I tell him.
"Let's hope it is not too quick. I wouldn't want to leave you disappointed," he says with a not very subtle sexual innuendo.
There were many red flags by this stage that I had actively chosen to ignore.
As we made our way up we talked more about the office and we had a giggle. He made me feel a part of the boys club when everyone else put me on the outside.
Instead of a coffee he poured a scotch for himself and me. Despite being slightly tipsy I could not help but drink with him as we talked about office politics. He talked about my prospects of getting the VP role as he poured a second and then a third glass.
