(Annoyed and Tired) There you are! Do you know how long I've been on these rooftops waiting for you to fly past?
(Pause)
(Annoyed) Yes, WAITING for you. This is your usual hotspot for activity, you've been known to patrol here nightly and occasionally visit the local Chinese place a block down.
(Pause)
(Indignant) Oh, I'm sorry. Three break ins and two gas stations being robbed at roughly the same time isn't enough for your radar?
(Pause)
(Sarcastically) Oh yeah? So a world ending scenario happened in downtown again, huh? Then where was Metallic Mercenary? General Awesome? Hell, what about the FUCKING Marvelous 6? No one was around at all? No. No it was all up to just you huh? Unbelievable.
(Pause)
(Indignant) No, no you don't just get to brush off your responsibilities like that! I am your arch-FUCKING-nemesis, the Kingpin to your Spiderman, the Joker to your Batman, and I deserve the time and GOD DAMN effort.
(Pause)
(Confused and humorous) Wha...what do you mean I'm not your arch nemesis? Of course I am. We've been fighting each other for over four years, who else could...
(Pause)
(Indignant and Angry) Feline Fatale? Are you SERIOUS?! That leopard print hussy with the power of a fucking cat is higher up on your rank for priorities than I am? Seriously?!
(Pause)
(Indignant) I have the power to duplicate myself over and over again and rob multiple places at once, but the BITCH with the nails that can cut through metal and be handled with a fucking LASER POINTER is more of an issue? Great, that's just great. Doesn't bruise my ego in the fucking slightest!!
(Pause)
(Deep breath and calming down) No. No I haven't been searching for you for days to complain about...look, I wanted to talk to you about making a deal.
(Pause)
(Laugh) No, no, nothing like that Hero. Even if I did give myself over to the cops, you honestly think they could hold me? No, I was trying to see if you would want to call a truce every so often to fuck.
(Pause)
(Amused) You know. I can't see your face under that mask, but the thought of a deer in headlights comes to mind.
(Laugh/Giggle loudly)
(Pause)
(Giggle continues) No, no I really meant it Hero. There's no joke here.
(Pause)
(Deep Sigh) Look, we've been at each others throats for years, doing the same song and dance. I perform a ton of crimes at once, you try to catch all of me just for one or two to slip away, I get enough to live happily and you get to be seen as the city's guardian to the citizens. Then we do it all over again and again.
(Pause)
(Smug) Face it. I'm the best problem you have. At least in comparison to all the psychos killing and raping throughout the city all the time. Most of the stuff I take is at least insured or being taken from assholes that are rich enough not to miss it afterwards.
(Pause)
(Confused) What do you mean "Why you?"
(Pause)
(Amused) Wait, you think I'd be stupid enough to try to get with another villain? Seriously? We'd be paranoid around each other the entire time, keeping one eye open for the inevitable back stab. At least with you do-gooders, all I'd have to worry about is getting locked up for a few days.
(Pause)
(Indignant) You think I'm desperate enough to get with some civilian? Hell no, why would I want to get with some average, boring and minimum waged nobody? I mean, have you looked at me?
(Pause)
(Smug) Yeah, this is a new outfit. The dark green looks amazing in the black, right? And the way it seems to hug all my curves. You should see it from behind.
(Pause)
(Laugh softly) I think I finally caught your attention, huh hero? Unless you have some new weapon in that spandex leotard of yours poking out.
(Pause)
(Laugh) Oh COME ON Hero, it's just us up here, I'm horny and scantily dressed and you are obviously interested. Sooooo?
(Pause)
(Bemused) You want me to prove that I'm not trying trick...you know what? Fine. Fine.
(Sound of a zipper being undone)
(Smug) There. See? No weapons, no tricks, no reason for me to do anything besides what I've been asking you for the past couple of minutes.
(Pause)
(Annoyed) What? Yeah, no shit Sherlock, I know I'm naked in public. You, of all people, know I've done a hell of a lot worse.
(Pause)
(Humorous and Smug) What's wrong Hero? Never seen a nice, large set of tits like these before? What about this toned, spankable ass?
(Sound of a harsh spank)
(Pause)
(Laugh) Oh. My. GOD!! Hero, I can see you blushing like a fucking traffic light from here, even under that mask!!
(Pause)
(Annoyed) No. I'm not going to get dressed.
(Pause)
(Indignant) Because I stripped to prove to you that I wasn't carrying anything dangerous and if I get dressed now, you just get a free show out of it. Now, come down here and fucking talk to me.
(Pause)
(Annoyed) For fuck sake, out of all the years we've fought each other, when have I ever left you with so much as a bruise? Now, get your sexy ass down here and talk to me without looking down on me from 10 feet in the air!!
(Pause)
(Satisfied) Thank you! Never thought it'd be this fucking difficult to get you to do as told. You were putting a crick in my neck.
(Pause)
(Smug) Get dressed? Why? Are my large breasts distracting you?
(Pause)
(Amused Panic) No, no, wait, fine, fine, I'll get dressed! Can't blame a girl for having her fun.
(Pause and the sound of a zipper)
(Amused) There. All covered up for your sensitive eyes. Now, can we get back to the matter at hand?
(Pause)
(Annoyed) Because I highly doubt you've been getting any yourself. I never hear anything about you getting with any of those other heroes. You're obviously into women from that...VERY impressive boner you had a moment ago that was stretching out that outfit of yours.