"I had a dream about you last night.
It wasn't the kind of dream I'm used to. I wasn't running from anything. There wasn't this underlying feeling of fear. No sensation of needing to kneel and bend to the will of the other people in my dream. Other people... there was just you this time. That was different, too. Oddly, it was comforting. Serene, even if uncomfortable for reasons initially unknown to me.
We were sitting on a couch and a movie was playing. We weren't really watching it, I don't think. I can't remember what the movie was, and it doesn't matter, but I would kinda like to know to see if it was a movie that we might actually watch together. That's nothing but a curiosity, really.
Anyway, we were on the couch together. I sat in one corner, and you sat in the other. Whether that was coincidental or out of nervousness or upset, I didn't know, but it was clear we were both a little uncomfortable. I had my arms crossed over my midsection, and you were leaning into the arm of the couch, like pulling yourself as far away from me as you could.
There was this undertone of sadness. I didn't know what happened before that. Dream me learned it all as I did, like when I'm writing. I'm not even sure there was a before that until the dream progressed, to be honest.
The movie wasn't holding my interest. I don't think it was holding yours, either. My mind was racing with, well, basically everything but the movie. Was I fantasizing about us? Obsessing over earlier interactions between us? I wasn't certain. It was completely unclear in my recollection from the dream at that point.
What was clear was that you seemed frustrated with yourself and I seemed a little upset. Maybe you said something you wished you hadn't. Maybe I did something you wished I hadn't. The details around that aspect were still murky.
My mind reeled, and I got lost in my thoughts in the dream. It was this weird dream within a dream thing. There were some thoughts of laughter and smiles that raced along, an awkward hug that lasted maybe a few seconds longer than necessary, and a sigh of relief from one of us. I'm not sure which, but I think it was you. There was a car I wasn't familiar with. Dark grey, maybe even black, interior. Nice, but not flashy. Clean. I was surprised by that, and you feigned a moment of disgust quickly followed by a deep laugh. It brought a blush to my cheeks as I realized I'd basically insulted you without meaning to.
You drove and I sat in the passenger seat, eyes focused on the world beyond the glass as you pointed out various things you thought would fascinate me. History related things, good and bad. You weren't wrong, I was hanging onto your every word as we drove.
A rabbit ran in the road a few hundred feet in front of us. With dusk approaching, I wasn't sure you saw it. I yelled, "Stop!" as my hand moved over and grasped yours. Your reaction was quick as I screwed my eyes tightly closed, and you slammed on the brakes.
"Did it make it across?" My tone practically begged you to lie to me if it hadn't.
"Uh... yeah. Yeah, it did, look," your thumb rubbed across my hand, and I hesitantly opened my eyes. You were pointing toward the tall grass. I saw a large brown bunny sitting on the side of the road and felt the air rush back into my lungs.
It looked back at us like it wanted to cuss you out for cutting it so close. I breathed a sigh of relief, and it bounded off into the tall grass. In that moment, I felt exhausted, like all of my mental energy got used up in needing the bunny to be safe. I was glad there were no cars behind us. I feel like you wouldn't have stopped, and I would've spent the rest of the car ride crying while trying to pretend I wasn't. It would've been messy for both of us and would've set this trip off on a bad path right away.
I was also grateful it was almost night time. I'd always felt more alive and connected to nature at night. Night was my domain. My thumb caressed yours. Our hands hadn't parted and you didn't seem to mind, so I didn't either.
The drive felt much too short. You pulled into a parking space, and your hand moved away from mine. I almost squeezed yours, keeping us connected a moment longer, but I refrained and let you separate from me.
Gratitude washed over me as I stepped out of the car.
It was nice to be somewhere that was 'else,' though I didn't know why I wasn't in the place I didn't want to be, or where that place even was. We'd been friends for years; I knew that much, at least.
You wanted to eat.
I wanted a shower.
I couldn't eat, everything was too new, and my anxiety meant if I tried, I'd likely get rather sick. It wasn't a fun thing to work around. So we parted ways at the door to the hotel. I brought my bag in and got checked in.
You'd changed my reservation, apparently. From a single room to a suite. I was going to be staying a while and you wanted me to have the space so I didn't get claustrophobic in a cramped little hotel room for a month. It was sweet but unnecessary. Though, I imagined the room wouldn't be only mine. It seemed you were likely to stay with me, for a while anyway.
The first thing I did was unpack. My mind, my clothes, my paraphernalia, which, by the way, I hid beneath my clothes. I gathered you likely didn't know about any of that. If you had, I would've laid them all out right atop the dresser. No, hidden meant secret. Secret meant I was keeping that from you. Maybe I didn't want to freak you out or set up some sort of expectation of what I wanted while there. Most likely, though, it was because this wasn't meant to be anything but a visit and those things were for me when I was alone. A reprieve from... something difficult. Still couldn't recall what.
It made sense. I didn't do well with personal difficulties. Maybe you invited me over to keep an eye on me. There was a flash in the dream of bandages and a hospital room. Nothing clear about it. I rubbed my wrists at the intrusion and shook off the faint recollection. Needed to get back to my suitcase, unpacking thoughts could wait, I decided.
You called up to my room and asked me if I was certain I didn't want anything to eat, making a show of how good the cheesecake looked. You knew cheesecake was one of the few sweets I genuinely loved. "I'm good," I said, smiling even though we weren't on a video call. "I just want to scrub the ick of travel off of me and go to bed, to be honest."
Your deep laughter was nice. It made me smile bigger and I looked to the ground, bashful even when you couldn't see me. "How long should I stay gone?" you asked.
"You don't have to stay gone. The front desk has a key for you, too, since you changed my reservation and all. Just go get it and come up whenever you want."
"You sure?" Your laughter died down with a slightly uncomfortable suddenness.
"I'm sure. If I'm still in the shower, just wait for me, I guess."
"No barging in, then?"
My smile grew and I rolled my eyes before I responded, "No. No barging in."
"What if you sound like you're drowning?" The concern in your voice was so obviously put on.
I openly laughed; it felt good, like I hadn't done it in a long time. "If it sounds like I'm drowning while I
shower
, you can barge in."
There was something about your tone that told me you were smiling, "I will save you, don't worry."
"I'm not worried."
"You're always worried, Kate."
I shifted my weight and furrowed my brow. You weren't wrong. "I'm not worried about drowning while showering. Nor am I worried about you being in the room while I shower." I paused a long while, and you said nothing. I drew a deep breath and continued, letting my tone go playful, "If you want to barge in, the door will be unlocked."
You quieted down and cleared your throat, "Oh. Umm, okay."
